Procrastination by Numbers

[fatolaf]

mereological nihilism

Phrase of the day

[cunningmatt]

Update 67 – Friday 25th May 2012: Return of the Dark Lord

Regular followers of this blog, those that haven't ended up in deep therapy, will know that in addition to the 4 billion High Elves I've painted, I also have a Beastmen army. The Beastmen haven't seen much love in recent months, they've been about as welcome in my army case as Aleshia Dixon would be at the Strictly Come Dancing party. What is the reason for this you may be wondering? Well wonder no more my little cherub, I shall tell you! Back last summer when I finished my last batch of Beastmen models, the army was pretty much complete. However the last models I built were my Razagor and two more Beastmen chariots. The Razagor were an absolute a**e to put together, you may remember, my flatmate certainly does – he still vividly remembers cowering behind the sofa as bits of Razagor body were hurled around the living room whilst I shouted like a whaling banshee. It was this rage that really put me against ever working with multiple-part metal models again, and pleased me greatly when Citadel Finecast appeared on the scene (though none of the models I wanted came out in Finecast!). The very first game I played post this horrendous assembly, led to two of my brand new Beastmen Chariots collapsing to pieces – despite them being more heavily pinned down than a prostitute in the average England player's dressing room. To say I was annoyed was a bit of understatement, and it really put me off the Beastmen. The Beastmen were packed away on shelves and in boxes and haven't seen the light of day since.



However recently I've started to get itchy brush syndrome (like itchy-dick, but with less chance of ruining your marriage) while painting the High Elves. You may remember last week in Update 65 I'd talked about how much I'd enjoyed painting the High Elves, well that is still true, but a tiny part of me is looking forward to getting another pass at the Beastmen maybe to add the odd one of their new big gribblies (I say "new", the December lot).



Anyway with this in mind, and a new summer campaign underway (timed perfectly for the weather), it seemed like the perfect time to dust off the Beastmen and get my love back for them. First up the glue needs to be deployed – the Beastmen chariots are still in the pieces they ended that fateful game in, looking like the average attempt at an IKEA self-assembly wardrobe. Approximately 75% of my metal Beastmen with hand weapon and shield are without shield, and Malagor could be in training for the Paralympics.





So with glue, pinning and a bit of luck fully applied the Beastmen are ready for battle. And with that it's time for the return of the infamous Beastmen army led by Great Bray Shaman Cameron and his ally Beastlord Clegg. Those of you who are unfamiliar with the tales of these two infamous villains, probably won't really understand what's going on. To be honest those who are familiar, and myself, probably will still be a bit confused. But back in early 2011 OG Games ran it's Black Isle (not as racist as it sounds!) campaign where my Beastmen army lead by Great Bray-Shaman Cameron and Beastlord Clegg (names I just picked at random, obviously!) took to battle with their coalition themed army. If you're interested in how they got on look through my old blog and find it for yourself! 

Broadly speaking the Beastmen faired badly. Apparently naming your characters, utterly coincidentally, after unpopular public figures of the time, provokes the same kind of reaction as painting "Iraqi Field Hospital" on the roof of your building receives from American bombers. And due to an unfortunate character injury table that carried over through the campaign, most of my characters were just simply torsos with stumps – hoping the next gift the Chaos Gods would give them would be a mobility scooter. Well, defeated last time it's time for the return of Great Bray-Shaman Cameron and the coalition army, this time OG City lies within his beady gaze (presuming any eyes survived the last campaign). Can anyone stand in his way?... in fairness the Doncaster Under 9's Ballet Team could probably stand in his way, but we'll proceed none-the-less.

Tale of Two OG's II – Tales from the Coalition Army

Great Bray-Shaman Cameron, was angry, one long year he'd spent licking his wounds. Months spent looking to the Sun before finally the Chaos Gods, Rupert and James, had seen potential in him, and his latest gifts had replaced his missing limbs. Although interestingly they'd now given him a second face, not that, that concept bothered the Bray-Shaman at all. No amount of killing the Empire's soldiers, desecrating Bretonnian shrines and taking away people's disability allowance had improved his mood.

