Procrastination by Numbers

[roland murat]

I would read the article on the beeb, however, I can't be bothered. Oh well.

[DarkStalker]

I would read the article on the beeb, however, I can't be bothered. Oh well.

Yeah I'm definitely going to read it, not right now tho........   

[cunningmatt]

I would read the article on the beeb, however, I can't be bothered. Oh well.

I think this is the general reaction to my blog that people experience!

[cunningmatt]

Update 81 – Wednesday 12th September: The First Night at the Proms (subtitle: A Probably Unwelcome Attempt to Bring Culture to this Forum).



I am a slut, I am. I've betrayed you. I have. I've been blogging to other people behind your back. I'm sorry but I had to say it. The secret was killing me. I hope you can forgive me and we can move on. Ok so you want to know the sordid details of my betrayal before you judge, well read on...

The other week a link appeared in my Twitter feed (look at me modern technology – down with the kids), from The Royal Albert Hall inviting bloggers who'd never been to the BBC Proms to win free tickets to the event simply by blogging about the experience. To be honest I wasn't really sure about whether I was that bothered about the Proms, but knowing that I communicate far better through blogging than actually talking to real human beings I thought why not give it a go. The entry conditions were so simple, that even a lazy a**e like me who keeps putting off blogging, actually managed to get round to doing it. All I had to do was send two lines on why I should go to the Proms and an article I'd previously written. So I e-mailed with a line basically saying "I don't think the Proms are for me", and my article on how awful it is being single at a wedding. See Update 10.

Don't laugh, I've even got to be a best man this year. 

Reasoning I'd almost certainly scared off the organisers, I was surprised as you to find out that I'd actually won. Yes I had to go to the Proms and review one of their performances for the Royal Albert Hall website. Like a proper journalist(ish). In fact my blog was so popular with the massive Royal Albert Hall community, that I've got a whole two likes and no comments. So there you go my new bloggees don't love me so I've come crawling back. But if you want to laugh in the non-event of my new found blogger fame-dom, then check out this link:

http://life.royalalberthall.com/2012/09/prom-69-review/



Or alternatively, you may want to read the full uncut, director's edition of my blog (apparently my submission was too long – really? Me blog for too long?), then read on. Enjoy...

My name is Matt and I'm a Prom Virgin. If from that sentence your first thought is that this is a diary of an 18-year old American girl, trying to get off with a guy called Chad at the end of school dance, then I'm afraid you've got the wrong idea. I am of course referring to having never been to the celebration of classical music that is the annual BBC Proms.

I'm not really sure why I haven't been to the Proms before, I guess I've just never thought they'd be for me. I imagine the Proms is a bit like Opera, but with less Viking horns, less people singing about wanting Cornettos, and no one who looks like they're going to try and persuade me to Go Compare my car insurance. And without wishing to be rude, I always imagine that people who go to the Proms are quite posh, called Giles, wear burgundy cardigans and watch The Antiques Roadshow. And despite having a slightly unnatural love of all things Fiona Bruce, I've never really seen myself falling into that category. However having recently surprised myself about how enthusiastic a Union Flag waiver I can be at the Olympics, I thought why not see if I can carry on my nationalistic arm flapping at the Proms. This is where we come to our first snag, Union Flag waving only occurs at The Last Night of the Proms. Turn up any other night doing that, and whilst I'm sure you may not get turned away you will look like an over enthusiastic member of the BNP. I clearly had a lot to learn, so it was time to head to the Royal Albert Hall and see what the Proms were really like.



I was worried that turning up to my first Prom would make me feel a bit like a fish out of water. I'm the kind of person who if invited to a posh do, feels distinctly awkward. It's as if my invitation was an accident and I spend the entire event panicking that I will break something expensive. The good news on this front is that there is no dress code for the Proms, the majority of the audience was on the smart side of casual, and I certainly didn't stick out like a sore thumb in t-shirt and jeans. Saying that you can go too casual. If you are lucky enough to own your very own fluorescent lime green mankini, the Proms may not be the night for it. The other reassuring sign, about the level of class allowed in, was that on entering the Royal Albert Hall I found they actually sold those large bags of Cadbury's Giant Chocolate Buttons at the kiosk – a tiny part of me had worried it would be pheasant and truffles all the way!!



