Procrastination by Numbers

[cunningmatt]

Tuesday 20th December 2011 – Procrastination by Numbers Forgotten Special Characters Advent Calendar



Today's the day where voting opens in The 2011 Procrastination by Numbers Awards, I know it is very exciting, but first you'll have to read another tedious Advent Calendar entry. Yawn!

[spoiler]
Tuesday 20th: Khatep

Name: Grand Hierophant Khatep – what a name!



The astute amongst you will have noticed Khatep is in the brand spanking new Tomb Kings book, but in order to include a wide range of the armies I've had to include some characters who are forgotten because they have no model, even though they have rules!

Original (current) Points Cost: 330 points including the magic items The Liche Staff and the Scroll of the Cursing Word.

Background: Khatep is the most powerful Hierophant (a tall elephant – sorry that joke was improbably lame) in all of Khemri. He woke up Settra in order to stop the all out civil war after Nagash's great ritual. However Settra was grumpy, the snooze button on his alarm had not worked and so Khatep got the blame for not having restored Settra to his former living self. Khatep was exiled to wander the deserts looking for ways to restore Khemri to it's former glory. Often he will help out fighting Tomb Kings' armies.

Original Appearance: Warhammer Armies: Tomb Kings – 8th Edition (newer than new baby!).



Last Appearance: N/A



Special Rules:  Khatep must be your Hierophant if fielded, he has the Loremaster (Lore of Nehekhara) and Nehekharan Undead special rules. Additionally he has the following magic items The Liche Staff – once per turn Khatep can declare that he wishes to re-roll the casting dice for a single spell (even to stop an irresistible force). Scroll of the Cursing Wind – one use only, instead of dispelling an enemy spell it is cast as normal but the caster must take a Toughness test, if they fail they cannot cast any more spells this turn, if they fail on a 6 they take D3 wounds.

My Memories of the Character: None, he's too new.

Person most Reminds Me Of: One of the oldest men on the planet – Bruce Forsyth (Ok, ok, everyone reminds me or Brucie!)

Inclusion in 8th Edition: Rules are there, just use a Heirophant model, don't be difficult!

[/spoiler]

Head over to The Official OG Games 2011 Advent Calendar for more Special Character fun: http://ogforum.co.uk/index.php?topic=2697.msg38018;topicseen#msg38018

[cunningmatt]

Update 28 – Tuesday 20th December 2011: The End is Nigh

If you are looking for today's Advent Calendar entry, it's just above this post!

Welcome back to everyone's favourite painting blog (that happens to be called Procrastination by Numbers anyway). Christmas is very nearly upon us, so there's more to stuff in than will possibly fit in even the largest turkey anus. And very excitingly I will be unveiling The 2011 Procrastination by Numbers Awards, a chance for you to vote for the best hobby stuff of 2011. So without further ado let's get on!

Wandsworth Waaagh XII

My High Elves joined Jack's Lizardmen to take on all comers in Saturday's Wandsworth Waaagh XII. I tweeted a pretty comprehensive rundown of each battle on the day – if you want to read it head to @ProByNumbers on Twitter and it should make sense – touch wood.

In summary, it was a good day, we beat Ol & Gareth's Tomb Kings and Beastmen 11-9 (eventually they came second place), lost to Lee & Bart's Orcs & Goblins and Warriors of Chaos 17-3 (fourth placed) and lost to Patrick & Ben's Tomb Kings and Ogres 15-5 (third placed). This placed us 6th out of 8. Pretty rubbish, but could have been worse! Still was all fun. Thanks to all involved, especially Jack for putting up with me!

Here's a few photos from Game 1, I forgot to take any during the other games! D'oh!



The Lizardmen and High Elves face off against the Tomb King-Beastmen Alliance



Ol measures the range of the accursed Ushbati Bowmen



The Tuskgor Chariot thunders into the Phoenix Guard who's Ward Save inflict The Curse of Spanish Television on the camera



All dressed up and no one to fight, the Swordmasters of Hoeth are upset that there's no one for them to attack

50 Spearmen in 50 Days – Day 42
You may still have your Christmas shopping to do, but spare a thought for me I've still got 50 Spearmen to paint in 8 days!!! AHHHHHH!!!

Good news I managed to make good progress over the few bits of the weekend I wasn't busy Christmassing it up large or fighting off various Tomb King alliances in. So I've done Stage 3 – which includes the deeply tedious stage of highlighting every single bloody scale on the Elves's armour. Yes it was boring, but worth it, the last units I did of these I drybrushed the armour and it looks much better this way. Here's where we are up to:

Stage 3 – High Elf Spearmen









Base: *NO CHANGE*
Boots: Highlight Beastial Brown
White Cloth: Layer watered down Skull White
Armour Trim and Plume: Highlight/Drybrush 1:1 Skull White : Ice Blue
Silver Metal: Highlight Mithril Silver
Gold Metal: Wash Gryphonne Sepia
Wood: Layer watered down Bleached Bone
Flesh: Wash watered down Ogryn Flesh

Whilst there is still a fourth stage to go, the Leather, Silver, Blue and Wood are all finished now so Stage 4 would be quite simple were it not for the bane of all High Elf painters... gems! Yes there's on average about four a model on these so that is 200 gems for me to paint up properly in the next 8 days – oh plus the other 50 on the shields. I've made a reasonable start on Stage 4 so fingers crossed there will be an update in the next few days, ideally the next 8!

