Tale of OG Gamers - High Elves

[cunningmatt]

Probably won't even get that far!

[cunningmatt]

Wednesday 16th February – WEEK 7

Warning the following post contains seriously vitriolic and anti-Valentine's rant, those of a delicate romantic nature (and teddy bears) may wish to look away now.

Seven weeks ago I told you that New Year's was the worst celebration of the year, I lied! Well more to the point 11 months of therapy had worked and I'd blocked the affront on humanity that is Valentine's Day. Don't get me wrong Valentine's Day isn't all bad, the Valentine's Day Massacre being a particularly tasteful event from the 1920s but now there seems to be far too much Valentine's and far too little Massacre for my tastes. The only good thing about Valentine's Day is it's proximity to Christmas which means retailers only have a month and a half to promote the bloody thing. I swear if Valentine's Day was in October and we'd had 6 months of retail space devoted to it, I'd have burnt down my Sainsbury's. In fact I hate Valentine's Day so much that the only appealing thing about the day is deliberately "accidentally" falling against people in the tube baring bunches of roses thereby crushing the flowers and ruining their evening!

I'll be upfront and come clean now, my bitterness about Valentine's Day is purely and simply due to the fact that I'm single and the last time I was in a relationship on February the 14th was back in the Cretaceous period. It's a pure bitterness and jealously thing there – I'm not happy, and Valentine's Day serves to remind me of that. Whilst it may seem that Valentine's Day is just an innocent celebration of the romance you have for the one you love, it is in fact a big reminder to the terminally alone that you are a failure. In a sense it's a celebration that "we're not single" and by extension an exclusive party to which single people aren't invited. Which seems not to be more than just a metaphor for my life at present - apparently I can't come to any dinner parties with my uni friends any more as they are all in couples and inviting me means that they need an odd number of seats. Well I'm terribly bloody sorry, tell you what, I'll just binge eat to cope with my depression and become so obese I can occupy two seats – there problem solved, and ironically more likely than me actually finding a bloody partner to take.

Anyway as I was saying Valentine's Day or "We're Not Single" Day as it feels always seems a bit tasteless, I mean you wouldn't have a day called "Having a House" Day where you celebrate having somewhere to live, as that would be in poor taste to the homeless. You wouldn't send cards saying:

"Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
I have a roof over my head.
Shame you don't too."

Because that would be wrong. Similarly it would be wrong to have "I'm Not Ugly" Day, as this card would be inappropriate:

"Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
You filll with me dread.
And your face makes me want to spew."

Again "I Have a Job" Day would be wrong, this card would not go down well:

"Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
At least on Monday you're in bed,
But on Tuesday you'll have to join the Dole queue"

Quite tasteless as you'll agree, though in the current economic climate quite a good seller. Even worse at the Frankie Boyle level of political correctness (not Frankie Howard level of political correctness as I originally wrote - thank god for proof  reading) would be "I'm not Mentally Retarded" Day where such cards could read:

"Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
Sadly you're brain dead,
And someone has to clean up your poo"

Again everyone would say this is deeply tasteless, totally outrageous to the mentally ill and deeply offensive. Though possibly not as offensive as the version of this rhyme that mentions a toasted cheese sandwich, but I'll leave Ol to fill you in on that one!

So if this is the case and all such celebrations are tasteless and wrong, I'd argue that "I'm Not Single" Day falls in the same category. Single people typically have more tragic lives, wallowing in their own self worthlessness – it's simply not fair to have a day to remind them off this. So in retaliation I have decided to launch my own celebration which I will call Anti-Valentine's Day where we celebrate failed and unrequited love, bitterness and singledom. I think it's only fair and represents a massive marketing opportunity, which in these harsh economic times can only be a good thing for the country. You would be able to send cards to people who you'd had unfortunate relationships with, such as for an unrequited love a card that on the front reads "Why Won't You Go Out with Me?" and inside reads:

"Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
You're responsible for the unfortunate stains on my bed,
And I'm outside your house watching you"

Touching.

Or for the person who dumped you, a card that simply reads "You Ruined My Life" and inside:

"Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
I can't get the thoughts of you out my head,
I'd do anything for once last screw"

Or my favourite for the person who cheated on you a card that reads "Remember Me?" and inside:

"Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
I want you dead,
And your new boyfriend too"

Like Valentine's Day cards these should all be anonymously signed for proper stalkerish effect, and to reduce the likelihood of the relevant authorities finding you. Personally I think this would be a genius marketing ploy for retailers because as we all know love may last forever but only bitterness is eternal.

For the last few years I have been embracing Anti-Valentine's Day with my own Anti-Valentine's Day meal where I have cooked for a selection of my single friends on Valentine's Day, forcing my housemates in couples to go out for the evening and spend an inordinate amount of money on their partners – ha ha ha.

Like all tackily themed Valentine's Day meals my Anti-Valentine's Day meal is known for it's tacky anti-Valentine's Day themeing, as you can see:





Just as the heart is the symbol of Valentine's Day the shattered heart is the symbol of Anti-Valentine's Day with broken hearts everywhere.

