Procrastination by Numbers

[cunningmatt]

In the kind of clubs I go to Swinger is someone who specialises in sleeping with lots of people (often those in couples). I found it amusing they had their own parking - for easy access. No... shit I'm losing my touch, have to retire from blogging.

[Meals]

I loled! Don't retire just yet, Matt 

[Dave]

Mine was just a veiled insult, the 'nothing funny about this at all' wasn't specifically referenced to the picture, just the whole post. 

ps I get the whole you've gone to a foreign country for work that counts as a holiday thing too.

[fatolaf]

I saw it as the US version of Dogging....

[cunningmatt]

Update 69 – Thursday 7th June 2012: Groundhog Battle

Apologies for the lack of pictures this week, but you're big boys and girls know – plain text can hold your attention. Go on prove me right!!

Back in Update 67, two weeks ago, I discussed the selection process for the first 800 points of my Beastmen coalition army (and its ridiculous character names). Well I've finally got round to typing up the battle report from that day! Go me!!

Tale of Two OG's II – Tales from the Coalition Army: Battle 1

Battle 1a

Bray Shaman Osborne peered through the forest, the Wood Elves, ancient enemy and known Neil Kinnock supporter were lined up in front of him. The Death Magic ran through his body and he immediately remembered the spells Aspect of the Dreadknight and Purple Sun of Xereus – he did however forget if he was e-mailed about phone hacking and that the spell Aspect of the Dreadknight was largely useless against an army immune to psychology.

As the battle began Osborne took refuge in a tower, from which to oversee the battlefield better. His Chaos Spawn shambled up the left flank only to be shot to pieces by the accursed Glade Guard. The Ungor Raiders who were positioned to block the Elves from attacking the Minotaurs and Razagor became problematic as they were forced to charge some Dryads along with the Razagor in order to get out of the monstrous beasts' way. While the Razagor mangled the Dryads, the Dryads in turn butchered the Ungor forcing the Razagor to flee who were pursued and caught by the Dryads.

Osborne try to improve the situation by casting Purple Sun of Xereus, but the low Wind of Magic, Elven ability to dispel even without a Spellweaver and his general preference for blue over purple prevented him from summoning the spell. However the Minotaurs and Tuskgor Chariots did better smashing into the second unit of Dryads reducing them to matchwood. Osborne laughed at his own funny matchwood joke, after all they were trees really!!! The second unit of Ungor Raiders were shot by the Glade Guard despite the use of the Chalice of Dark Rain.

Things took a dark turn as Osborne watched the Wood Elf General on Stag and the Treekin charge the Minotaurs, the Minotaurs took many wounds but fled to safety. However this allowed the Treekin to pursue into the first Tuskgor Chariot which was destroyed. The second Tuskgor chariot however manoeuvred through the Elven lines and managed to charge and destroy the Glade Guard.

As the sun began to set, the Minotaurs rallied, but the remaining Dryads not fancying their chances hid from their rage. Osborne had been defeated, he cursed the Wood Elves loudly before deciding to raise their taxes.

As Osborne was about to head back to Great Bray Shaman Cameron and report, he felt time being rewritten. Magically the battle reset, his fallen comrades returned to life, but not in a creepy Undead way like Theresa May. He would have to fight the Wood Elves again. And this time they would be crushed.

Battle 1b

Keen not to repeat the mistakes of the last battle Osborne, sent half the Ungor Raiders into ambush the Wood Elves – he expected he'd never see them again, but at least they would be out of the way.

The Razagor thundered up the west flank, the Dryads attempted to charge them, but failed to make the distance and were promptly counter charged by the Razagor. Luck deserted the Dryads as the failed to wound the Razagor and were smashed to matchwood. Osborne laughed at the same joke again. The non-ambushing Ungor Raiders lowered their bows at the Glade Guard, Osborne laughed Ungor were useless – but was shocked to see a Glade Guard fall to a Beastmen bow. In response the Glade Guard shot at the Ungor Raiders killing them all and causing both Tuskgor Chariot to flee in response.

Osborne's laugh vanished as he realised he could be a target for the arrows. He again took refuge in the tower, casting Spirit Leech on the Wood Elf Hero wounding him. The Treekin, accompanied by the Wood Elf Hero on Great Stag, attempt to charge the Minotaurs but fail to make the distance. This allows the Minotaurs to charge them, accompanied by the Razagors in the flank. The Treekin and the Minotaurs exchange and equal number of wounds, the Razagor only able to attack the Hero inflict and impressive 7 wounds, but as the Hero is about to take his last breath a magic trinket around his chest glows absorbing the excess wounds.

