Procrastination by Numbers

[roland murat]

Surely nobody is that mad...there again

[cunningmatt]

In fairness there was a very small window between model coming out, and rules being replaced with less good ones! I would never have got it painted by then.

Of course I will be using it! 

[cunningmatt]

Procrastination by Numbers: Update 117 The Traditional Anti-Valentine's Rant, or is it? Tuesday 18th February 2014



I don't usually write non-gaming posts on here anymore, but somehow it seemed fitting and traditional to present the annual Valentine's moan...

117.1 Anti-Valentine's

Tradition dictates that at this time of year I unleash some vitriolic rant but how awful Valentine's Day is. How it's a miserable festival that prays on the insecure and the lonely. How it's about as tactful as having Employment Day where we laugh at the jobless. And that single people want Valentine's Day about as much as people in Somerset want a rain dance.

At this time of year I can usually be found garrotting teddy bears holding hearts, and wishing slow and painful deaths upon past love interests which never worked out (as in they weren't interested in me, particularly when I started stalking them). However this year something unbelievable has happened, something that will shock you to your very core, something so mind blowing that bits of your brain will be splattered about across the carpet. I am actually going out with someone. I'll say that again in case you don't believe me, I am going out with someone. Yes a real human being of their own free will is going out with me. I haven't had to resort to imprisoning anyone in my purpose built dungeon. (Shit, that's a point, what am I going to do with that now?).

I probably should have warned you to sit down before springing such an earth-shattering revelation upon you. In fact the universe has recoiled in such horror at the thought of me being in a relationship, that sink holes have opened up across the land and a series of apocalyptic storms have engulfed the country. I literally can only apologise to those whose houses have been flooded. We best hope by the time the vote on Scottish independence arrives I return to being single, lest Hadrin's Wall collapses into a deep crevice and molten magma spews up to engulf the border.

You're probably wondering how I tricked someone into going out with me. I know I certainly am. While all right thinking people see a hideous blob of self-loathing neurosis, they apparently see an attractive sociable person they want to spend time with. And apparently they think I'm funny, I know, and they've read my blog before?! There is literally is no accounting for taste, but we probably should all be grateful for the potential to meet people with exceptionally low standards.

The upshot of this unexpected, nay miraculous success in the dating department is interesting. You see for countless long lonely years I've always hated loved up couples and everything they stand for. Yet know I find myself becoming one of those types of people. And rather than relinquish my hatred of the happy in some epiphany moment, I find I just hate what I have become. Cutesie sweet little pet names between loving partners have always been more revolting than an all-expenses paid holiday to Eric Pickles' toilet bowl. They still are nauseating except now I have a cutsie name for my partner. And I enjoy using it. Except there in the back of my mind is my former self looking at me, judging me, appalled by what I've become - a sell-out.

The thought of couples having a romantic meal for two still brings a taste of vile to my throat and urge to punch them. But now I have romantic meals for two (with my partner not on my own like some pathetic fat slug - like I used to), and I like them. But part of me is fighting an irresistible urge to punch myself in the face. Which I imagine would probably ruin dinner.

I mean the other day I seriously considered kissing him in public. An act, that if I saw anyone else doing, would cause me to convulse with rage before metaphorically bursting into flames. I've found it's generally easier for me and much more convenient for bystanders if I only metaphorically burst into flames, rather than doing the full thing. By the time the fire brigade have been called, various sprinkler systems deployed and my clothes reduced to a smoking chargrilled mess it can turn into a lot of hassle. So now when I am in public, I find myself torn between the romantic urge to give my partner a well-meaning peck on the cheek and wanting to stick my head in a paper shredder for even thinking about committing the cardinal sin of a public display of affection.

I've also become one of those awful people who now never sees any of his friends because he's seeing his other half. In fairness before this is thrown against me as being a loved up person, I think this is less me spending every waking (and sleeping) moment with my other half. More I only have a very limited energy capacity for social interaction with other humans, so by the time I've spent the appropriate quota on my love life I have virtually none left.

Sat on the Tube at the weekend I saw a couple having a blazing row followed by a massive silent sulking session. All the while holding a single red rose - which made the thing all the more funny. I internally chuckled away, but a part of me got sad at the thought I could end up having a blazing row with my partner. What a sick sappy pathetic human I've become. Incidentally we haven't had our first significant row yet, though that may all change when they read this edition of my blog.