To remind us why it's better to be single than in a couple, pictures of famous celebrity break ups are scattered around the dining room:





Always good to see Les Dennis and Heather Mills in the same post I think.

Even the menu is themed:



With the starter being Bitter Paté, main course being Broken Chicken Hearts and dessert being Date-Free Cake – see what I've done there? Additionally shots are only available as singles.

It's important to make sure the door into the event is appropriately themed:



Incidentally this image makes a great R.S.V.P. to wedding invites that your more successful friends send you. Bastards.

No Anti-Valentine's Party would be complete without a touch of burnt rose petals for the smell of your hopes and dreams burning:



Just in case it gets too much an appropriate emergency sign is placed on the balcony:



And no Anti-Valentine's Dinner would be complete without some table decorations:



Here's Valentine's Doggy holding a lovely heart and with a knife sticking through his chest, and blood dripping out of his body.



And Valentine's Teddy whose head has unfortunately been ripped off - the stupid smug smiling turgid bear.

At this point you're likely to be backing away from the computer, and thinking to yourself if I ever see that spikey-haired weirdo down the club again, I'm leaving. And to be honest any good psychologist would probably agree with you.

Sadly Anti-Valentine's night didn't occur this year, primarily as my regular group of single friend invitees have pretty much all found partners, and those that haven't, have responded to the above paragraph. So in an effort to be positive and take control of the situation I signed myself up to a Valentine's network and socialising event, the idea being that being as it was on Valentine's Day only single people would go. Thus you could all meet up get laid and live happily ever after – well that's what the brochure said.

The problem is that any event in which romance is being attempted to be artificially orchestrated will only attract social retards, like myself, because clearly those who aren't social retards can meet people they like in normal situations and ask them out without the need of some grand "shag me" event. Also I failed to realise the key plan that everyone else would do at these events, they'd bring at least one other single friend along, so they had someone to talk to. I didn't. So now we have a room full of social retards, no one talking to anyone, except to the people they've bought with them who they already know. And the individual singletons like myself standing there in a corner on their own, eitther acting excited by a pot plant or pretending to read texts on their phone. Seriously I ran out of things to do on my phone, I'd cleared out the drafts text message folder and reorganised my phone book all whilst pretending to read a text. In fact social awkwardness may be the best reason to get a smart phone, at least that way I can use Google whilst pretending to read texts. Incidentally if you're reading this blog and don't know who I am down at the club, as I know it's busy and I don't come along as often as I'd like, you now know I'm the one standing in the corner pretending to send a text. Come and say hi, I'll run a mile.

Anyway having spent £10 for this "exciting" event and drunk my free glass of wine, I decided, after an hour of avoiding making eye contact with the creepy looking people, I should abandon this lost cause. So my Valentine's evening consisted of wasting £10, feeling depressed about being unable to pull in what by all accounts should have been a dead cert – room full of desperate singletons on Valentine's Day. Then I went home binge ate a pizza and two cheesecakes and completed a level on Mario Kart. Not doing that again, next year I'm coming back to get you teddies!

Before I go for this week to calm down and let my vein stop throbbing, I should impart to any couples out there the three golden rules that you should always obey when trying to comfort single people on or around Valentine's Day:

1. Don't tell us that Valentine's Day is worse for couples. If it that's bad leave them, you are miserable by choice, we are miserable despite our best efforts not to be. Your level of pain pales in comparison to our own don't try and trivialise it.

2. Don't tell us that you and your partner aren't doing anything for Valentine's Day. How could this possibly help? What you are effectively saying is that you have a ticket to the Happiness Party we're not allowed to go to, but your life is so happy you don't need to go to the Happiness Party – this makes us hate you.

3. Don't tell us that "don't worry you're bound to meet someone perfect soon". Quite frankly I'm too old for this Disney bullshit - it's perfectly possible that I will spend the rest of miserable life sad and lonely with my only companionship provided by a group of dismembered Valentine's Day teddies. Fate has nothing to do with it, don't patronise me!

I don't know about you, but I feel better! Incidentally as I seem to have become known as the OG Gamers' Charlie Brooker, I should point you in the direction of his wonderful programme "How TV Ruined Your Life" which this week is all about Love and holds a similar view point to me. Though not being married to a Blue Peter presenter makes me a more believable person to moan about singledom, I think you'll agree! Anyway here's this week's edition:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/i/ysfvh/

This edition includes the classic Brooker lines: "Love to me is being able to share a fridge with the same person for 17 years without resorting to fists" and "Blind Date is hosted by Cilla Black, here played by Ronald McDonald's Aunt" – so true!

Before I go just to say does anyone else have that moment where they post a "what they think is really funny" comment on a thread, only to find no one replies in a really awkward tumbleweed/you killed the thread kind of way. Thank god that doesn't happen to me:



Yes I was that one reply. Still no further comments I see. Oh well just trying to be funny.