Even the most architecturally snobby person, can't fail to be impressed by the interior of the Royal Albert Hall, I have been before, but the grand roof and impressive stage still take your breath away. There's a variety of seating options from high up in the rafters, where you need binoculars to see what's going on, all the way down to the excellent stall seats (where I was lucky enough to be sat) through to possibly the politest mosh pit in the world. Yes standing tickets are available for the Proms, though if you are worried I think it's unlikely any of the orchestra are likely to be crowd surfing anytime soon! And the good news with standing room tickets is that you won't be alone if you choose to sit or even lie down during the Prom, though there were a large number of audience members who commendably manage the herculean task of standing through the whole event.



Culture experience or no culture experience, I certainly couldn't have managed that. A word of warning here if you are lucky enough to be sat in the stalls, be cautious that the chairs do revolve slightly to let people get past you. I didn't realise this, and nearly had as Miranda-esque moment as I span off into a nearby Prom couple enjoying their ice creams.

The concert I'd been asked to review was Concert No. 69 (no s!@%$#%@ing at the back please), entitled "Leipzig Gewandhaus Orchestra – Messian & Mahler". Call me a cultural philistine, but I'll be honest I had no idea what any of that meant. I know!! What can I say; I was clearly off the day we did that at school. Saying that, it may well be worth doing a little bit of research prior to your visit to the Proms if you are a novice. Unless you're happy to stump up for a programme there isn't any information on what you are actually hearing. In fact bar an announcement regarding turning off mobile phones, nothing in the performance was actually spoken, which is a slightly odd experience in itself. We can only hope Jim Davidson decides to bring this format to his act sooner rather than later. I found that simply checking the BBC Radio 3 listings for the Proms, gave me a good enough brief guide to what I was going to be hearing. So if nothing else I'd suggest you head there. Obviously in the real world you may have had some input into choosing which Prom you go to, rather than having a random set of tickets land in your hand (like I did), but if a friend does take you along for example, I'd recommend taking five minute trip of Google to keep yourself informed (that five minutes doesn't include time spent procrastinating and internet shopping, whilst your meant to be looking!).

If like me, your experience to date of live musical performances consists of watching odd episodes of The X Factor and an unloved VHS of the Spice Girls 1997 tour that you're not quite sure why you own, then one of the striking things about the Proms is it isn't a visual experience. Don't get me wrong the sight of a full orchestra on the stage of Royal Albert Hall is certainly an impressive sight.  But once you've taken that in there's no other on stage movement really, there's certainly no dancing troupes and no epileptic-inducing pyrotechnic displays. Though it definitely was amusing to see one member of the orchestra produce a large mallet to sound one of the notes (I am not sure I was supposed to find that funny)! But whilst your eyes may not feel that taxed, your ears will be treated to a full audial spectacle. The music is amazing, and sounds brilliant in the domed hall. In fact you could be forgiven for just closing your eyes and allowing the music to wash over you, it's evocative nature taking your imagination to any number of places. Though I am not totally convinced that, that's the reason some of the more elderly Prom goers had their eyes closed!

Concert 69, performed by the Leipzig Gewandhaus Orchestra, consisted of an initial 31 minute performance of Messiaen's 1964 memorial to the dead of the two world wars – an understandably somber piece. This was followed by an interval and then an 85 minute performance of Mahler's Sixth Symphony, a rousing piece of music (yes I did look this up, I am not that cultured). Each of these performances, is interspersed with a number of tiny breaks, where I wasn't quite sure if you were supposed to clap or not. I felt I should, but wanted to wait for someone else to start instead – perhaps everyone in the hall was in fact waiting for someone else to start, and the orchestra just thought we were a really rude audience!! Either way these short breaks, are noticeably used for a good cough as everyone finally succumbs to that irresistible urge that annoyingly occurred about one second into the performance, where they desperately needed to cough up the contents of their throat. It sounds a bit like being in a hall of people trying to perform the world's largest synchronized sickie phone-in to the office. As a newbie I'd be prepared for this, as it can be unintentionally funny, to the unwarned.



So after an evening of Prom-ing (is that even a word?), what did I think? Well visiting the Proms is definitely a great spectacle and an experience worth seeing and hearing at least once in your life. The musical performances are absolutely amazing. I was pleasantly surprised that the event didn't feel as aloof as I'd perhaps unfairly expected. Personally, however, I think that this specific Prom possibly wasn't the most accessible for a complete newcomer and to be honest the 85 minute second piece was a little too long for my tastes, interests and comfort of my bottom (Just a cultural note – I do appreciate that, that was the length of the piece and it can't be abridged for the convenience of my posterior!). That said, I do think that choosing your first Prom appropriately is important. Perhaps using the guidance of a friend who knows more about it, or even starting with one of the more themed Proms, I believe would certainly lead to a good fun night out for a newcomer, and potentially engross you into the whole experience. I certainly think you have nothing to lose by giving it a go, and if they'll let me in the Royal Albert Hall they certainly won't throw you out for looking out of place. Who knows before long you could be attending every Prom in the next season, just promise me that you won't eat too many of those Giant Chocolate Buttons!

