Procrastination by Numbers

[fatolaf]

Having magnetised the weapons on all my big tau and Eldar robots, I too know the pain of realising you have the poles what wrong way round despite repeated double checks...
Well worth it though once you have finished..

Having gone through a complete GW rage quit, not sure I will be painting my 40k daemons any more any time soon, but your work is always a pleasure to see buddy, so I hope you get your mojo back soon...

Nice garden of morr 

[cunningmatt]

Having magnetised the weapons on all my big tau and Eldar robots, I too know the pain of realising you have the poles what wrong way round despite repeated double checks...

I swear I checked a thousand times, it makes no sense!!

Having gone through a complete GW rage quit, not sure I will be painting my 40k daemons any more any time soon, but your work is always a pleasure to see buddy, so I hope you get your mojo back soon...

Sorry to hear about your GW quit, hope it lifts soon. My mojo is slowly coming back, after a good few months of "meh" - not just restricted to hobby I'm afraid. Hoping the campaign kicks starts my enthusiasm. I have just assembled a load of cool models this week so I think they my inspire the brushes to come out more regularly!

Nice garden of morr 

Thanks. It was delicious!

[Garzini]

nice one Matt, this has inspired me to have a go at making a (Dark) Angel Cake.

[cunningmatt]

nice one Matt, this has inspired me to have a go at making a (Dark) Angel Cake.

Delicious! Do save me a slice!

[roland murat]

nice one Matt, this has inspired me to have a go at making a (Dark) Angel Cake.

Just be careful with any sharp objects or it might become a (Blood) Angel Cake

[cunningmatt]

How about making my favourite Black Ark Forest Gateaux?!

(I'm really pleased with that one, made myself chuckle!)

[underscore]

If a Dark Angel Cake is fallen, does it become an Upside-Down cake?

[cunningmatt]

If a Dark Angel Cake is fallen, does it become an Upside-Down cake?

Doesn't it depend if it is in a forest and there's anyone around to hear it, or am I thinking of something else?

[cunningmatt]

Procrastination by Numbers: Update 111 – The March of Tzeentch Monday 18th November 2013



111.1 Campaigning for Ogfort

Getting over all the excitement of the sheer number of '1's in the above sub heading, this edition I am primarily talking about the new campaign I am joining at the marvellous OG Games club – you should see their new Christmas advert it blows the socks off the John Lewis one.

For those of you haven't seen the campaign being organised by Pip – many thanks to you sir, then I have shamelessly plagiarised the opening fluff here to get you in the mood.

King Ogbert is dead.

His people disagree on what killed him. Some say old age, some say a dish of spoiled meat at his birthday banquet. One thing on which the king's five closest advisers all agree is that the five stab-wounds in his back had nothing to do with his death. "He was like that when we got here," said the Grand Vizier.

Now the border princedom of Ogfort awaits the coronation of Ogbert's son, Ogfried the Simple. A feeble-witted boy of six years, Ogfried's reign is anticipated to be long and prosperous - after all, his father's privy council stand ready to assist and advise the young king.

However, from over the Worlds' Edge Mountains a new threat arises. Ogbert's illegitimate daughter, Oggalyn the Dread, has returned from exile to claim her father's throne. She marches at the head of a mercenary army, stitched together from the bloodiest warlords of the Dark Lands. By the laws of Ogfort, the domain belongs to her half-brother - but law has never meant much in the Border Princes.

Now mercenaries of all stripes flock to the region, in anticipation of the war to come. Unknown to many of them, Ogfort castle is built on the site of a ring of elven waystones. Whoever controls it controls the flow of magic in the region - and so the stage is set for war on a scale the inhabitants of Ogfort have never yet seen.

Who will claim the crown of Ogfort? The answer is up to you.

Certainly more gripping than the plot line to tonight's Coronation Street, which I've included below for reference:

Leanne's hopes for normality start to fade. Will Brian let a nervous and hopeful Julie down? Mary becomes a source of amusement for Grace and Faye.

See told you.