Other Painting

I have a confession to make, I snuck into the BBC One Christmas ident filming, and I was the person who threw the giant cracker at the annoying boy from Outnumbered just because I hate him. Ok, ok so that was a lie, my real confession is the far more boring thing that I shirked off from painting my Spearmen this week to finish Korhill, Captain of the White Lions. Yes I'm suffering now because I'm way behind with the Spearmen and should have spent my time working on them, but on the plus side Korhill is finished now:

Stage 2 – Korhill, Captain of the White Lions







Base: *NO CHANGE*
Rock: Drybrush Adeptus Battlegrey
Skull: Wash Badab Black, layer Khemri Brown
Boots, Gloves and Leather: Wash Badab Black
Silver Metal: Wash Badab Black
Gold Metal: Shining Gold
Armour Trim and Yellow Cloth: Layer 1:1 Iyanden Darksun : Golden Yellow then layer Golden Yellow
White Cloth: Layer 1:1 (1:1 Skull White : Astronomacian Grey : 2:1 Skull White : Astronomacian Grey) then layer 2:1 Skull White : Astronomacian Grey
Blue Cloth and Plume: Layer 1:1 (1:1 Enchanted Blue : Ice Blue) : Ice Blue then layer Ice Blue
Wood: Layer 1:1 Khemri Brown : Graveyard Earth then layer Graveyard Earth
Lion Skin: Wash watered down Gryphonne Sepia
Hair: Wash Gryphonne Sepia
Elf and Lion Flesh: Layer 1:1 Dwarf Flesh : Elf Flesh then layer Elf Flesh

Stage 3 – Korhill, Captain of the White Lions







Base: *NO CHANGE*
Rock: Drybrush Codex Grey
Skull: Layer Dheneb Stone
Boots, Gloves and Leather: Layer Scorched Brown
Silver Metal: Highlight 1:1 Chainmail : Mithril Silver
Gold Metal: Wash Gryphonne Sepia
Armour Trim and Yellow Cloth: Layer 1:1 Golden Yellow : Sunburst Yellow then layer Sunburst Yellow
White Cloth: Layer 1:1 (2:1 Skull White : Astronomacian Grey) : Skull White then layer watered down Skull White
Blue Cloth and Plume: Layer 1:1 Ice Blue : (1:1 Skull White : Ice Blue) : Ice Blue then layer 1:1 Ice Blue : Skull White
Wood: Layer 1:1 Graveyard Earth : Bleached Bone then layer Bleached Bone
Lion Skin: Layer Desert Yellow
Hair: Highlight Vomit Brown
Elf and Lion Flesh: Wash watered down Ogryn Flesh

Stage 4 – Korhill, Captain of the White Lions







Base: Drybrush Bleached Bone and flocked with Static Grass
Rock: Washed Badab Black and Drybrushed Fortress Grey
Skull: Layer Bleached Bone and layered 1:1 Bleached Bone : Skull White
Boots, Gloves and Leather: Highlight Beastial Brown
Silver Metal: Highlight Mithril Silver
Gold Metal: Highlight 5:1 Shining Gold : Mithril Silver then highlighted Mithril Silver
Armour Trim and Yellow Cloth: Washed Ogryn Flesh then highlighted Bad Moon Yellow
White Cloth: Highlighted Skull White
Blue Cloth and Plume: *NO CHANGE*
Wood: *NO CHANGE*
Lion Skin: Highlight Bleached Bone
Hair: Highlight Bleached Bone
Elf and Lion Flesh: Highlight Bleached Bone

So there's another Special Character finished that no one will ever want to play against, but there we go.

Matty's Top Tip fans may remember that back on the 9th of November I was assembling my White Lion Chariot, and I gave the following Top Tip:


Matty's Top Tip – Number 1Always assemble painted sub-assemblies with superglue


Which on review appears to be a sentence with the word "assembly" in it far too much. Anyway at the time there was some controversy as to whether this was best practice or not. Well it turns out that the writers of White Dwarf have been copying this blog because they have the following to add on that topic:



Oh what's that? "Super Glue is best for this, as it will bond the painted parts nicely". They seem to agree with me! Who knew? Obviously this showing off is completed ruined by the fact that my White Lion Chariot has now fallen apart. In fairness I blame the recent campaign which saw me shoving it in an over-packed army case but there we go.