Finally three bits of bad news. Firstly I haven't really done any hobby this week - had to work the weekend and thought using razor saws and craft knives with the state of mind that wrote this blog might be a bit dangerous. Secondly, next week I will be in Liverpool with work (that should cheer me up – I think not!), so probably won't be able to blog next week, and consequently the third bit of bad news is that I probably won't finish February's painting tasks in time. Don't worry though I will try and do some painting in Liverpool so at least it should provide some blog material.

Have a great week, and remember if you want to self harm ankles are always better to cut than wrists as less people at work will notice!

[maelzch]

a great, if occaisionally borderline psychotic update this week Matt!

One of my friends wished me a "Happy Overpriced, Novelty, Heart-Shaped and Flower Scented Tat Day" on Monday, which pretty much sums it up!

The selection of 'alternative' message made me laugh, suggest a few to Hallmark, especially my favourite one:

"Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
Sadly you're brain dead,
And someone has to clean up your poo"

Again everyone would say this is deeply tasteless, totally outrageous to the mentally ill and deeply offensive. Though possibly not as offensive as the version of this rhyme that mentions a toasted cheese sandwich, but I'll leave Ol to fill you in on that one!

I believe you are referring to this quaint ditty:
[spoiler]"Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I've got Alzheimers,
Cheese on toast"[/spoiler]

"Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
You're responsible for the unfortunate stains on my bed,
And I'm outside your house watching you"

Touching.

I nearly spat Coke onto my screen with just the word "touching" following that, you'd think I'd have learned from Ol by now! 

Incidentally as I seem to have become known as the OG Gamers' Charlie Brooker

Couldn't agree more, there's a lot of rage and vitriol bottled up in there, despite weekly outbursts!

[EvilFuzzyDoom]

May I propose an official anthem for Anti-Valentine's Day:

TISM - Everyone Else Has Had More Sex THan Me

[noahtonkin]

Damn it, I knew there was something I was supposed to remember on monday!
One thing you lucky singletons have though is the understandign that if someone says to you
'no, i dont want a pint/a cigarette/any thing else' chances are they actually mean it.
I had the delights of 'why dont I have flowers'- you said you didnt want anything, infact you explicitly told me not to get you anything or you'd be really angry, now that I havent got you anything, your angry! Honestly. I really dont get it.

Nice to hear appropriate views on yet another innocent celebration ruined by the corparate market.
In all seriousness, I came back to london after christmas and popped down to tescos to get some essentials (bread, milk, top gear magazine) and the shelves were full of valentines stuff and easter eggs!
Really, 4 months away and they'd already started putting stuff out.

[fatolaf]

Fab, need I say more, muchos yoghurt spat on pc screen...

Touching

Classic! 

[cunningmatt]

a great, if occaisionally borderline psychotic update this week Matt!

You know me so well.

I believe you are referring to this quaint ditty:
[spoiler]"Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I've got Alzheimers,
Cheese on toast"[/spoiler]

Ahh it was Cheese on Toast not a Toasted Cheese Sandwich, must have just been thinking of my stomach!

I nearly spat Coke onto my screen with just the word "touching" following that, you'd think I'd have learned from Ol by now! 

Stop it with the drinking/eating and reading, you know it will end in tears/techonology repair bills.

Couldn't agree more, there's a lot of rage and vitriol bottled up in there, despite weekly outbursts!

Again you know me so well.

May I propose an official anthem for Anti-Valentine's Day:

TISM - Everyone Else Has Had More Sex THan Me

Yes you may. Motion approved!

Damn it, I knew there was something I was supposed to remember on monday!
One thing you lucky singletons have though is the understandign that if someone says to you
'no, i dont want a pint/a cigarette/any thing else' chances are they actually mean it.
I had the delights of 'why dont I have flowers'- you said you didnt want anything, infact you explicitly told me not to get you anything or you'd be really angry, now that I havent got you anything, your angry! Honestly. I really dont get it.

Maybe us singletons would like a deep passionate row with someone more exciting than the office photocopier? Did you think of that? 

Fab, need I say more, muchos yoghurt spat on pc screen...

Again food/drink and my blog don't mix, unless you put the screen up against the window and read from outside! 

[noahtonkin]

Maybe us singletons would like a deep passionate row with someone more exciting than the office photocopier? Did you think of that? 

Well not to worry, I'm sure you'll find s... oh wait, you said not to say that.

Damn it, you really have taken the fun out of it, this is one of the very rare occasions in my life where I can actually be part of a group, and you've gone and set up its antithesis, which of course I now cannot be part of!

[cunningmatt]

This is one of the very rare occasions in my life where I can actually be part of a group, and you've gone and set up its antithesis, which of course I now cannot be part of!

Sorry!

[fatolaf]

Again food/drink and my blog don't mix, unless you put the screen up against the window and read from outside! 

At least I think it was yoghurt....