Procrastination by Numbers

[fatolaf]

Have you read the rules for Dreadfleet yet buddy?

[cunningmatt]

Have you read the rules for Dreadfleet yet buddy?

A while ago, when I first get the game. I imagine they'll all be painted around 2015 when I can have a game!!

[cunningmatt]

Update 73 – Wednesday 20th June 2012: You Can with the Dukan

Apologies if you've had the misfortune of speaking to me in the last couple of months, because I have officially turned into one of those people. Yeah I've started doing a "fad" diet and it is now all I can talk about, all I can tell you is what I can eat, what I am going to eat, how much weight I've lost, how much weight I have to lose and how regular my bowels are. Though in fairness I always talk about how regular my bowels are so you probably haven't noticed the difference! So far I've managed to keep diet talk off this blog, but no more I must break free and speak my mind, as I have nothing else to talk about. Though I am hoping that I will contain all the diet talk in one blog-sized burst and not bore you incessantly for weeks to come. But apologies if this article does read like a copy of Woman's Own.

Google any fad diet and you'll find articles about how it does work, how it doesn't work, how it will give you cancer and how it is responsible for the death of Diana, Princess of Wales – but then that's your own fault for reading the Daily Express' website. The diet I chose to embark upon is called the Dukan diet, named after its French creator Dr Dukan, and not chosen for some clever alliterative pun such as the one I have used to name this blog entry. Though that is helpful.

I embarked on the Dukan lifestyle, as he likes to refer it (lifestyle being that you can now only talk about dieting and annoy waiters by asking for special things from the menu), after seeing a colleague at work follow the same plan and rapidly disappear in front of my very eyes. Now I know I am hardly obese (don't disagree that's rude). I haven't had to be taken to London Zoo's elephant house to be weighed, I don't have to be positioned correctly on a plane in order to keep the plane aerodynamic nor do I need to be hoisted out of a Piccadilly line carriage chair at the end of my daily commute. Though sadly that last statement is only true because I live on the Northern line. However, I have noticed a little bit of tummy, an annoying bit that even with a token amount of exercise and broadly healthy eating won't go away. Every now and again it occasionally grows, at Christmas or bingey weekends, like a plant you occasionally get round to watering. Given enough time and slices of cake my tummy was sure to develop its own postcode if left unchecked. And with the recent 30th anniversary celebrations of my birth I felt now was the time to get in check before middle-aged spread, like a virulent fungal infection, took hold. Also I've never really felt comfortable being topless anywhere, I don't look obese but if I lie down people have mistaken my belly for a speed hump. When I tend to get changed for swimming I find myself holding a towel around at nipple height to cover my modesty, like a pregnant women. But enough was enough, no more would I be ashamed of my body it was time for a change.

This is the book I've been using:



It looks lovely and fluffy on the outside, but the inside is like the culinary edition of Mein Kampf a strict list of rules and regulations that need to be adhered to in order to achieve weight loss. Dr Dukan takes great pleasure in reminding you every step of the way that even one false move will result in you being a fat bastard.

I'll give you a quick overview of how the diet works, but on a serious note (for once) if you are following any weight loss plan make sure you do it sensibly and check you are following all the rules. Don't just follow some half-baked summary some idiot has written on a blog – get what I mean? Good, now I've finished being your disapproving mother I can get on.
Dukan is primarily a high protein diet, by feeding your body just protein it's forced to raid its fat stores to supplement your carbohydrate and sugar deficiency – like a crooked builder raiding a pensioner's bank account. The diet is broken up into phases, Phase 1 is called The Attack Phase, this doesn't involve any attacking, unless you actually unleash the pent up rage you will find quickly builds up against Dr Dukan when you've been following the diet for any length of time. In Phase 1 you can only eat lean proteins (poultry, lean beef or ham, fish, eggs etc.), 0% fat dairy products (skimmed milk, yoghurts, cottage cheese etc.) and a few selected condiments, and that is it. Drinks can only be coffee or tea (skimmed milk and sweetener only), non-fruit based diet fizzy drinks, water and skimmed milk. Sounds about as an appetising as a bowl of sawdust!