The 2011 Procrastination by Numbers Awards

The end of December not only means Christmas and that I haven't done enough painting of Spearmen, but it represents the end of the year (2011 for those not keeping up). So in honour of this I thought what better way to celebrate the passing of 2011 than with a special 2011 Procrastination by Numbers Awards, where you dear reader get to vote on the best gaming/procrastinating achievements of the year. I know what you are thinking "I'm more excited than a child molester in Baby Gap how do I get involved?".

Well below you will see ten categories covering pretty much all the kinds of things that we've discussed on this fourm/blog, and a series of suggested nominees. Now I could run all these as online polls, but A) you'd know the result as soon as you voted ruining the prospect of a glittering awards ceremony and B) you couldn't select your own entrants. That's right for each category you can propose something I've missed, and if you think it needs publicity reply on this thread and tell the voting public why.

Once you've decided on who you want to win each category simply PM me with your votes (PLEASE DO NOT REPLY ON THIS THREAD - IT WILL RUIN THE SURPRISE!!), all you need to do is list the category number and next to it who you want to win (leave off any category you don't want to vote for), what could be simpler. It's so simple that all the billions of people who read this blog, whether you usually post or not should vote – I'd love to see my inbox burst with votes.

As no one goes on the forum over the Christmas break, I'll give you a while to vote. So voting closes at Midnight on Sunday the 8th of January and I'll announce the results as part of my exciting review of 2011 at the beginning of next year.

It couldn't be more fun, so without further ado, let's get stuck into the categories:

Category 1: Best Games Workshop Model Released 2011. Whether you're a painter, a gamer, a collector, or someone in between you've probably got excited about the release of a new model this year, and maybe even bought it. So what's the model that's excited you the most? It can be any model or kit that was released in 2011 (though we won't except Citadel Finecast re-releases of existing models, brand new Finecasts are fine). To get you in the mood, here are some of my favourites (purely in alphabetical order):

•   Arachanok Spider – Looking much like me in the morning, only slightly less angry. The first of many giant Warhammer plastic kit has been upsetting Orc & Goblin opponents since March.


•   Garden of Morr – Perhaps you want something you can use with your Hornby Model Railway display as well as your gaming table. Was August's graveyard excitement for you?


•   Imotekh the Stormlord – unable to get through a metal detector at Heathrow Airport, but maybe one of the smaller models from this November is your choice.


•   Mangler Squigs – Giant and orange, but less likely to squash you than Russel Brand. The Mangler Squigs hit the shelves in December.


•   Stormraven Gunship – It's big and it's red and it's not Thunderbird 3, it's impossible to move without making "woosh" and "pow, pow" noises. Out in time for Valentine's Day.


•   Thundertusk & Stonehorn – more hair than in my bathplug, September's Ogre monstrosity could be your model of 2011.


•   Or maybe it was none of these, remember you can nominate any model you like!

Category 2: Best Games Workshop Army Book/Supplement/Game Released 2011. A catch all category that contains everything that isn't a model that popped out of the GW forges this year. So games, rule books, accessories, tools... and anything else you can think of fit in here. Here's some suggestions that popped into my head:

•   Codex: Grey Knights – Easter saw everyone reaching for a pot of Mithril Silver as those Daemon hunting Marines got a brand new book (as did the Necrons this year).


•   Dreadfleet – Perhaps Pirate antics in the Warhammer world is exactly what you wanted this year? Perhaps you're the person who actually bought Dreadfleet? Either way October's main release might be for you.


•   Liquid Green Stuff – Are you addicted to a very simple, but highly effective pot of Green Goo with more charm than Jeremy Clarkson?


•   Uniforms & Heraldry of the Skaven – Way back at the beginning of the year the equivalent of the Ratman version of the Grattan Catalogue popped through every Skaven players door.


•   Warhammer Armies: Tomb Kings – If manipulating people through dodgy Pyramid schemes is your idea of fun, you probably bought yourself the brand new Tomb Kings book (Orcs & Goblins and Ogre Kingdoms also got a look in this year).


•   Warhammer Storm of Magic – Did casting cataclysmic spells, summoning fell beasts or simply spinning the pointy spinner lots get you going back in July? (Blood in the Badlands was another Warhammer supplement this year)


•   Or was it something else, remember you can nominate what you like!

Category 3: Best Games System of 2011. What was your favourite game system this year? I've listed the obvious Games Workshop choices here, but feel free to go outside the box, and outside the Games Workshop with your suggestions here:

•   Dreadfleet – Potentially this could win two awards, more awards than copies actually sold, which would be embarrassing.
•   Warhammer 8th Edition – Oft maligned, but maybe you love to hate it? Could the game of Fantasy battles be your choice for 2011?
•   Warhammer 40,000 current edition (don't know the number) – Have you been shooting with your tanks and attacking with your aliens? Do you care about the future?
•   Or is it something else Games Workshop or otherwise. Remember you can vote for any system you fancy.