Beastlord Clegg stomped over, his new hoof still didn't sound right, he let out a guttural roar. Instinctively Cameron knew what he meant, he wanted to know where the next fight would be. That or he was moaning about his recent defeat in the Beastmen elections, losing Herdstone Central and Dung Heap West had hurt him, but it was Clegg's fault he needed to stop losing battles, and opposing his reforms to employment laws – that let Ungors be eaten if their employers saw fit, it was good for the herd! The Bray-Shaman presumed Clegg's inquiry was the first option. He paused for a moment, gazing into the ether to hear what the voices wanted, to see a premonition. In mere seconds a whaling banshee called to him, her deep cackling and hideous visage scarring his mind just thinking of them. She was wailing to him, calling to him, attempting to awake his Primal Fury. Then he saw the most disturbing feature her hair, her crimson red curly hair – reflecting the very fires of hell itself. She called to him, commanded him, to head to OG City, she had a request for the Bray-Shaman. He was to bring her a horse.

Realising they would need funds to raise the kind of army required to take OG City, Great Bray-Shaman Cameron immediately held an impromptu kitchen supper with a number of key business leaders. And soon found himself with a large amount of cash. And then the herd as one let loose a deep roar, the Beastmen coalition was on the march, and no one would stop them.

As they approached the OG City, the Bray-Shaman saw a small contingent of Wood Elves or Tomb Kings – he couldn't be sure, it seemed to vary dependent on which day of the week it was and who was available. With his army arriving peace-meal, Cameron glanced up and down his new arm and leg. He wasn't prepared to repeat the mistakes of The Black Isle, he wasn't going to commit himself just yet. He needed to send someone in to do his dirty business, someone who wouldn't be bothered if they lost a limb or two. Then it struck him there was one such Beastmen a Gor so ugly, so twisted and with such a distorted face that even he lost a limb or two he couldn't be any more ugly. Nothing could distract from that hideous face. And so Great Bray-Shaman Cameron, sent his junior Bray-Shaman Osborne to the first battle.

So it was time to select a new Beastmen army, something I hadn't done in a while. With excitement I picked Warhammer Armies: Beastmen off the shelf, opened it and was immediately greeted by that all-to familiar smell of failure. Still at least, unlike the High Elf book, none of the pages had fallen out.

With only 800 points to play with this in the first battle, it wasn't going to be a vast hoard, but I was confident we could get a variety of units in. Thankfully Great Bray-Shaman Cameron had dictated that he and Clegg would not be fighting this battle, as I think I'd struggle to get a Lord in at this points' level.

My first pick was Bray-Shaman Osborne, he would both be the general and provide some magical support for my army. I bumped him up to a Level 2 and equipped him with The Chalice of Dark Rain (One use only, for duration of enemy shooting phase all units at -1 to hit, war machines that don't use BS can only fire on a 4+) – this would prove useful in the coming battles as I'm sure to face a battery of shooting (admittedly it would be less useful against Tomb Kings with their unmodified to hit rolls but there we go.) Spell Lore was, I knew Lore of the Wild would be as much use as a chocolate teapot, Lore of Beasts was good, but wanted this for Cameron, so I ummed and ahhhed between Death and Shadows, before finally plumping for Death. Seemed appropriate somehow!



Next I picked some core, Beastmen Tuskgor Chariots are a must, very few armies have chariots in their core, and they can prove a right nuisance for the enemy, so I snapped up two. I considered a third, but that seemed a bit mean at this points' level.





Instead I rounded out my core with two units of 5 Ungor Raiders – each with Halfhorn and musician. These would be used to shield my units and re-direct potentially annoying chargers. Potentially one unit could go in Ambush as well, probably not that useful but at 39 points a unit it could get lucky and take out an annoying war machine early.