Osborne was pleased it was going well, the Tuskgor chariots had rallied and ploughed into the Glade Guard – though one was shot to pieces on the charge, however the Chaos Spawn also ploughed into their flank.

In combat the Minotaurs were killed by the Treekin, but the Hero eventually fell to the Razagor.

Osborne had all but given up hope on the remaining Raiders when they arrived at the rear of the Wood Elf army, to add shock to shock, they then promptly shot one of the Dryads held in reserve. Osborne felt a chance to dominate the Winds of Magic, using Spirit Leech to feel a wounded Treekin before casting Doom and Darkness on the same target to weaken their spirit. It was in vein though as the Razagor were driven off by the Treekin. However the remaining Tuskgor Chariot and Chaos Spawn break and run down the Glade Guard pulping their Elven bodies under hoof and wheel.

The Treekin then charge into the very same chariot, destroying it and forcing the Razagor to flee again. Meanwhile the Dryads took revenge on the Ungor Raiders killing them all. Osborne sensed he was about to lose again, when the Chaos Spawn ambled into the flank of the Treekin. Spotting his chance, he cast Doom and Darkness back on the Treekin. The Treekin are unable to wound on the flailing Spawn, who does one wound in return, combined with the flank charge it's enough to break the Treekin who are rundown by the shambling Chaos monstrosity.

In return the Dryads charge the Spawn in the flank, unable to kill it gives enough time for the rallied Razagor to plough into the Dryads. As sunsets the Spawn is finally killed roaring a cry not of this world. The Razagor and Dryads unable to kill each other.

With most of the Wood Elf army dead Osborne realised he was the victor. He was about to run from the tower and celebrate, when John Terry ran onto the battlefield and started the celebrations himself.

Osborne could feel the familiar forces of time, about to unravel and make him play the battle for the third time – when suddenly a loud bell rang and he could hear the unearthly cry of "Last Orders".

Elsewhere...

Great Bray-Shaman Cameron watched proceedings in his mind, watching the battle unfold. He cursed loudly, how had Osborne fought in two battles and not suffered injury when he had been so badly maimed in the previous encounters? Cameron knew he would have to take Osborne down a peg or two. Cameron was the lead Shaman and Osborne needed to remember this.

Hopefully you managed to keep up there with the exploits of my Beastmen. Today, this very day I'm going to be adding another 400 points to the army and re-fighting the battle! I have the Wood Elves again in Round 2. I'll keep you updated next week – if I get round to writing it all up.

Also probably should show you some newly painted models. Next week... if lethargy doesn't kill me!

[Dave]

So good they played it twice?

[cunningmatt]

So good they played it twice?

We were supposed to play it three times and average results, but it turns out my Warhammer games are like my blog entries... long!

[cunningmatt]

Update 70 – Friday 8th June 2012: Where's the Jubi-Glee?



In case you've managed to miss all media outlets for the last few weeks, you may have seen all the bunting and incorrectly deduced that the BNP have swept to power and Lenny Henry has been put to death. Don't worry that hasn't happened, it was just the Queen's Diamond Jubilee. Though having seen his performance at the concert I can't guarantee the safety of Lenny Henry.

Yep the Queen has been reigning for 60 years, and as nice touch the flotilla organisers managed to orchestrate the weather so that everyone appreciated what raining for 60 years felt like. Unfortunately the double bank holiday allowed Fearne Cotton to escape from her maximum security prison. Not only was she seen displaying a jubilee-themed sickbag to Paloma Faith, but she also interviewed some World War II veterans. If surviving terrible armed conflict wasn't enough, these people were then forced to endure an interview with the human form of stale candyfloss. All of them remarkably grateful Hitler had never deployed such weapons of evil back in the 40s. We also saw John Barrowman discussing the bells on the Queen's barge and Anneka Rice watching some people painting some awful pictures of the Queen – only to see them destroyed by the typhoon force rain, in what can only be described as a merciful act of God. Based on this last paragraph you may think I didn't watch the coverage of the Jubilee on the television and I made all that up. If only...