Category 4: Best Tournament of 2011. As my ASBO prevents me attending the Tournament scene can't really advise here. I played two tournaments this year, one of which I was partnering Steven so I'll let you guess what my favourite one was  !!

•   Any Tournament you like can go here. Get voting.

Category 5: Best Forum Contributor of 2011. Obviously there's no choice here, I am clearly going to be your choice for Best Forum Contributor who else comes close (please read this with a healthy does of sarcasm, else I will sound like a turd). Seriously you can choose anyone from the forum you want, though the only rule is don't vote for yourself.

•   To avoid getting a slap from anyone I don't list here, I'm not listing anyone. So choose your favourite forum contributor here.

Category 6: Best Forum Painting Blog of 2011. Who had the Best Painting Blog on the forum this year? Maybe they had the best models, the best painting advice or just some witty charm. In the interests of not wanting to be a knob, you can't vote for any blog I've penned. Sorry but I am that modest.

•   Again I don't want to list my favourites, but why not got to the Da Gallery board and choose your favourites here: http://ogforum.co.uk/index.php?board=16.0

Category 7: Best Forum Painted Model of 2011. Who posted up the best painted model this year? Which photograph of a scary monster, magic wizard or mighty tank made you go oooooooooooooo! Again you can vote for whomever you like, but not anything I've painted. That would be wrong (plus I have my own categories to come! He he!!):

•   Mum's the word on my favourites, but Da Gallery is the place to go: http://ogforum.co.uk/index.php?board=16.0

Category 8: Best Post from the Procrastinator of 2011. Some people may say it's very vain to have my own category which only I can win. Well tough it's my awards ceremony! Besides I need you to tell me what you liked this year so I can make 2012 an even better blog. For this category any update from either Tale of OG Gamers – High Elves or our very own Procrastination by Numbers that I have penned can win. Maybe it's for excellent writing style, brilliant painting advice, witty repertoire, bitter vengeance or a good cock joke – you decide. Here's some of my favourites:

•   The Adventures of Great Bray Shaman Cameron (Tale of OG Gamers – High Elves Week 3 onwards – http://ogforum.co.uk/index.php?topic=1294.240). Did the exploits and multiple deaths of Cameron, Clegg, Cable and others (sadly not in real life), make your 2011 perfect?


•   The Daily Tale News Report (Tale of OG Gamers – High Elves Week 12 – http://ogforum.co.uk/index.php?topic=1294.405). Everything the News of the World no longer has, saucy page threes, breaking headlines and utter tosh.


•   Guess the Number of Chairs (Procrastination by Numbers Update 9 – http://ogforum.co.uk/index.php?topic=2370.60). The worst competition since the GMTV phone-in scandal, but when the prize is Angel Delight how can you refuse?


•   High Elf vs Dark Elf Battle Report (Procrastination by Numbers Update 13 – http://ogforum.co.uk/index.php?topic=2370.90). Were you impressed with months spent recreating the club's lava board in Microsoft Paint or did you just think get a life?


•   Shakeaway Guide (Procrastination by Numbers Update 11 – http://ogforum.co.uk/index.php?topic=2370.75). The only step by step guide of how to order a milkshake on the internet, and they say this blog isn't educational.


•   Valentine's Hatred (Tale of OG Gamers – High Elves Week 7 – http://ogforum.co.uk/index.php?topic=1294.300). Mutilated teddies, broken hearts, bitterness and days of therapy may have made February your favourite month for posting.


•   Or did you have something else in mind, go for your life? I can't lose! Hahahahahahahahahahahaha!!

Category 9: Best Painted model from the Procrastinator of 2011. I was worried that you might think I was vain to have one category that I was definitely going to win, so to make it sound better I've got two. You may have missed it in amongst all the procrastination but I have done some painting this year, which was your favourite model? For this category any model or unit I've painted from either Tale of OG Gamers – High Elves or this blog Procrastination by Numbers can win. Here's some of my favourites:

•   Caradryan – the High Elf character who is mute (most players on Saturday's tournament probably wish I had this talent), got painted back in April. Do you like the fiery cloak and blonde hair?


•   Dragon Princes – the final unit of the original Tale of OG Gamers – High Elves and certainly an amazing kit, personally I loved the golden helms – so much in fact I've bought another 10!


•   Jabberslythe – not just painted but converted, before Games Workshop made their own one – is this green blob going to get your vote?


•   Malagor, the Dark Omen – standing over a pit of lava is always dangerous, but maybe it will win you an award. Does this useless in battle special character warrant your vote?


•   Prince on Griffon – he's been shot more times than Colonel Gaddafi, and was casualty of the London Riots, but I think he looks great.