Worst and most damning of all, I caught myself looking through a selection of Valentine's cards in a non-ironic way. I actually found some of them cute and picked out one I liked, rather than wanting to set fire to the whole store.

I've entered an undiscovered country, where bitterness is no longer my constant companion. It's weird, part of me misses him, part of me hates what I've become. Quite frankly the whole thing makes me feel quite unwell, the only cure may be to go and murder a teddy.

[roland murat]

Oh how you've changed.

[cunningmatt]

I know. I am sorry I have let you all down.

[TkaiC]

Where's the painting guide for the rose?

[fatolaf]

I miss the mutilated bears.....

[cunningmatt]

I miss the mutilated bears.....

So do I.

Got a blog ready for Monday, I promise no mentions of being happy. Instead lots of Warhammer - oh everyone hates that too 

[cunningmatt]

Procrastination by Numbers: Update 118 Sorcerer Lord Barlow the Next Chapter Monday 24th February 2014



118.1 Ogfort Battle 4 - Introduction

Last time we chatted battles was Update 115, when Sorcerer Lord Barlow had just been squashed by a Doomdiver in his bid to capture the city of Ogfort for his master the Lord of Cowell. If that means nothing to you, you might need to go back and read some background. Anyway it was time for Round 4, the competition was heating up as we approached the final battle.

Here's Pip's background fluff to get you in the mood before my madness takes over:

North of Ogfort, an ancient network of stone circles marks the nexus of arcane power in the region. Control of the power harnessed by the Ogham stones may well decide the fate of Ogfort - and so Oggalyn dispatches her swiftest forces to seize them with fire and sword.

For this battle I had 2,500 points to play the objective being to get my wizards into a stone circle in the centre of the table. Non wizards couldn't enter, and wizards in the circle gained a 3+ ward save against attacks from outside the stone circle. The winner would be the person with the most magic levels in the stone circle at the end of Turn 6.

As a reminder, lest you need one, my army had to be chosen from my army 'pool', see Update 111. My initial decision was to take both Sorcerer Lord Barlow on Disc, and my Level 2 Daemon Prince who both had the option to fly in and take the circle early on. But sadly my lord allowance wasn't high enough for both. Dam it. Whilst having a tough Daemon Prince in the circle appealed to me, I felt I need my Level 4 wizard to ensure I had sufficient wizard levels on the table to at least offer a challenge! The rest of my army selection was based on the decision to have tough units to hold up the enemy as and where needed if the opportunity came to lock an enemy wizard in combat outside the circle that would be amazing. Otherwise it was all down to the wizards. Here's my army selection taken from my main list. Feel free to skim over, if you've already seen it. But it's a nice excuse for pictures of my army!!

Sorcerer Lord Barlow



Chaos Sorcerer Lord (Lore of Tzeentch) Level 4 Magic, with Mark of Tzeentch, riding Disc of Tzeentch. He has the Talisman of Preservation, Crown of Command and Scaled Skin, and wears Chaos Armour. (405 points) Yes I realised it was really stupid to give the Crown of Command to an independent character and not use its effects on a unit, but where were you telling me this when I was writing the army? Hmmmm Hmmmm Hmmm.

Louis the Sorcerous Imp



Chaos Sorcerer (Lore of Metal) Level 2 Magic, with Mark of Tzeentch. He has a Dispel Scroll and wears Chaos Armour. (185 points)

Dermot O'Battle Standard Bearer



Exalted Hero bearing the Battle Standard, with Mark of Tzeentch and wearing Chaos Armour. He has a Great Weapon, Helm of Many Eyes and the Dawnstone. (201 points)

Bootcamp Warriors



15 Chaos Warriors with Mark of Tzeentch and full command. They are armed with hand weapons and shields, and wear Chaos Armour. (285 points)

Marauder Auditionees



40 Chaos Marauders with Mark of Tzeentch and full command. They are armed with hand weapons and shields. (390 points)

The Knights of One Direction



5 Chaos Knights with Mark of Tzeentch and full command. They are armed with Ensorcelled Weapons, wear Chaos Armour and ride barded Chaos Steeds. They bear the Blasted Standard. (280 points)

Audience Trolls



4 Chaos Trolls with extra hand weapons. (152 points)

Shaggoth Osbourne



Dragon Ogre Shaggoth with Great Weapon. (227 points)


Spawn Brookstein


Chaos Spawn with Mark of Tzeentch. (70 points)