Here's a typical meal from Dukan Day 1:



Personally I don't find anything on that list actually disgusting. The main problem, I found, is what your tummy craves that it can't have rather than having to eat horrid things. Though saying that mention "cottage cheese" enough and bystanders do seem to have a terrible affliction where they spontaneously projectile vomit in your face. And I soon learnt that bringing prawns into the office was about as welcome, with my colleagues, as if I'd brought a plague of locusts in, or turned up for the day with the rotting corpse of Bernard Manning.

Another delightful meal was this one, which I arranged into the shape of a bearded face simply to add some excitement to dinner:



During Phase 1 you can eat as much of the above foods as you like, but only them. This is a rapid weight loss phase, I lost 2kgs (4lbs) in just three days, this weight lost I suspect was almost entirely made up of taste buds jumping off my tongue in a bid to kill themselves.
However this phase is only a temporary phase, up to a week and then you have to move to Phase 2, or you will die (possibly – almost certainly from taste boredom).

I found Day 1 of the Phase 1 wasn't too bad, I was detoxing from the 40kgs of birthday cake I gorged on the day before. By Day 2 I wanted to kill people, slowly and painfully. Day 2 was awful and there was lots of grumpiness (apologies to those in the office that day). By Day 4 the worst was over my stomach surrendered even if now again I would start hallucinating about chocolate and pizza.

The Dukan book helpfully provides some recipes for this stage to turn the bland range of foods into a selection of bland meals.



Unfortunately the quantities in the book are absolutely mad, the very first recipe is for a selection of salmon voul-a-vents (without any pastry!), that serve 50. Fifty!!! I am not organising a f**king Dukan dinner party, why would I want 50 of the bloody things. It's as if Dukan himself knows that anyone on the diet would have to instantly form some kind of group therapy organisation to get through it, and of course there'd need to be catering.

I made one recipe in this phase, this was these Mint Mousses:



It was primarily fat-free fromage frais, mixed with sweetener, green food colouring and peppermint flavouring. And tasted like you'd accidentally inhaled the contents of a dentist's hoover bag. It had the consistency and flavour of what you spit out of your mouth when brushing your teeth. No matter how bored I was of fat free vanilla yoghurts I never became so bored that I had a second one of these, and most of the contents of the above photo went in the bin (except the ramekins which have to be destroyed).

There was a depressing point in Phase 1 where I started getting jealous of what I was feeding the plants!



After a few days you advance to Phase 2 – The Cruise Phase. In order to stop your gastric system completely collapsing, Phase 2 alternates the protein days from Phase 1 with days where you can add in most vegetables and a few more condiments. As long as you do the same number of protein days as protein and veg days you're fine, so you can do this in any combination you like. Given that protein and veg days are a little easy to do when eating with friends or being cooked for by other people, I tended to mix up the pattern to get the protein and veg days to fall favourably.

By the time you get to Phase 2 you'll be craving a lettuce leaf, your body will want anything to add to its restricted menu. I had a particular lust for cherry tomatoes that was happily filled in Phase 2. I found the protein & veg days so much more tolerable than the protein only days.

At this point the Dukan book happily provides some top tips to get you through the challenging times. First tip is that it's really easy to order off a restaurant menu on Phase 2. Just choose something like salmon or an omelette or a salad and avoid dessert. Dukan is lying. It's bloody impossible to find any menus you can eat anything off. I looked through five before going out for a meal with friends, pretty much every salad required four things to be taken off – breadsticks, oil, cheese, avocado etc. By the time I'd gone through all those changes with any waitress she'd already start lining up a massive turd to drop into my dinner. I found that the simplest thing to order, in terms of least changes, was to go to Pizza Express and order the Goat's Cheese Salad – without any Goat's Cheese. Which is about as exciting as rushing out and buying a brand new games console, without buying any games for it.

His next top tip, is if you wish to avoid the embarrassment of explaining to family members your new diet. Then just dip pieces of chicken in your boiled egg instead of toast soldiers, they'll never know. Really?! How much does Dukan think toast and cooked chicken look the same? Or how far away does he think family members sit at the breakfast table? Is there about 100 meters distance between the chairs in his dining room, strategically placed so no one can clearly identify the foods going into their fellow diner's mouths? Of course your family will notice, they probably won't mention it in front of you. Mainly because they'll be discussing the fact that you madly started dipping bits of chicken in your boiled egg, behind your back for fear that any moment you're going to crack and start killing them. Even if your family did fall for your rouse, and believed the chicken you were dipping in your egg was toast, that's the only "secret" meal Dukan recommends. After how many meals of just boiled eggs and toast do you think your family will think you've gone bloody mad anyway?