•   Tzeentch Sorcerer on Disc – don't touch him, the flying base could collapse at any moment!!


•   Or was it something else?

Category 10: Worst Games Workshop Model Released 2011. 2011 may have had winners, but we need to remember the losers too, which was your Model Horriblus of 2011, did it look hideous, was it impossible to paint, or did you cut your finger open assembling it. As with Category 1 any Games Workshop model released this year is eligible, bar Finecast rereleases:

•   I'm going to leave this one wide open to your imagination, so get voting.

VOTE NOW

Those are your ten categories, you are welcome to champion any of your own nominees on this thread but please DO NOT cast your votes by replying on the thread. Instead wack me a PM with the numbers 1-10 and your choices simple as that.

Voting closes at Midnight on Sunday the 8th of January, who will you choose?

Get voting!! Unless you've got 50 Spearmen to paint in which case, get painting!!

[jackhoneysett]

I played two tournaments this year, one of which I was partnering Steven so I'll let you guess what my favourite one was  !!

Does our tournament win by default? My favourite kind of win (the only kind we're likely to get in doubles, judging by our placing!)

Here's a few photos from Game 1, I forgot to take any during the other games! D'oh!

It's a shame you didn't get a picture of Bart's 50-odd night goblins falling off the temple of skulls in game 2. I think that was the funniest moment of the day! (sorry Bart!)

[cunningmatt]

Does our tournament win by default? My favourite kind of win (the only kind we're likely to get in doubles, judging by our placing!)

Only if no one else votes for anything. That eventuality is already an impossibility! 

It's a shame you didn't get a picture of Bart's 50-odd night goblins falling off the temple of skulls in game 2. I think that was the funniest moment of the day! (sorry Bart!)

I have to say that was very amusing, and much more amusing than when all my Swordmasters consistently slid off their movement tray!

[bart]

It was rather funny. I laughed.

[cunningmatt]

Wednesday 21st December 2011 – Procrastination by Numbers Forgotten Special Characters Advent Calendar



Make sure you get your votes in for The 2011 Procrastination by Numbers Awards, check Update 28 for more details – and yes I will keep harassing you until you do it, so you might as well do it now!!

Here's Day 21:

[spoiler]
Wednesday 21st: King Alrik Ranulfsson


Maybe I should get round to opening and assembling this model sometime?

Name: King Alrik Ranulfsson



Original Points Cost: 425 points, including magic and runic items.

Background: King Alrik Ranulfsson is King of Karak-Hirn after his great grandfather founded the city following the great quakes. Being a member of the Green Party his army does not include any of the modern polluting war machines such as Gyrocopters and Flame Cannons. In the current Warhammer Armies: Dwarfs book he is listed as having cleared the Silver Road of Goblins and attacking Mount Gunbad during the Storm of Chaos, but since current Warhammer history tends to ignore the Storm of Chaos we can presume that never happened.

Original Appearance: Warhammer Armies: Dwarfs – 6th Edition (first release), model released White Dwarf 255 (March 2001).




Last Appearance: Warhammer Armies: Dwarfs – 6th Edition (first release), though mentioned in the background of Warhammer Armies: Dwarfs – 6th Edition (second / current release).



Special Rules: King Alrik Ranulfsson has just a couple special rules. In Warhammer Armies: Dwarfs – 6th Edition (first release) King Alrik Ranulfsson was the first to ride on Shield Bearers, which boosted the range of units that could use his leadership to 18". Alrik must lead your army and Gyrocopters, Organ Guns and Flame Cannons cost twice the points and you must have more crossbow armed Dwarfs than handgun armed Dwarfs. Alrik has a number of magic items: The Axe of Retribution is inscribed with the Grudge Rune – wielder can nominate one monster/character at beginning of battle and may reroll misses in close combat against this target, the Master Rune of Breaking if Alrik hits a combatant with a magic weapon, the weapon is destroyed. Hrappi-klad Armour confers a 4+ Armour Save and is inscribed with the Rune of Shielding 2+ Ward Save against shooting attacks. Kurgaz's Shield gives Alrik and shield bearers a 5+ Ward Save. Helm of Eagles at the beginning of each Dwarf turn nominate one enemy unit who must reveal all magic items and hidden troop types. King-Hirn's Book of Grudges all enemy units within 12" may re-roll failed break tests. Well done if you've remembered all that.









My Memories of the Character: I wasn't really playing Warhammer during the 6th edition, so I don't really have many memories of those. Though I do remember seeing the model on my return and being intrigued/impressed.

Person most Reminds Me Of: Someone who's carried wherever they go, how about Lauren Laverne on 10 o'Clock Live*

Inclusion in 8th Edition: The model is still available from the Games Workshop website, listed as King Alrik Ranulfsson, but more often used as a Lord on Shield Bearers.