Spawn Cardle



Chaos Spawn with Mark of Tzeentch. (70 points)

Wagner the Tzeentchian Giant



Chaos Giant with Mark of Tzeentch. (215 points)

I ended up drawn against Sam and his Warriors of Chaos army which consisted of a reasonably similar line up: Sorcerer Lord of Tzeentch on Disc, Nurgle Battle Standard Bearer on Daemonic Mount, Level 1 Slaanesh Sorcerer, 15x Nurgle Warriors with Halberd and Shield, 15x Khorne Warriors with extra hand weapon, 15x Slaanesh Warriors with Great Weapon, 5x Khorne Knights with Ensorcelled Weapons, 5x Nurgle Knights with lances, 5 Hounds and a Shaggoth.

Spells wise both the Level 4 Tzeentch wizards got Pink Fire of Tzeentch, Blue Fire of Tzeentch, Bolt of Change and Infernal Gateway. Louis drewSearing Doom and Transmutation of Lead. And Sam's Slaanesh Sorcerer got Slicing Shards and Hysterical Frenzy.

Now to battle!!

118.2 Ogfort Battle 4 – Battle Report



Sorcerer Lord Barlow could feel the power coursing through his body, he couldn't work out if it was the pride he got in remembering to send the Lord of Cowell a "congratulations" card on the birth of his new Lordling or whether it was the presence of the powerful stone circles, that legend had lay to the north of Ogfort. The Lord of Cowell had instructed him to capture these as it would allow him to open a powerful gateway to the Realm of Chaos, allowing magical energy to flow and help the Lord of Cowell withdraw from his disastrous attack on the new frontier. Things had not been going well for him there.

As the Sorcerer's disc crested the hill he could see the powerful stones, there was no doubt – this was the source of the energy. The air around them tinkled and glowed in pyrotechnic swirls of colour. But what foul trickery was this, ahead of him saw a rival Chaos warband aligned to the forces of Oggalyn. Sorcerer Lord Barlow smiled as he saw the similarities in the armies. This would be no bother he thought, he would crush the worshippers of the false gods of Chaos. And if he could not, he would blame Louis the Sorcerous Imp for it – there had to be some use in bringing him along!!

Deployment

Sam deployed both his units of Knights (one containing the Battle Standard Bearer), his Khorne Warriors and his Slaanesh Sorcerer on the eastern flank. On the west was his Sorcerer Lord (played by a very flat disc!), the remaining Warriors, Hounds and the Shaggoth.




Louis the Sorcerous Imp accompanied the Boot Camp Warriors and deployed as close to the stone circle as they could, Dermot O'Battle Standard Bearer led the Audience Trolls, with the Knights of One Direction, Sharon the Shaggoth and Spawn Cardle holding the eastern flank. My western flank consisted of the Marauder Auditionees, Wagner the Tzeentchian Giant, Spawn Brookstein and Sorcerer Lord Barlow.



We both made a gentlemen's agreement not to snipe of our wizards for the first turn at least, but remember Tzeentch is a tricky one who can't be bargained with!!!

Turn 1

Sam won the first turn and his army advanced forwards, with the Slaanesh Sorcerer taking cover in some ruins, and the Tzeentch wizard lurking about out of sight. The only exception being the Shaggoth which Sam forgot to move!



The Winds of Magic blew reasonably strong with 7 power dice to 4. Sam's Tzeentch Lord cast Bolt of Change on Spawn Brokstein, but the power was too strong and he miscast. The Spawn was slain outright, and despite the presence of Sorcerer Lord Barlow and Dermot O' Battle Standard Bearer the horde of Marauders panicked and fled stopping just short of the table edge. Sam's Sorcerer survived the miscast, and tried to cast Infernal Gateway, but Barlow dispelled it.


Fortunately the Marauders regained their composure in Barlow's turn, rallying. The rest of the army repositioned to maintain a solid battleline. And Louis bailed out of the Chaos Warriors to move close to the circle.


In the magic phase it was 8 dice versus 5. Louis failed to cast Transmutation of Lead on the Khorne Warriors. Sorcerer Lord Barlow's attempt to cast Infernal Gateway was dispelled, but he did cast Blue Fire of Tzeentch on the Hounds. However a low roll for strength meant the Warhounds came out unscathed.

Turn 2

The turn began with Sam's Khorne Warriors failing to restrain and attempting a long charge on the Audience Trolls, but they failed to make it.