[Toast]

Wow!  I actually went to the Proms to hear Mahler's 7th Symphony.  The 6th is well known for being an emotionally turbulent piece, with a finale that is unrelentingly tragic .  Perfect for you, I would have thought Matt.  Good to see your comments and that you weren't put off the idea of going again.

N.B. Clapping in between movements is a coarse Americanism that must be suppressed.  As is totally uncomped Warhammer tournaments.  See, how easily I bridged that divide?  How much respect I have just earnt back...  Well that presumes I had any to begin with, but really self-deprecation is done much better by someone else around here.

whisper *try listening to Radio 3 occasionally*  Don't listen to Classic FM, it really is for loooosers 

[cunningmatt]

The 6th is well known for being an emotionally turbulent piece, with a finale that is unrelentingly tragic .  Perfect for you, I would have thought Matt.

Cheers for that Andrew much appreciated! How is the job at the Samaritans going?

whisper *try listening to Radio 3 occasionally*  Don't listen to Classic FM, it really is for loooosers 

Sorry Radio 2 all the way for me! 

[cunningmatt]

Update 82 – Thursday 20th September: Olympic Memories

Ok so I am probably the last person on the planet to write about their experiences of London 2012, in fact I've left it so late there are probably more people now writing about their experiences of Rio 2016, than London 2012. But hopefully you'll consider my musings not to be late, but simply to represent the first person to be reflecting on them from a whimsical distance (well I thought that excuse sounded good, anyway).

Regular readers of this blog may suspect that being the miserable old git that I am, I probably spent the months in the run up to the Olympic Games moaning about the cost, the corporate sponsorship, the expected travel Armageddon and the fact I was going to have Polaris missiles installed on my roof. I mean surely no cost can be too great for the construction of the largest McDonalds in the world? However ye of little faith, nothing could be further from the truth. Of course I wasn't happy, I was fretting, but I wasn't fretting about the potential Olympic disaster, instead I was fretting that I wouldn't get fully involved in this once in a lifetime event. As a resident of the host city of the greatest sporting event, I was worried a combination of lethargy, busy-ness at work and generally being useless at occasions of national excitement would result in me spending the entire Olympic and Paralympic month stuck at home playing Mario Kart.

Admittedly I had an Olympic wobble, my initial failing to get tickets in the ballot combined with seeing this depressing screen on my computer for longer than I care to think about:



All led me to wondering whether I was going to go at all. And was it me or was the Olympic ticketing website a lot like a dating website. You sat there sending off your initial message full of hope, only to get a depressing rejection an hour later. I suppose at least rejection was relatively swift.

However after a bit of luck on the ticketing website, combined with other people grabbing me tickets when they were lucky. I soon became an Olympic ticket whore, with tickets and travelcards (never underestimate the excitement of a zone 9 travelcard) to five events across the Olympic/Paralympic events.



Yep sorry if you didn't get any tickets, it was me I stole them all! Hahaha!! I should at this point thank those people who managed to sort me tickets to the events, I'd name them all but they'd probably be annoyed if I associated them with this tragic blog so for their own piece of mind they can remain anonymous.

So to tell you all about my Olympic and Paralympic experiences I'll give you a quick montage-esque tour through the events I attended – you may wish to go and put a Heather Small CD on for added effect.  Apologies in advance for my poor photography, but hey if you've seen any of the Paralympics on Channel 4 you'll already know it won't be the worst coverage you'll see. Yes I won't be dipping out at a key moment to tell you how BT are paying for all this, or for David Beckham to give you an inspirational message.

Which all reminds I did hear a very funny joke about the Olympics, which I simply must tell you. The French Olympic team walked into the Aquatics Centre when...



Sainsbury's sponsors Olympic and Paralympic Ranting only on DraMattics.

...and it turned out she was a monk in red swimming goggles! Hahahaha. Brilliant joke I'm sure you'll agree.

My first Olympic visit was to the Riverbank Stadium for the Hockey, this of course meant my first visit to the Olympic Park...



...my first glimpse of the Orbit in real life...



...and my first opportunity to ignore London Underground's lie that it was best to get off at West Ham and walk. It wasn't, there was virtually no queue at Stratford you liars!

With that sorted I took up my seats in my first ever sporting event. The first thing you can't fail to notice on entering the Riverbank stadium is the colour, the bright blue and pink pitch.