Special rules-wise you'd need a lot of runes to make Alrik like he is listed above. The Grudge Rune and the Master Rune of Breaking still exist to make the Axe of Retribution, Gromril Armour with the Rune of Shielding and two Runes of Iron gives the same defensive bonuses as the armour and shield. The other runic items and the special rules don't have direct equivalents in the book. But most of the rules probably carry across, let's cost them at 84 points, because it's a nice number.

*poor Lauren I actually quite like her really.

[/spoiler]

You know what the drill is, over on the OG Games 2011 Advent Calendar there's another Special Character, if you want to check it out click here: http://ogforum.co.uk/index.php?topic=2697.msg38050;topicseen#msg38050

[cunningmatt]

Update 29 – Wednesday 21st December 2011: The Second Great Trial of Christmas: Christmas Shopping

If you're looking for today's Advent Calendar it's up above. I should at this point confess that the following entry is a repeat (well it is Christmas and all the big channels do it) – I was going to write a rant about Christmas shopping, and then released I probably couldn't top last year's so here's a revised repeat (I have actually updated it!) on that very subject. Enjoy.

Before embarking on Christmas shopping you need to decide which of the three basic routes you wish to adopt:

1. The Gift Voucher Option - Gift Vouchers, or for the more modern amongst you Gift Cards, are where you have your perfectly useful cash in the form of pounds sterling, that can be spent in any store with very limited restrictions. You take this cash into a store of your choosing and swap it for a new form of cash that can only be spent in that store, and must be spent within 24 months of being converted, cannot be used in conjunction with any special offer, and can never be converted into any other form of cash no matter how hard you try. Put like this it makes perfect sense. The good news about this major inconvenience you can inflict upon your friends and family is that it's very easy to wrap. The main problem with this option is if, like me, somewhere back in late October-early November you had a Utopian vision of the perfect Christmas in which family and friends opened up the perfect, well-thought out presents you'd got them, Gift Vouchers probably didn't feature. They represent virtually zero effort!

2. The Online Shopping Option. Online shopping is the future apparently, you go online and find your loved ones the perfect gifts, or after two hours of looking through the Boots website you go "sod it" and get them a set of toiletries. After several attempts to attempt to pay for these goods using your credit card, they are eventually dispatched to you, and it's at this point you realise the estimated delivery date is April. At some point these will be attempted to be delivered to your house, when a card will be popped through the door telling you, that you were "out when we came to deliver the package", even though you were in – because you have no social life. You'll then be given the option to go and collect the package from your "local" depot, usually somewhere in Crawley, or for a small fee of £5 you can have them redelivered to your nearest store for collection, thusly removing the entire point of collecting online in the first place other than to pay an exorbitant postage & packing fee. Given my flat doesn't have a letter box (for complicated reasons), it represents Fort Knox to the postman and thus online ordering is not for me.

3. In Store Shopping Option. Having exhausted all the above options I am left with the last resort, of actually going into a shop and purchasing goods in person. May god have mercy upon my soul.

So a couple of times over the last few weeks I headed to Westfield in London, the original one, not the "Stratford City" one – since when has Stratford been a city?:



Apologies for the lack of focus, my hands were shaking as I was having a fit before entering the store!

Here's more proof, I should point out it's 3pm in the afternoon not the dead of night as implied in this photo:



I was particularly excited about my trip to Westfield, because two years ago I went Christmas shopping there and was refused a free sample of alcohol in Marks & Spencer because I looked too young. Result!!! That wasn't just a boost to my ego, that was an M&S boost to my ego!

If you believe the news reports, then if you do decide to go shopping in real shops rather than online, you should be walking into a ghost town, with shop keepers begging you, the only shopper in sight, to purchase their wares – this is a lie. For the purposes of December Westfield has been twinned with Purgatory and represents the second busiest place you can go shopping in Central London, unfortunately to get there I have to change tubes at Oxford Circus, the first busiest place you can go shopping in Central London. Surprisingly enough this didn't go well, and so I have put together a list of the 10 most frustrating things about my Christmas shopping experience, in the hope that this will give you some insight and tips and allow you to avoid the pitfalls I've succumbed to. At the very least it will allow me to vent my rage and get these things off my chest.

1. Bags. Invariably you will want to do all your Christmas shopping in one go to avoid countless trips to hell and back, which means at some point you will end up with thousands of carrier bags. What you certainly don't want is your bloody carrier bag to split:



This results in countless stops as you slump in the fire exit of a store, whilst you rearrange all your shopping like some decrepit bag lady. Then you have to go into Next and demand that they give you 8 extra large carrier bags, even though you've only bought a box of cufflinks, to re-triple bag your shopping before all your bags explode all over Westfield in a shit, very unfunny version of Buckaroo. And let's be honest Buckaroo wasn't fun to start with.