You can read more about the background to our campaign, including the other competitors' takes on it here:

http://ogforum.co.uk/index.php?topic=3653.0

And you can read more about tonight's episode of Coronation Street in a series of trashy magazines that mean you don't need to actually watch the episode.

Anyway after much negotiating and fighting within the ranks I managed to secure a place on Team Ogfried, and using my preferred army choice of Warriors of Chaos. Nothing to do with the bandwagon of throwing hundreds of chariots and Bloodcrushers at the enemy – I have none of either of these model in my army! But simply because I am in a Warriors mood, the Beastmen are licking their wounds from the last campaign where they got chopped up more finely than braver men than me have alleged documents at the News of the World have been. The High Elves are an obvious choice but just aren't really floating my floating-sky-chariotshaped boat at the moment. I am sure they will return shortly!

So I've dusted down the Warriors of Chaos, literally, just ask Tom C! For those of you unfamiliar with my Warriors army it's an entirely Tzeentch affair, as he's my favourite Chaos god by far, tactically it's an appalling decision, but thematically I approve. I love Tzeentch master of change, deceit and magic. In some ways his personality reminds me of my favourite Star Trek aliens the Romulans (If you're playing the geek drinking game – you've probably had liver failure at this point), there's a brilliant line from Star Trek: The Next Generation where Captain Picard says "It's always a game of chess with the Romulans" referring to their strategy, bluffing and counter bluffing. I imagine that the same is true of Tzeentch, though obviously none of this subtlety will be evident in my game playing as instead I will charge in foolhardily and die. But still I can imagine in my head its all part of a greater plan.

Anywho part of the joy of the campaign is the opportunity to come up with some bonkers fluff, which I have finally got round to doing. So without further ado here's Tzeentch's reasoning for throwing his lot in with team Ogfried, though being Tzeentch you can never be sure...

Sorcerer Lord Barlow was pleased with himself; his recent trickery had confused the Old World. His reputation as the Terror of the Erengrad was lost; he had bought the Empire music, magical music of a kind never seen before. And the fools thought he had done it as a gift for their children, little did they know it would cost them. As they matured they would mutate into bears and lose their right eye. But in the meantime Sorcerer Lord Barlow had been hailed a hero, his mutation of well-chauffeured hair had been overlooked, and one of the Empire's foremost guides had shown him the passage through the World's Edge Mountain's to Ogfort. Sorcerer Lord Barlow was unsure why Tzeentch required this information, but he was sure his master would be pleased that he had achieved it, and spread deception throughout the "so-called civilized" realms of man.

However Sorcerer Lord Barlow would not have to ponder the meaning of his master's plans for long, for that night, whilst camped amongst his men he was consumed by a vision. Instantly he recognised who mighty Tzeentch had sent to communicate with him, one of the most powerful Lords of Change, the Lord of Cowell. His familiar avian face, high-wasted feathered trousers and the swirling clouds of smoke, which would choke his unborn children, were unmistakable.

The Lord of Cowell spoke, his razor-sharp tongue coming dangerously close to slicing through Barlow's face. He bought important news, their bitter rival King Bruce Ogbert was finally dead, his unnaturally long life span finally bought to an end. Apparently the King was telling his maid that it was nice to see her, when he waited so long for a reply that he finally shuffled off his mortal coil. The Lord of Cowell was insistent that Sorcerer Lord Barlow take advantage of this good fortune and lead his army to Ogfort. Many other powers were gathering to take the fabled magic artefact of King Bruce's Joke Book, truly the oldest artefact in the entire world it was said to contain the humour of the Old Ones. The Lord of Cowell insisted that Barlow used his forces to support Ogfried. Barlow stood confused, asking the Lord of Cowell why he should support King Bruce Ogbert's own son. But the Lord of Cowell explained, Ogfried was known as Ogfried the Simple, and for good reason. Ogfried was a fool, and the Lord of Cowell needed as many fools in places of power as possible to use his Premium Rate Summoning Line, and give him the power he needed to control the Old World. However he explained to Barlow he must act quickly for King Bruce Ogbert's Daughter, Oggalyn Daley also marched to take the throne accompanied by her pixie-like maid Claudia Winkleelf. Should Oggalyn Daley take the throne the inhabitants of Ogfort would be transfixed by her mesmerising tournaments of dance and they would no longer have need of his Premium Rate Summoning Line. 