Another problem is Dukan isn't really very portable. Eating on the move doesn't really work as meats and dairy products aren't really that travel friendly. Recently I went on a week filming with work, where I was on the road all day and found that while the crew were sitting eating lunch in a pub I was sat in the van in the pub car park eating luke warm vanilla yogurt and fish sticks. A more tragic site could not be imagined, well not without the death of a well-loved family pet or the cancellation of The Apprentice or something.

That said Dukan is an effective diet, after the first month I lost an impressive 7kgs (15lbs), and a large number of invites to dinners out – which for the social reclusive like me, can only be a good thing! I've tried a couple of Dukan's other recipes namely the Iced Chocolate Soufflé and the Tofu Choc Cream, and they're ok. Don't get me wrong they're not amazing chocolate desserts, if you went to Hotel Chocolait and got those, you'd piss in the shop assistant's face in disgust. But when your taste buds are crying out for variation and new flavours they seem to do the job. If you're wondering how they can be on the list, they're primarily made with zero fat fromage frais, egg whites and a low fat cocoa powder. In fact the whole dessert is so low fat, it's like the anti-matter version of Vanessa Feltz, put them in the same room and the resultant explosion will destroy of all BBC London Radio station. Which isn't necessarily the worst idea ever?

After 50 days I lost a total of 11 kgs (or 24 lbs) and reached my final target weight, a healthy slim Matty not afraid to bare his new svelte chest – though don't worry I won't be doing it in the office or on the Underground or anything. From my experience Dukan worked for me, if you can put up with the tough rules, and the taste boredom oh and the bad breath – ketosis takes hold in the first week and if you don't use regular mouth wash your breath could be used to cut through steel. I'm now in Stage 3: Consolidation, where I start introducing normal foods again slowly, so I don't balloon up instantly like the deployment of a car airbag. I am allowed things like cheese and bread again, which when you've not had anything tasty for 50 days is amazing:



Most excitingly I can have two "Celebration Meals" a week where I can eat anything I like – as long as I don't go silly with quantities.

For my first free choice meal I had this:



Followed by this:



Wooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! Finally I'll be back to a normal diet after this phase, and hopefully I'll never need to write another blog about tedious dieting. And if you're lucky you'll never need to read another blog about tedious dieting!

[TkaiC]

A recipe I was recommended is 1 tub of quark, 1 sachet of Options Chocolate powder (Orange is best).  Stir.  Eat.  (optional extra step: Hate self.)  It's like a gritty chocolate mousse but fits with the rules for most high protein diets. 

(1) I thought quark was something science-y. 
(2) the chap who recommended it truly believed it was nice.  THAT is the hidden health risk of all those fad diets, they warp you until you actually think a cream cheese and hot chocolate drink sachet make something on a par with a mint aero/chocolate orange.  Insanity.

Congrats on the weight loss though!

[Meals]

Jebus, 11kg in 50 days is fraking impressive! grats mate.

Gotta say though, I personally can't understand why people need these fad diets... (though it worked for you so feel free to ignore me here)  I lost 8 kgs in the 2 years I was in London, despite drinking 3-4 nights a week and eating takeaways pretty much every other day. Active job + exercise = win!

[noahtonkin]

Well done mate. I've been (probably) boring everyone by going to the gym to get fit. If you do the right kind of exercise and know a few. Bits and prices then that's the best way.
For example, London water has a stupidly high oestrogen content. High oestrogen means you store fat on your legs and chest. Bottled water= problem eliminated.

The other big one is stress. Your body's response to stress is to produce cortisol, people with too much cortisol have a very distinct appearance. Moon face, buffalo hump, central obesity and proximal muscle wasting (its a disease called Cushings). So stress makes you put on a gut. Now everyone gets in situations that are stressful, but if you can cope with them without getting pent up then you don't produce cortisol, therefore don't get as fat!

Handy advice from those trained in the medical professions there. That's actual proper doctors, not GPs...

[roland murat]

...and to think I thought stress helped you lose weight. No time to eat and charging round the office like a loon obviously doesn't work.