2. Picky Relatives. Some relatives can be picky, I shan't name names just in case they are reading, but they lay down ground rules for getting them Christmas gifts: No clothes (I have no room in my wardrobe), no toiletries (the bathroom is full), no food (I'm on a diet), no gift vouchers (they're not personal enough), no alcohol (I'm a recovering alcoholic and it would be inappropriate) – that last one might be a lie. Then when you ask what you can get them they say "Oh don't worry you don't need to get me anything". Fine I won't. That approach should go down about as well as a Christmas card from Wikileaks at the White House. So instead for the sake of peace I navigate Westfield for all eternity (or the time it takes Louis Walsh to answer the question "In one word who do you want to send home from The X Factor tonight?" – depending on your chosen measurement of time), looking for a gift that like Piers Morgan's charisma doesn't actually exist. Best I could find is a reindeer that pooes chocolate covered raisins – any good?

3. People. Christmas shopping would be bearable if it weren't for the fact that other people are there. Apparently it's too much to ask for Westfield to be cleared for my visit, because all these other selfish people are busy buying gifts for their loved ones – gits. The main problem is stores are generally crammed full of much merchandise as physically possible. They are usually laid out such that one medium wasted person can easily pass up and down an isle, this as a policy fails when you try to pass down the aisle with 84 bags of shopping whilst coming the other way is a woman armed with a double buggy and an arse the size of a badly parked Vauxhall Vectra.

4. Buying for Yourself. The fatal pitfall of Christmas shopping is buying for yourself, understandable when everyone else is so difficult to get for, but still you must resist that pair of jeans, DVD, computer games console or new car, particularly as undoubted if you do get it, someone will have already got that exact same thing for you for Christmas (probably not the car). As a rule of thumb if you've bought yourself an entirely new wardrobe, and all you've bought for other people is one packet of gift tags – then that shopping trip is generally not considered to be "Christmas shopping" and is in fact known as "shopping".

5. Sunday Closing. Many years ago when I was young, sometime around the Bronze Age, Sunday opening was very rare. You had to go a big town to find shops that opened on a Sunday and then it was only big department stores. Now everywhere is open on a Sunday regardless of whether you want it to be or not, and as society we now can't live without it. Hence my annoyance that one store is Westfield proclaims itself to be "Keeping Sunday Special" by not opening an Sundays, this is not helpful, I have come shopping on Sunday because I work during the week. What about "Keep Wednesday Special"? I've never got time to go shopping on a Wednesday, its Frozen Planet night after all (aren't he penguins sweet?). Moral high grounds are all good, but don't let them inconvenience me.

6. Decorations. Shopping centres and town centres at this time of you attempt to display a selection of festive decorations in order to calm you down and make you feel festive during the shopping period. For example:



As you can see Westfield have gone for decorating their trees such that they appear to have survived the aftermath of Chernobyl, this is not making me cheerful. Quite frankly given that I'm so stressed during shopping that even the presence of scantly clad models handing out vodka and crisp fifty pound notes would probably do nothing to calm my nerves, you can imagine how I feel about snowman suspended from the ceiling like Russel Grant on Strictly Come Dancing. Not calming at all.

7. Christmas Music. I would say my tolerance for Christmas music is higher than most, I am in fact listening to some now as I rant about my shopping experience. Though one particular year when I spent October having a Pizza Hut[/i] meal with a friend and was forced to listen to the same Christmas CD on loop for two hours, I did have a different opinion to Christmas music. However, the general rule is, it's all about appropriateness. It wouldn't have been appropriate to begin the allied Shock & Awe assault on Baghdad to the soundtrack of Lady Gaga's Poker Face. Similarly the sound of children screaming, valuable crockery smashing, and people rowing in Westfield is not best rounded off by a rendition of Cliff Richard's Mistletoe & Wine.

8. Receipts. Over recent years I have noticed a disturbing trend to receipts, they either handed to you with a pile of paperwork consisting of a series of vouchers that I don't want – do I look like I want half price children's books or £5 off my next No. 7 purchase? I don't think so. Alternatively they are printed on ridiculously long pieces of paper, recently I went to Hamleys to buy some toys – no I've not become a paedophile, they were comedy gifts for a friend! I only purchased two items, but because of the promotional blurb and an offer for money off at Leeds Castle printed at the bottom of the receipt, I was a presented with a receipt that was a foot long – genuinely I measured it (god I need to get a partner, my life is dull). What if I had children and bought a stocking full of toys? I'd probably have been presented with a receipt long enough to embalm myself in, or at the very least form a noose and end it all – which in fairness in Hamleys at Christmas time may be the only option. The upshot of all this is my wallet is now filled with enough receipts and money off vouchers that I could beat a whale to death with it, it's thicker than the Argos catalogue – although not quite as thick as an Argos employee. And the one solitary fiver in there has spontaneously combusted due to being compacted in with so much paper.