Sorcerer Lord Barlow pleaded for the Lord of Cowell to accompany him on his mission, but the fickle Lord of Change refused. He had battles to win in foreign lands, it was up to Barlow alone to complete this mission. And at the moment the vision ended, Barlow knew exactly what he had to do. He yelled his battle cry and jumped aboard his trusty pet Disc of Tzeentch, Robbie. They both flew off towards Ogfort at the head of a mighty army of Tzeentch. Barlow knew he could not afford to fail the Lord of Cowell. His troops would seize Ogfort, or die trying, or perhaps go to Deadlock and get the people of Ogfort to decide their own fate. He couldn't be sure.[/color=teal]

111.2 Sorcerer Lord Barlow's Army List

Well with Sorcerer Lord Barlow's plan clear (ish). He's going to need an army, so here goes. In this campaign we've selected a 3,600 point master army (still not enough points, there's never enough points), from which in each battle I'll select a smaller force. Until one final epic master battle, where I'll need to cram all my models into a case far too small and break half of them. Anyway here we go.

Lords



Sorcerer Lord Barlow

Sorcerer Lord Barlow, known as the Terror of Erengrad, largely due to his solo wizard career. Known to shout "take that" at his enemies as they are engulfed by the flickering flames of Tzeentch. He is sworn to his master Tzeentch, and his chief general The Lord of Cowell. His skin has become thick and gnarly from the abuse he suffered from those recruits he would not allow into his army. But he is resolutely stubborn, refusing to change his mind on which recruits to send home. He rides Robbie his "Disc of Tzeentch" often it was said that Robbie carried Sorcerer Lord Barlow into battle, but wise scholars have said that now it is the other way round and it's Barlow who carries Robbie.

Chaos Sorcerer Lord (Lore of Tzeentch) Level 4 Magic, with Mark of Tzeentch, riding Disc of Tzeentch. He has the Talisman of Preservation, Crown of Command and Scaled Skin, and wears Chaos Armour. (405 points) Yes I realised it was really stupid to give the Crown of Command to an independent character and not use its effects on a unit, but where were you telling me this when I was writing the army? Hmmmm Hmmmm Hmmm.



Daemon Prince Scherzinger

The shrieking form of the Daemon Prince of Scherzinger, is the most powerful of the evil cabal of !@%$#%@ Cat Daemon Princes that Tzeentch launched upon the world. Assailants are often fooled by the charm of her shield, before she drains their soul into her own body. She is said to possess a third eye which sheds tears when she's pretending to care for those in her charge.

Daemon Prince (Lore of Tzeentch) Level 2 Magic, with Mark of Tzeentch and Daemonic Flight. He has Daemon Blade, Soul Feeder, Chaos Armour, Third Eye of Tzeentch and Charmed Shield. (455 points)

Heroes



Louis the Sorcerous Imp

Louis the Sorcerous Imp, is part Sorcerer part familiar. He scampers around the army, mainly speaking gibberish interspersed with his infamous incantation "Westlife" which is known to distract enemy wizards mid-spell cast. No one really understands why the Lord of Cowell allows him to serve the almighty Tzeentch. Many suspect, though none would say publically, that the Lord of Cowell keeps him around in order that Louis's mistakes make the Lord look good in comparison.

Chaos Sorcerer (Lore of Metal) Level 2 Magic, with Mark of Tzeentch. He has a Dispel Scroll and wears Chaos Armour. (185 points)



Dermot O'Battle Standard Bearer

Dermot O'Battle Standard Bearer or Dermot O'BSB to his friends, carries Barlow's army standard into battle. He uses his authority to try to bring order to the meetings between Barlow and his subordinates. He is known to amuse Barlow with his amateur attempts at dancing, and can often be heard uttering his warning "Do not use the Summoning Line until it has opened or you may still be charged".