[noahtonkin]

not eating sends you into a starvation state, which means you actually put on weight as well.
so you need to eat, but do so properly!

[cunningmatt]

Wow! I never thought a dieting blog would get so much response! Have to start giving regular tips on that rather than painting! Thanks for all the congrats!

A recipe I was recommended is 1 tub of quark, 1 sachet of Options Chocolate powder (Orange is best).  Stir.  Eat.  (optional extra step: Hate self.)  It's like a gritty chocolate mousse but fits with the rules for most high protein diets. 

This sounds vile, much like my current food intake. Self-hate is never an option for me.

Gotta say though, I personally can't understand why people need these fad diets... (though it worked for you so feel free to ignore me here)  I lost 8 kgs in the 2 years I was in London, despite drinking 3-4 nights a week and eating takeaways pretty much every other day. Active job + exercise = win!

I always used to hate fad diets, but found my real lack of enthusiasms for hard core exercise, plus a bit of age, mean that while I can stay at a weight with reasonable exercise, I can't get to a good weight. Hence this. Guess different things work for everyone.

For example, London water has a stupidly high oestrogen content.

Does this explain why I fancy men then?

[cunningmatt]

Update 74 – Thursday 21st June 2012: Procrastination by Numbers gets Saucy!

Warning this blog features unacceptable levels of nudity.

Yeah you read the title right this week, this week Procrastination by Numbers is getting saucy! And I'm not talking this kind of sauce...



Nor am I talking about painting Witch Elves or Slaanesh Daemons. And before you ask I am not talking about the new Citadel Colour Paints Kinky Pink, Erotica Brown and Chlamydia Green – for legal reasons I should point out these colours don't exist (though who would be brave enough not to wash their hands after using Chlamydia Green?).

Nope this week I am talking all about striping!



Urrrghhhh what a sight!!!! Put it away, put it away!

Before this week's blog turns into Carry on Painting, I should point out that I am of course referring to the stripping of models, as you will probably be relieved to know. Unless of course that last photo did something for you, a stirring in the old nether regions – go on you know it did. If so you may enjoy this picture the resident five year old artist drew of me posing for that shot:



What I can say it's to scale, I'm a lucky boy. And that welcome to return to the resident five-year old artist has been marred by the fact that she's now had to go into therapy for a long time.

It's at this point I realise I'm going mad, I've written utter made up drivelling bollo**s which implies I've been showing my genitalia to a fictitious five year old child, so I should probably move on before social services come round.

So why, other than to move on this odd conversation, would you want to strip models? Surely you love your beautiful paintwork? Well perhaps you've inherited these models from a friend, eBay or a long lost relative whose passed away leaving a strange collection of butt plugs which would make excellent Dwarf Rangers? Could happen! Or perhaps you've just mucked up some painting or fancy a refresh.

Back in the dim distant mists of times, when the only odd thing about Simon Cowell was his trouser line and EastEnders was only on Mondays and Thursdays, I decided to paint up my 4th edition High Elves. This was before I'd really learnt to paint and just simply slapped on base colours. Being a long time ago, around the early 90s, we'd only just discovered colour (until 1989 the actual world was in black and white – colour had to be added into old TV footage), so to make the most of this new discovery all Warhammer models were painted garishly in a complete mockery of reason or rhyme. I was the same and decided bright blue, yellow and red would be perfect for my High Elves – how I've changed?!?

Any who, I was rummaging through a box of old High Elves and found these old chaps and thought they'd make a good addition to my current army:



As you can see they are poorly coated in paint, much like a Turner Prize entrant, so I decided to strip the paint off these guys and add them to my modern army. To strip your models you'll need to use some Gentlemen's Nail Polish Remover, which I didn't have already lying around the bathroom honest. Here's a picture of such a bottle should you not have one in your bathroom:



An important point here if you are stripping metal models you need to use Nail Polish Remover with Acetone, if you are stripping plastic models you need to use Acetone-Free Nail Polish Remover, because Acetone dissolves plastic – but it's perfectly safe to put on your fingers ladies (really? Sure?).



Baring in mind this important information I chose just to strip my metal models. I was going to rebase the Spearmen command anyway, so I simply broke them off the plastic bases. I then put them all in a bath of nail polish remover:



I used the lid of a Citadel Spray Can for my bath, you could use anything similar like an old yogurt pot or your wives' favourite wine glass – then just tell her it's gin when you've finished. A word of warning here, a pot of Nail Polish stinks, so you may want to do this in another room.