Televisual coverage aside, the main problem for me with the Diamond Jubilee is that it's another opportunity for "organised fun" or by that I mean forced fun. I have no problem with the monarchy, Queen, Jubilee or anyone who wants to celebrate it. But like all socially retarded people, I'm never quite sure what to do at these events that are designated "fun". I get the sense that I should be having fun, and that I should be enjoying myself. Yet I can't work out how I'm supposed to enjoy the event, and what I am supposed to be doing. For instance, if I went to the river pageant, what am I supposed to do? It's nice to see all the boats, but I'd be crammed in with a million other people trying to do the same, briefly glimpsing the boats as they sailed past. A bit like being crammed on the Victoria Line trying to crank your neck to see the station sign through the window. Logically it seems a lot more sensible to watch it on television. Apparently you are supposed to "soak up the atmosphere", what the hell does that mean? And how do I do that? Was I off sick the day they taught this skill at school? Judging by the bedraggled spectators on the TV coverage, some people had done a very effective job of soaking up the atmosphere – but I don't think that's what people mean.

I am coming to the conclusion that "soaking up the atmosphere" simply means daytime drinking. All these events are just an excuse to not feel like an alcoholic when you've cracked open a bottle of bubbly at ten to eleven in the morning. Here again I'm left out, because I'm not really a big drinker. I know what you're thinking "with a face like that, how can he not be constantly drinking in a bid to distort the hideous image his brain sees every time he looks in the mirror?" but no I take the hit, I just don't drink very much – and have got used to my own hideous visage. So where is the fun, for those who aren't pi**ed.

There are lots of other events like this that I don't get the point of, New Year, St Patrick's Day, even just a general night out clubbing. They are supposed to be the most fun you can ever have, but essentially they just consist of me not having fun, watching people who are having fun. And not having fun, while watching people having fun is probably the least fun thing of all. I just don't get why they're having fun – it can't just be the drinking.

At least Christmas, they tell you what to do, there's the cards, the decorations, the meal, the family row and the becoming obese because you really felt your family of 4 needed 16 tubes of Pringles. But most of these national events don't come with instructions on how to have fun. I'm never sure what I'm supposed to do, and instead it leaves me feeling rather empty.

Gay Pride is another one of these, I realise technically not a national event – unless you consider me a citizen of Homotopia. Essentially Gay Pride is where gay people all meet up and have a big celebration of the fact they are gay. They do these festivals in every major city up and down the country, even Hull, who knew there was anything to be proud of in Hull? I'm usually dragged to at least one of these events a year, I have no idea what I'm supposed to be doing. People appear to be having fun in all sorts of ways I simply cannot comprehend. All I know is that as a gay man this is supposed to be the most fun day of my life. It isn't. There's some kind of parade full of floats of gay men. I'm worried that these parades are actually Julian Clary's attempt to recreate the Hitler Youth movement, but at least at this point I get what I'm supposed to do – stand there and watch. But then the rest of the day sort of seems to be hanging out in parks or gardens drinking, sort of like being in a very big pub without any tables, chairs, roofs or way of getting easily served – you know all the good things about pubs. Instead you have to be introduced to friends of friends of friends, who you don't really want to meet and pretend to them you're having the best day of your life ever – because "we're soaking up the atmosphere". I just don't understand, what I am supposed to be doing?

With all this in mind, I wasn't sure what I was supposed to be doing for the Jubilee either. At least the Queen was privy to some kind of instructions. I toyed with going down to the river, but that seemed awfully sociable. I was invited to completely ignore the event at a barbecue, but that felt wrong, I felt I should be celebrating the Jubilee. So instead I just sat on my arse and watched it on the telly, a pathetic attempt to be involved in a national celebration of fun. And then was shown news footage up and down the country of all kinds of people having fun. Fun I wasn't having, fun at street parties and on The Mall and in pubs. I didn't understand why what they were doing was fun, but they were having fun. They didn't show any blokes sitting at home, not really having fun because they didn't know how to join in did they?



Oh well, Olympics coming soon. Didn't get any tickets for that... Probably just watch it on telly... Whilst everyone else has fun.

[cunningmatt]

Oops, guess she's read the blog:

http://www.digitalspy.co.uk/showbiz/news/a386089/fearne-cotton-grown-men-who-slag-me-off-are-bullies.html

[Dave]

"Grown men who slag me off in articles/online are huge bullies. I love my job and wouldnt be doing it if i wasnt any good at it. (sic)"
Sadly that just isn't true, time served does not have any relation to anyones ability to do a job.  There are plenty of people I've worked with who are woefully inadequate at what they're doing but you still can't get them fired.  Personally I just don't 'get' fearne, she's a bit excitable but otherwise lacking in any real insight.  Not necessarily a bad thing but not for me, though to be clear it doesn't really make her any different to countless other TV presenters out there.

I went to a jubilee party, it was an excuse to have a barbeque and nothing further.  I spent most of it chatting computer games with a couple of guys who work for Rockstar (get me namedropping famous games companies!).