9. Shops that make you Queue Outside. At Westfield there is a number of desirable designer shops that wish to make them seem more aspirational than they really are, to this end they make people queue up outside in a roped off area. I'm sorry but f**k off, you aren't the log flume at Chessington World of Adventures, why on earth do you think I'd want to queue up to see all the things I can't afford in the shop that you don't have in my size. I think you'll find I'll be doing my Christmas shopping in good old unfashionable M&S where everyone is welcome. Admittedly everyone will think their gifts are unfashionable, but at least they'll stop being my friends and I won't have to go Christmas shopping for them ever again.

10. Shop Assistants. Now I have been a shop assistant, in fact pretty much all my after dinner anecdotes are based at my time working in a shop. So I do know the pressure some shop assistants are under, and many of them are very good. However many of them complete troglodytes, shambling around the store like a disembodied Margaret Beckett. Case in point, I spent thirty minutes in Boots, the world's most impossible store to navigate (every aisle's bloody bottles and no matter how they label the aisle I still don't know where to look for what I want). This half an hour consisted of me being sent repeatedly upstairs and downstairs by different shop assistants who themselves hadn't a clue where the item I wanted was. Still it's better than in shoe shops. Typically there's no one to serve you at all, so you grab the one shoe on display then wander round like sodding Prince Charming looking for Cinderella to see if she's got the other crystal slipper in a size 11. Which results in them just nipping out to the stock room, which judging by the time it takes them must be located on the dark side of the Moon. They then finally return to say they don't have a size 11, but they do have a size 6 would that be any help? Only if I wanted to wear them on my hands you idiot!!

11. Inappropriate Drinks. To ease the pain of Westfield shopping I arranged to meet a friend at Costa for a drink and a chat / moan about our tedious lives. Feeling rather festive I decided to order a Frosted Mint Hot Chocolate – how something can be Frosted and Hot at the same time I'm not quite sure, but it was on the Christmas menu nonetheless. I was then asked if I wanted chocolate sprinkles on it, to which I said yes and then was presented with this:



I'm sorry what the bloody hell is this?! As a terminally single man, I don't want to be presented with a beverage that's had more romantic existence than me. Why not just rub it in and present me with a chocolate muffin shagging an apple turnover, or a cheese and ham baguette surrounded by hundreds of other cheese and ham baguettes having a wonderful birthday. F**k you! It is not helping, it ranks up there with people snogging on the escalators of the London Underground, don't do it I will push you to your deaths – you have been warned.

12. People who claim to have a Top 10 of things to rant about, but get carried away... Yeah alright sorry, I got carried away. I am off to have a lie down and some strong medication, hope this guide proves of some use or failing that you ostracise all your friends and family in the next 12 days and don't bother. If only.

[fatolaf]

Nominations sent, love the categories....

[cunningmatt]

Nominations sent, love the categories....

Many thanks. Keep them coming in guys!

[cunningmatt]

Thursday 22nd December 2011 – Procrastination by Numbers Forgotten Special Characters Advent Calendar



Thanks for all the votes in for The 2011 Procrastination by Numbers Awards so far, please keep them, coming!! Here's Day 22:

[spoiler]
Thursday 22nd: The Knight of the Perilous Lance

Name: The Knight of the Perilous Lance

Original Points Cost: 121 points.

Background: The Knight of the Perilous Lance is very shy, even refusing to appear on this year's Celebrity Big Brother. No one even knows his name, so he is called the "Knight of the Perilous Lance" at tournaments – presumably because there's already someone called Dave.

Original Appearance: Warhammer Armies: Bretonnia – 5th Edition, no model released.



Last Appearance: Warhammer Armies: Bretonnia – 5th Edition

Special Rules: The Knight of the Perilous Lance has no magic items, but the following special rules which seem to be entitled much like magic items. The Perilous Lance – enemy at a -1 armour save from wounds inflicted by The Knight of the Perilous Lance. The Parrying Shield – The Knight of the Perilous Lance may reroll any failed armour saves.



My Memories of the Character: Despite having virtually no background, unremarkable special rules, no model and being a footnote in amongst a veritable feast of special characters in Warhammer Armies: Bretonnia – 5th Edition (15,000 at last count), The Knight of the Perilous Lance sticks out for me, maybe because he's the only character without some French in his name.

Person most Reminds Me Of: Any of this year's The X Factor contestants, as I really couldn't tell you their names.

Inclusion in 8th Edition: His special rules are so bland, that they copy into any edition of Warhammer, admittedly he's not a very good character but he's quite cheap so maybe worth inclusion. You'd need a knight model to represent him, with no details listed for him (as he's unknown) any knight model would do. Here's the one I've chosen.



[/spoiler]

You know what the drill is, over on the OG Games 2011 Advent Calendar there's another Special Character, if you want to check it out click here: http://ogforum.co.uk/index.php?topic=2697.msg38171;topicseen#msg38171