In fact the Olympic announcers took great pride in announcing how this was the world's only hockey stadium painted this colour, neatly sidestepping the obvious fact that only a moron would paint a hockey stadium these hideous colours. The second thing you'll notice is that the Riverbank Stadium has absolutely no shelter against the elements.



This becomes even more evident during rain. Literally the second our first match (South Korea vs India) kicked off, the heavens opened and the rain started bucketing down. In fact at that moment the entire crowd wasn't watching the match as they were unpacking raincoats and umbrellas, for all anyone knows Nicholas Parsons could have run on the pitch stark bollock naked and made love to a scale model of the Hubble Space Telescope. We wouldn't know, we were getting our coats. It was at this miserable moment, when I wondered if I'd actually like sport. With the rain pouring over my body, a damp arse and a sodden, downtrodden Team GB flag I was forced to conclude I'd been right for the last thirty years, watching sport was crap.

But then I had a change of heart, the sun came out, two arguably better teams (sorry South Korea and India) came on to the pitch – Germany and The Netherlands, and a contingent of Dutch fans bedecked in their Easyjet livery entered the stadium. In the bright sunshine, the game came to life, I was with the crowd cheering every goal and amazing pass, aahhing at every missed opportunity and making that odd "ooo" noise whenever someone got smashed in the face with a hockey stick. Which was surprisingly often! Also I spent a lot of time laughing every time the German player Muller took a corner. A Muller Corner get it? Ahhh it's still funny now.

And with that I realised, the Olympics was for me. Whilst the Olympic Opening Ceremony convinced me that the Olympics were worth tuning in for (the BBC kindly providing Trevor Nelson as a vessel for the nation to offload its collective cynicism into), the Germany-Netherlands hockey match convinced me that I didn't need to be wearing a groove into my sofa to enjoy the Olympics.

There was even time for a traditional moronic photo with an Olympic medal outside the stadium.



Just to clarify I hadn't actually won a medal, despite me being odds on for the miserable blog writing event. On the plus side I was only the second most idiotic looking person in this photo.



My second Olympic visit was a trip to Eton Dorney, for the rowing, Britain had been dominating the medals here – but sadly they weren't competing in any of the events that day! I arrived at a Windsor & Eton Riverside Railway station to be greeted by a horde of happy smiling volunteers ready to guide me onto the shuttle buses, and then from these to the stadium.



The volunteers have to be one of the big success stories of the 2012 games happily guiding us to our seats, asking us for a cheery wave and just generally being nice. The irony of course, is that if we'd applied for paid staff they'd have almost certainly been nowhere near as good. Personally I'd like to keep the Olympic volunteers on a more permanent basis. I could do with a pink or purple clad enthusiastic person, reminding me what I've got to do today or pointing at my house keys with a giant pink inflatable hand when I can't find them.

You will undoubtedly have seen the impressive stadium at Eton Dorney on the television. I wasn't there, I was in the cheap seats – well I say seats, it was standing in a field. But it was referred to as the Meadow because that sounds a lot more pleasant and less like it will be full of cow pats.



With the sunshine out and the Olympic bug well and truly caught I didn't mind, as I happily cheered home the Hungarians to several Gold medals, who knew they were rowing experts?! And despite the American commentator's rather annoying voice, my day 2 at the Olympics was a success.



My final visit to the Olympic Games was to see the final games of the Men's Water Polo match. Before you make any comments about me going to see a sports event with scantily clad men, have a word with yourself and discuss whether you think this is appropriate behaviour befitting the Olympic spirit. Also bear in mind my seats were very far away, so you couldn't really see anything anyway!



The event started with a very tense Bronze medal match in which Serbia and Montenegro fought it out for the former Yugoslavian CD collection that was still unclaimed! The match was a real tense fight, with a number of fouls – the Serbian coach and assistant coach were banned from the poolside!! And came down to the final seconds as Montenegro scored their critical equaliser a fraction of a section too late, after the whistle went. Proving that sport is not written anything like a good film, the final match was comparatively dull with the result much more one sided and all sorted before we got anywhere near the final whistle.



After this it was time for the medal ceremony, at this point I have to say I did find it quite rude the number of spectators who weren't prepared to wait around for the medal ceremony. This seemed quite lazy, particularly as it was only 4pm – and it was pretty much the last event happening so it wasn't like people had anywhere to be! A special place in hell surely has to be reserved for those who decided the most appropriate time to leave was during the winner's national anthem! Of all times!