Unfortunately the nail varnish won't act like kettle descaler and simply vaporize the paint! Dependent on how long ago the models were painted, how much varnish was used, and the phases of the Moon, will depend on how easy it is to strip the paint. Given the Berlin Wall was still standing when these were painted it wasn't going to be any easy task stripping them, and I was forced to attack them with this toothbrush. You can use an old toothbrush or if like normal people you throw away old toothbrushes and don't have them to hand, you could buy a cheap one. I got a pack of two value toothbrushes from Sainsbury's for just 10 pence! That's right five pence a toothbrush! How on earth is it possible to make a toothbrush for five pence? And who on earth would stick anything that cheap in their mouth? Oh wait a minute I think I did once, knew I shouldn't have gone dogging on Gran Canaria.

After some vigorous brushing, and be careful here as I broke some fragile swords, I'd managed to scrub some of the outer paint away. At this point re-dip in the nail varnish to give it a chance to attack the newly exposed paint surface. Eventually after about as much vigorous wrist action as the average fifteen year old boy's bedroom, you should have something like this.



Ok so there were a few specs of paint left, but to be honest I'd ran out of energy at this point!

Undercoat them with the usual Chaos Black Spray paint and then you are ready to go. I'm sure they are more useful stripping tips. But that's all I've got. Reply with them all now and we can form a hot bed of knowledge!

Tale of OG Gamers – High Elves

Back in Update 65, I showed you my High Elf army as it currently stands and how close I was to finishing. Well a burst of Jubilee weekend painting meant that virtually all the rank and file troops have been ticked off the to-do list.

First up were my unit of Spearmen, you may be wondering why when I already have 50 High Elf Spearmen I need another unit. Well I grant you I don't, but they were effectively free in my High Elf Mega Army box set so it seemed a shame to waste them.

Now I was never going to convert all these models, but I wanted the unit to look a little different from the other Spearmen – at least on the face of it, for that initial look. So unlike my other Spearmen I kept all the spears vertical, as if the unit was marching, rather than having them lowered as if receiving a charge. I also added in a classic metal command group, the one shown above. Additionally I painted the shields with a blue base colour, rather than my usual white. And of course I swapped the yellow and blue accent colours that I usually do. Here's the original unit of 50:



And here's the new unit, which hopefully you'll agree looks at least a little distinct at first glance?!:









And I don't wish to blow my own trumpet, but I think the command group look a little bit here than they did previously?!

If you are one of the few people who likes the painting guides, then you can see the Spearmen Guide in Updates 24, 26, 28 & 30 (though some of the accent colours have been swapped).

To finish off the High Elf Mega Army (box from Games Workshop), I also painted up 5 more Dragon Princes, other than using than the alternate champion pieces, I swapped the yellow and blue, and some of the gold and silver colouring from the original unit (shown here):



So here are the new five, and I don't think they look too bad with the silver head pieces:







The banner is a free hand design of my own, hope it doesn't look too cartoonish:



Again there's a painting guide for these across Updates 44, 47 & 54, though some of the colours have again been swapped!

I've also added 12 Lothern Sea Guard, to my unit of 18, to make a chunky unit of 30:









To the one painting guide fan out there, here's how they were done:

Stage 1: Lothern Sea Guard



Base: Khemri Brown
Leather: Scorched Brown
Robes and Shield: 1:1 Astronomican Grey/Skull White
Armour Edging: 1:1 Enchanted Blue/Ice Blue
Silver Metal: Chainmail
Spear and Bow: Khemri Brown
Dragon: Mechrite Red
Sea: 1:1:1 Chaos Black/Enchanted Blue/Dark Angels Green
Gold Metal: Tin Bitz
Hair: Vomit Brown or Dheneb Stone or Calthan Brown
Flesh: Dwarf Flesh
Pennants and Arrow Quivers: Iyanden Dark Sun
Seaweed: Dark Angels Green
Shells: Dheneb Stone