Exalted Hero bearing the Battle Standard, with Mark of Tzeentch and wearing Chaos Armour. He has a Great Weapon, Helm of Many Eyes and the Dawnstone. (201 points)

Core



Marauder Auditionees

Every year thousands flock to Barlow's banner in the hope of joining his army. This veritable hoard of screaming wannabes literally follow the Sorcerer Lord everywhere he goes. They live in the hope that they will get just a moment of Barlow's attention, in order to prove their worth. Completely unaware that should they get selected to be in Barlow's army they will almost certainly meet a more horrible fate than mere failure.

40 Chaos Marauders with Mark of Tzeentch and full command. They are armed with hand weapons and shields. (390 points)



Bootcamp Warriors

Those Marauder Auditionees that manage to win the affections of Sorcerer Lord Barlow, are immediately rewarded and given a glistening suit of Chaos Armour that blinds them to the reality of their situation. They are enrolled in Barlow's very own boot camp where they are tested further, in the hope to join Barlow's most elite Warriors. Many of them will not succeed, but as a patron of the cruel Tzeentch, Barlow enjoys telling them of their failure in comically soul destroying reasons.

15 Chaos Warriors with Mark of Tzeentch and full command. They are armed with hand weapons and shields, and wear Chaos Armour. (285 points)



The Dogs of Tulisa

The Dogs of Tulisa were once favoured and allowed to sit at the table of Barlow. However the hideous smell, said to be of volcanic ash, and the dirty and bestial acts the dogs of Tulisa were seen to get up to, disgusted Barlow. He had them removed from his table, but the Dogs of Tulisa follow the army around howling in pain, in the hope that one day they may re-join Barlow again.

5 Chaos Warhounds. (30 points)



John's Marauder Horsemen

Every year there are those who flock to Sorcerer Lord Barlow's banner who are eccentric, untalented outsiders. One would expect them to be ostracised from the camp, but Louis the Sorcerous Imp takes pity upon them, and gives them a place within the army. Known for their outlandish hairstyles and exhausting stupidity John's Marauder Horsemen are always asked to ride at the head of the army in the vein hope they may killed by the enemy.

5 Marauder Horsemen with Mark of Tzeentch and full command. They are armed with spears and ride warhorses. (115 points)



Edward's Marauder Horsemen

Edward's Marauder Horsemen are the twins of John's Marauder Horsemen. Equally foolish and with identical mental hair, it is said even Louis the Sorcerous Imp cannot tell them apart.

5 Marauder Horsemen with Mark of Tzeentch and full command. They are armed with flails and ride warhorses. (120 points)

Special



The Knights of One Direction

The Knights of One Direction are known as such, because it is said that they only ever advance upon their enemies, never falling back, never retreating. They are known around the world, and all look upon them scream. Sorcerer Lord Barlow demanded they wear helmets so their foppish and every so trendy hairstyles didn't overshadow his own. They bear a mighty magic banner with them, which is said to deflect the vast amount of women's underwear, which for unknown reasons, is thrown at them wherever they appear.

5 Chaos Knights with Mark of Tzeentch and full command. They are armed with Ensorcelled Weapons, wear Chaos Armour and ride barded Chaos Steeds. They bear the Blasted Standard. (280 points)



Audience Trolls

The Audience Trolls are the most stupid beasts in all the land. Sorcerer Lord Barlow has managed to bind them to his will by showing them a simple contest every week. The stupid Audience Trolls stare obediently at the contest unaware that every week they are shown the same contest and that most of it is staged.

4 Chaos Trolls with extra hand weapons. (152 points)



Chosen of the Judge's Houses

Amongst the Bootcamp Warriors only the strongest fighters, or those with an emotionally troubled upbringing, are elevated to the hallowed status of the Chosen of the Judge's Houses. They and they alone have been allowed into Sorcerer Lord Barlow's personal domain. There it is said that the Chosen weep all over Barlow's furniture as he selects his favoured few to follow him to the hallowed land, known only by its strange and unfamiliar name of "The Live Shows".