Sam's Chaos Knights charged Spawn Cardle.


The winds of magic yielded 6 dice to 4. The Slaanesh Sorcerer miscast Hysterical Frenzy on the Khorne Warriors and fell through a portal into the Realm of Chaos. Desperate to avoid a similar fate the Tzeentch Sorcerer declined to cast.

The Chaos Knights did appallingly in combat only managing a single wound on Spawn Cardle. He responded with four wounds, including his breath weapon. But the tough Chaos Armour saved them all. Given the Spawn being unbreakable the Chaos Knights were, surprisingly, bogged down in combat.

In response Sharon the Shaggoth and the Knights of One Direction charged in to rescue Spawn Cardle. Meanwhile the Marauder Auditionees charged the Warhounds. Despite dominating the stone circle, the magic phase was relatively weak, only allowing Sorcerer Lord Barlow to dispel Hysterical Frenzy.


The Marauder block dispatcheed the Hounds for two loses. Sam's Chaos Knights kill Spawn Cardle, and inflict a single wound on Sharon. One of Sam's Chaos Steeds manages to kill one of the Knights of One Direction. In response Sharon smashes four of Sam's Knights, but the Knights of One Direction fail to do any damage.



Sam's remaining Knight flees and escapes.


Turn 3

Sam responded by charging the Nurgle Chaos Knights into the Knights of One Direction, and the Nurgle Chaos Warriors into the Bootcamp Warriors.


In the magic phase the Tzeentch Sorcerer Lord cast Bolt of Change along the flank of the Trolls, rolling a 6 and two 5s (perilously close to a miscast). The Bolt of Change struck Dermot o'Battle Standard Bearer at Strength 10, but Tzeentch was smiling down and saved him with his 6+ Ward Save.

In the combat between the Knights, Sam's Nurgle Battle Standard Bearer challenged the Champion of the Knights of One Direction. The Battle Standard managed one wound on the Knight Champion, but Tzeentch again saved it with his 6+ Ward Save. In return the Champion did a wound on the Battle Standard Bearer. The Daemonic Mount returned the attack managing two wounds on the Chaos Champion, but one was saved by the Chaos Armour, and one by the Tzeentch Ward Save yet again!!

However the Knights of One Direction didn't follow the Champion's lead, inflicting no wounds on Sam's Nurgle Knights – who respond by killing two of the Knights of One Direction. However the Knights of One Direction roll a 4 for their break test, and refuse to run.


In the battle of the Chaos Warriors, the Bootcamp Warriors only manage to cause a single wound on the Nurgle Warriors due to their Mark of Nurgle. Sam's Nurgle Warriors inflict seven wounds on the Bootcamp Warriors but three are armour saved, and three ward saved! Resulting in a draw between the units.

Seizing the opportunity, the Marauder Auditionees charge the flank of the Nurgle Warriors.


And Sharon the Shaggoth charges the Nurgle Knights, the Audience Trolls would have joined in but failed their stupidity test despite the presence of Dermot O'Battle Standard Bearer.


In the magic phase Louis managed to cast Seering Doom on the Khorne Warriors doing a single wound. Barlow targeted the Shaggoth with Blue Fire of Tzeentch which was dispelled, and the Bolt of Change which inflicted two wounds.

Sam's Nurgle Warriors inflicted a combined total of three wounds on The Bootcamp Warriors and the Marauder Auditonees, in return they managed four kills. But what with the massed ranks disrupting the Nurgle Warriors and the flank charge, Sam's Warriors broke. They ran a mighty 10", but it was not enough to outpace the Bootcamp Warriors who pursued a mightier 12" straight into Sam's Shaggoth.



In the ongoing challenge between Sam's Nurgle Battle Standard Bearer and the Knights of One Direction Champion, inability was the key word the Standard Bearer inflicted one wound which was absorbed by the Knight's Chaos Armour. The Daemonic Steed and Champion both failed to wound, but the Champion's Chaos Steed rolled a 6 to hit and a 6 to wound, the Battle Standard Bearer failed to save with his armour and tumbled from his mount. All this gave the Knights of One Direction Champion a roll on the Eye of the Gods table (technically the Steed should of got it I guess!) granting him a 5+ Ward Save.



The rest of the Nurgle Knights kill the Knights of One Direction Standard, just leaving the victorious Champion. The Shaggoth and the Nurgle Knights exchange a wound each. It's closely fought but Sam's Knights break and escape pursuit.