Stage 2: Lothern Sea Guard


Base: *NO CHANGE*
Leather: Wash with Badab Black
Robes and Shield: Layered with 1:2 Astronomican Grey/Skull White
Armour Edging: Layered with Ice Blue
Silver Metal: Wash with Badab Black
Spear and Bow: Layered with Graveyard Earth
Dragon: Layered with Blood Red
Sea: Layered at top, and waves painted lower down with 1:1 Enchanted Blue/Dark Angels Green
Gold Metal: Basecoated (over the Tin Bitz) with Shining Gold
Hair: Vomit Brown – washed with Ogryn Flesh. Dheneb Stone – washed with Badab Black. Calthan Brown – washed with Badab Black
Flesh: Layered with Elf Flesh
Pennants and Arrow Quivers: Layered with Golden Yellow
Seaweed: Layered with 1:1 Enchanted Blue/Dark Angels Green
Shells: Layered with Bleached Bone

Stage 3: Lothern Sea Guard



Base: *NO CHANGE*
Leather: Highlighted with Beastial Brown
Robes and Shield: Layered with Skull White, sometimes a second coat used for good coverage especially on large areas.
Armour Edging: Highlighted with 1:1 Ice Blue/Skull White
Silver Metal: Highlighted with Mithril Silver
Spear and Bow: Layered with watered down Bleached Bone (to give a uneven wood grain effect)
Dragon: Highlighted with Blazing Orange, then with Vomit Brown.
Sea: Layered at top most and on waves with 1:1:1 Enchanted Blue/Dark Angels Green/Space Wolves Grey
Gold Metal: Washed with Gryphonne Sepia
Hair: Vomit Brown – highlighted with Vomit Brown. Dheneb Stone – highlighted with Bleached Bone. Calthan Brown – highlighted with Snakebite Leather
Flesh: Washed with watered down Ogryn Flesh
Pennants and Arrow Quivers: Layered with Sunburst Yellow
Seaweed: Layered with 1:1:1 Enchanted Blue/Dark Angels Green/Bleached Bone
Shells: Highlighted with Skull White

Stage 4: Lothern Sea Guard


Base: Drybrush with Bleached Bone then flock with Glade Grass
Leather: *NO CHANGE*
Robes and Shield: Further layering of Skull White on central areas
Armour Edging: *NO CHANGE*
Silver Metal: *NO CHANGE*
Spear and Bow: *NO CHANGE*
Dragon: Wash with Baal Red
Sea: Highlight uppermost waves with 1:1:3 Enchanted Blue/Dark Angels Green/Space Wolves Grey
Gold Metal: Highlight with 5:1 Shining Gold/Mithril Silver
Hair: Vomit Brown – highlighted with Bleached Bone. Dheneb Stone – highlighted with Skull White. Calthan Brown – highlighted with Bubonic Brown
Flesh: *NO CHANGE*
Pennants and Arrow Quivers: Wash with Ogryn Flesh highlight with Bad Moon Yellow
Seaweed: Layered with 1:1:3 Enchanted Blue/Dark Angels Green/Bleached Bone
Shells: Wash in recess with 1:1 Asurmen Blue/Thraka Green, then wash all over with a very watered down Mithril Silver

To go with them were 7 Swordmasters of Hoeth, taking my unit up to a choppy 24:











And if you want to see a guide to painting those ever so sexy Swordmaster models, check out Updates 11 & 15.

That's all the new models I have to show you for now, the good news is all the remaining High Elf models are constructed and basecoated:



And yes the astute amongst you may have noticed one there's a Battle Standard Bearer – finally I've got round to painting one only 7,000 points in! And two there's some War Lions of Chrace. The unit from the Storm of Magic book. Well given that I had the parts left over from my Tiranoc Chariots it seemed a shame not to get them all painted up, who knows when they might come in useful even if just for a Chrace filled game.

These were assembled, from the basic War Lion model, all I had to do was snip off the join with the reins and model a bit of green stuff into a mane (surprisingly easy to do) to cover the join. Fortunately in Storm of Magic they are listed as wearing light armour – presumably so you don't have to remodel the kit too much!!

Here's a work in progress picture, apologies for the quality it was outdoors I had only a little light left to spray everything and it had just started raining!!



And with that cliff-hanger of having nearly finished the High Elves, it's a great shame that I'm away for the next week or two filming in a secret location (I don't even know where!) with work! So no blog updates next week, I know how can I leave you here?! Sorry! See you soon.