Obviously I say all this, but in fairness I did feel a little bit of clapping fatigue set in, as I hadn't realised the Men's Water Polo event would need the presentation of 39 medals and 39 bunches of flowers as each of the thirteen strong teams were rewarded. Maybe I should have left early!!



With the Olympics done it was time for the Paralympics. Clearly the Paralympics are an amazing thing, but in some ways it does feel like it goes against the Olympic and Paralympic spirit to say that these people can compete, but a few weeks later when the main event has finished. Surely the mark of equality for disability would be if the Paralympic events were hosted alongside the Olympic events without any distinction. I realise it may not be possible at present for them to compete together, but it does feel a bit odd to separate them in this way. In fairness I do realise that the Paralympic event is a relatively new in the Olympic schedule, and perhaps in the Olympiads to come we will see this join occur. As at present there's awful, awkward feeling that because of the smaller number of competitors, lacking international intention (yes America we are looking at you) and shorter schedule, the Paralympics is sort of an afterthought for the Olympics. It's like having a really amazing party and then announcing two weeks later you're going to have a not quite so big party – feels a little of a let-down. But as I say I think the Paralympics themselves are great, and the Paralympians are amazing, I just find this disjoint between them and the Olympics uncomfortable.

All that said the Paralympics, represented another opportunity for national excitement, more tickets for people who couldn't get Olympic ones, and some great sport.



First up I finally made it into the main Olympic stadium to see the athletics; the only downside with the athletics is there's often so many events going on at once it's hard to concentrate on what's going on! Fortunately the stadium announcers were excellent in guiding us through the action. And if you thought it was difficult to tell if athletes had managed a good long/triple jump on the telly (as you try and work out where that depression in the sand ends), it's a lot harder in the stadium from about three-hundred metres distant at an awkward angle!!



It was at this point that I remembered how bloody annoying Mexican Waves are, I mean seriously want is the point? I found a lot of the time spectators were more concerned in joining in with the Mexican Wave than actually watching the sport – surely it would be a lot cheaper to stand up for a few seconds at home, rather than paying a not inconsiderable amount of money to do it in the Olympic Park? Secondly at an event where a large amount of the athletes are confined to wheelchairs, isn't synchronised standing-up a tad insensitive? We wouldn't let visits to the Job Centre become a spectator's sport, with people waving their job contracts around – that would be wrong. Plus Mexican Waves represent the kind of communal camaraderie I've come to despise over the years. That said I had an amazing time in the stadium!

My final Paralympic event was at the North Greenwich Arena, which looked suspiciously like the O2, for the women's Wheelchair Basketball Final.



The Wheelchair Basketball was great, even if I did want to shoot the warm up man on many occasions. I think the real telling sign of the power of the Paralympics was shown to me here, as I found myself completely forgetting these people are disabled. It might sound an awful thing to say, but when you see a disabled person it can be hard to think past their disability. Whereas here, I was completely swept away in the amazing skills shown, such that when the commentator pointed out the disability of one of the substitutes I realised I'd completely forgotten that the participants in this event weren't fully able-bodied. And surely that's the greatest achievement that the Paralympics can make.


On that important realisation, the final event at my Olympics and Paralympics were over, no more would I be swept away by the majesty of the sporting event, no longer would I be hanging on Claire Balding's every word, no longer would I be refreshing the webpage with the medal table. Instead I have now returned myself to the right and correct status of despising all sport and everything it stands for. I consider the Olympics more of a holiday and now feel I can detune Radio 5 Live from my radio. A great summer yes, life-changing, uplifting stuff that's going to make a new optimistic person – don't be stupid!

Promise some actual modelling stuff will come soon!

[Dave]

In the middle of the review you mention mens volleyball, but picture looked surprisingly like a swimming pool... Safe to say I was confused until you mentioned the waterpolo presentation!

Glad to hear the paralympics made a greater impression on you.  Couldn't help but put me in mind of the episode where Cartmen fakes being mentally deficient to take part in the 'special olympics' equivalent, much hilarity followed. Was just glad to see none of your pictures went down that route 

Also pink and blue, I think you've just discovered your next armies colour scheme...

[cunningmatt]

In the middle of the review you mention mens volleyball, but picture looked surprisingly like a swimming pool... Safe to say I was confused until you mentioned the waterpolo presentation!

Good spot! That has been changed. I am a fool!

Also pink and blue, I think you've just discovered your next armies colour scheme...

Ultramarines maybe? Blue with Tentacle Pink trim?

[Steve H]

Erm, where was the mention of my good self...

We shared a tender moment via twitter in the Olympic Stadium that has been cruelly forgotten.

I am crushed...