10 Chosen with Mark of Tzeentch and full command. They are armed with halberds and wear Chaos Armour. (260 points)



The Unnecessarily Over-staged Chaos Warshrine

Atop the Unnecessarily Over-staged Chaos Warshrine, stands the Slaughtermaster, a servant personally chosen by Sorcerer Lord Barlow to kill any enemy that his army captures and dedicate his soul to Tzeentch. Barlow has often wondered why the slaughter needs to be done on such an over the top shrine surrounded by flames and pyrotechnic devices when it could just as easily be done on foot at the back of the army.

Chaos Warshrine with Mark of Tzeentch. (135 points)

Rare



Shaggoth Osbourne

Shaggoth Osbourne is said to be a fearsome beast of almost immeasurable age. Though due to a pact with the dark gods her skin shows no wrinkles. She is as rage-ridden as she is mad, and her locks of fiery red hair match her temper. She has a fond spot for Louis the Sorcerous Imp though has been to known to throw him in the river when she tires of him. It is said that as mad as Shaggoth Osbourne is, she is only half as violent as her mate. And that should Shaggoth Osbourne be exposed to the blinding lightning of the fabled Minogue she will descend into an uncontrollable frenzy and kill all before her.

Dragon Ogre Shaggoth with Great Weapon. (227 points)



Spawn Brookstein

Brookstein was once one of Sorcerer Lord Barlow's most trusted lieutenants, claiming the title of Champion of Tzeentch against all other rivals. However despite his aptitude the Lord of Cowell despised him and cursed him into being a spawn. He now lumbers around alongside Barlow's army and occasionally appearing in panto. It is said if you look into his eyes you can see his sorrow at ever having dealings with the Lord of Cowell.

Chaos Spawn with Mark of Tzeentch. (70 points)



Spawn Cardle

The Lord of Cowell's fickle disposition means that many of his lieutenants have met his wrath, cursed to have the prizes, once heaped upon them, taken away. Spawn Cardle was another such an example of the Lord of Cowell's reputation, despite being reasonably successful the Lord of Cowell randomly chose to have him banished. A warning to others that he can turn at any moment.

Chaos Spawn with Mark of Tzeentch. (70 points)



Wagner the Tzeentchian Giant

Wagner the Tzeentchian Giant was invited into the army by none other than Louis the Sorcerous Imp for reasons unknown. None know why he continues to accompany the army or what talent he brings, but he seems to amuse the Audience Trolls, so he is allowed to stay despite murdering whatever he touches.

Chaos Giant with Mark of Tzeentch. (215 points)

111.3 Preparing for Battle

So there we go there's my Warriors of Tzeentch army ready to do battle, and probably die. But what can you do. The astute amongst you (actually probably not even just the astute), will have noticed my Chaos Warshrine currently looks decidedly box-shaped and unbuilt (after of course noticing I have the mind of a deranged man). Yes, I have noticed this too. I am hoping to use this campaign as incentive to get it painted up. Whilst I have quite a few Warriors to paint up, I felt it would be best to choose something that wasn't likely to be completely integral to my battle plan – just in case I didn't manage to paint it up that quickly. It probably wouldn't be a brilliant idea if I had built my army around a large number of unpainted core models for example!!

Hopefully in my next edition of this exciting blog I can show you my progress on the Warshrine,... hopefully.

Tonight, this very night, sees my first battle as the Warriors take on Ed's Empire forces. So think of me whilst you are watching Coronation Street. And I'll let you know how I get on next time.

111.4 Get in Touch

Remember as always I'd love to hear your thoughts so do get in touch. And as always you can follow me on Twitter @ProbyNumbers where this week I've mainly been moaning about losing bits from my Warshrine kit. It literally is gripping stuff.

Until Edition 112...

[roland murat]

Great work Matt -gave me a good reason for a chuckle (other than looking like some kind of loon)