Turn 4

Sam began his turn by charging the Tzeentch Warriors in against Wagner the Tzeentchian Giant.


The Khorne Warriors again fail to restrain and charge into the Audience Trolls. And Sam's Tzeentch Sorcerer Lord charges into Louis the Sorcering Imp, within the stone circle. With Sam's only wizard engaged in combat he was unable to cast any of his spells.

In combat Wagner the Tzeentchian Giant does a swing with club move smashing three Chaos Warriors, though one is ward saved (dam Tzeentch supporting Sam as well!). Wagner suffers eight wounds in return without making a single ward save his lifeless body falls away from combat. The Tzeentch Warriors overrun into the Marauder Auditionees.

The Bootcamp Warriors do three wounds on the Shaggoth, though one is deflected by his scaly skin. In return the Shaggoth smashed four Warriors and stomps a further three, the Bootcamp Warriors, largely depleted, just hold.


In the combat with Sam's Khorne Warriors versus Dermot O'Battle Standard Bearer and the Audience Trolls, Dermot personally slew two Chaos Warriors his Chaos Armour and Dawnstone protecting him from all return attacks. The Khorne Warriors manage two wounds on the Trolls which they fail to regenerate, but in return they kill seven Warriors sending them fleeing away from the Trolls.

In the stone circle Louis the Sorcerous Imp took a single wound from Sam's Tzeentch Lord on Disc and fled the stone circle allowing Sam's Lord to pursue into the flank of Sorcerer Lord Barlow.


At this point we were running very short of time to play the game, so with the rest of our armies unable to penetrate the stone circle or attack within it, we decided to just play the remaining turns out for our magic users. (Clearly I would have won with my regular army, after all I am amazing!).

Louis the Sorcerous Imp rallied just outside the Stone Circle and cast Transmutation of Lead on Sam's Tzeentch Sorcerer Lord reducing his combat skill. However it had no effect as neither of the Tzeentch Sorcerer Lords on Discs were able to wound each other.

Turn 5

Louis the Sorcering Imp re-enters the stone circle, but despite two rounds of combat the Sorcerer Lords' dance continues as not a single wound is exchanged!!!

Turn 6

In the first combat phase of Turn 6 no wounds are again struck, however in the second turn Sam's Tzeentch Lord finds a weakness in Sorcerer Lord Barlow's armour and inflicts a single wound, it's all too much for Sorcerer Lord Barlow who flees exiting the stone circle. However Sam's Tzeentch Sorcerer Lord excited by the victory is unable to restrain himself and pursues after Barlow catching him, but leaving Louis the Sorcerous Imp alone and in control of the stone circle!!!!


Conclusion

Well that was a comical result wasn't it?! Once Barlow broke I was sure I had lost it, but no Sam's Sorcerer Lord got carried away and left Louis, of all people, to claim the victory!! Overall I thought I played reasonably well, Sam was punished with the kind of luck I usually bring to the battlefield. But I think good movement on my part allowed me to be able to bring in supporting units when Sam's charges ran aground – particularly breaking his Chaos Knights. I felt reasonably confident that had we had time to play the full battle for the remaining turns I could have ended up dominating the battle of the regular troops.

The most interesting thing about this game was, despite its magical theming, our reluctance to cast spells. Having Sam miscast in the first two turns, on relatively low rolls, and have his Slaanesh Sorcerer disappear to the Realm of Chaos we were both rather worried about losing our wizards to similar events, and so magic was rather tamed.

Anyway first victory for the forces of Team Barlow, though it was his death that bought about the win. Odd that. Onwards to the final battle.

LOUIS, LOUIS, LOUIS!! The chants continued around the camp, the victor at the Battle of the Ogfort Stones had been elevated to a new status within the army. All the Marauder Auditionees wanted to be picked by him and were fawning for his attention. Even the Audience Trolls were cheering Louis' name, though out of time and slowly. Sorcerer Lord Barlow seethed in the corner, already the Lord of Cowell had started sending his communications through Louis rather than Barlow. The final battle for Ogfort was about to begin, and Sorcerer Lord Barlow would have vengeance on all his enemies. No matter which side they were on.

118.3 Get in Touch

Feel free to get in touch, and let me know of any rules' mistakes I've made!! Always helpful.

Remember I can be found on Twitter @ProbyNumbers where you can see my latest painting updates, and poorly worded jokes.

[roland murat]

Well done Matt - glory surely awaits