Special next and time for some hard hitters, I took 3 Minotaurs with Great Weapons always good for chopping up tough units and potentially getting better and better every combat phase. I'd like more, but that would have to wait for a bigger army.



And then to compliment that 3 Razorgor – powerful on the charge, this beasties arefast  pretty nifty and under-estimated (as most people don't like the model!). Besides I'd spent about three years of my life assembling the bastards so I was dam well going to use them.



I had a few points left over and not really much I could use them on, bar more Ungor Raiders which didn't seem that helpful or fun. So instead I plumped for a Chaos Spawn – not amazing I grant you, but their random movement does make them useful against skirmishers and fast cavalry – and at this points' level tieing up an annoying unit like that could be important. Besides it seemed most importantly fun.



So there we go the army list, is:

Bray Shaman Cameron – with Level 2, Chalice of Dark Rain and additional hand weapon (152 Points)

5x Ungor Raiders – armed with short bows, with Halfhorn and musician (39 points)

5x Ungor Raiders – armed with short bows, with Halfhorn and musician (39 points)

Tuskgor Chariot – crewed by Gor with spear and Bestigor with great weapon (80 points)

Tuskgor Chariot – crewed by Gor with spear and Bestigor with great weapon (80 points)

3 Minotaurs – armed with light armour and great weapons (189 points)

3 Razagors – (155 points)

Chaos Spawn – (55 points)

TOTAL: 789 point – yeah that is 11 points short, I c**ked it up doing my intial add up – oh well 11 extra points next week to spend!!

The astute amongst you may have noted that I have now revealed both my army list and upcoming plan for this whole campaign. Well I figured what with that, and playing Beastmen I have an excellent excuse when I lose the every game, and have exceptional bragging rights should I by some miracle win. So watch out enemies of the Beastmen, in fact watch out reason, because Cameron and Clegg are back...



Sadly at the time of writing I haven't actually played any games, but fingers crossed by next week I should have some juicy battle reports filled with tales of death (hopefully not just Beastmen).

Until then...

[Annie]

You used my photo guide!!! *jumps up and down squealing and clapping!!"

[fatolaf]

And how did it go against the Woodies then?

[cunningmatt]

You used my photo guide!!! *jumps up and down squealing and clapping!!"

I always use your photo guide nowadays for final models - any poor photos are due to my own incompetence, not the photo guide!!

And how did it go against the Woodies then?

Not bad, not bad! Sorry not time to add it to today's blog. Will get the VP up on the other thread tonight when I get home.

[Dave]

perhaps switching the red light that appears to be in your room off might help the photos, but then you don't want to appear closed for business I suppose...

[cunningmatt]

perhaps switching the red light that appears to be in your room off might help the photos, but then you don't want to appear closed for business I suppose...

I don't know what it is about when I photograph Beastmen that makes their flesh come out so red. Still on an unrelated note I've now made enough money to buy a new Dark Elf army, with change leftover to get the cream needed to clean up the rash earnt doing so!

[cunningmatt]

Update 68 – Wednesday 30th May 2012: Born in the UK

In a desperate bid to try and make money from my blogs and retire in a sunshine paradise with a harem of prostitutes all coated in mint chocolate chip ice cream, here's my attempt to become a travel writer. Enjoy.

Back in April I was lucky enough to go on a work trip to the United States of America, this was only my second visit to our trans-Atlantic friends. My first visit was back on the 9th of September 2001, and so I was pleased that this visit didn't happen to coincide with any acts of international terrorism. Which has trips abroad go, is always a plus. Before you get too jealous of my amazing trip, here's a photo from the rooftop of my hotel, which as you can see is terrible, yes this truly was an awful trip:



America sort of tricks you into thinking it isn't really abroad. We're so used to American culture in our films, television and brands, combined with the similarity of language, that you could be forgiven for thinking initially it will be no different to home. However America isn't a mirror of Britain, more Britain painted in a cubist style – there's the odd element of familiarity in a veneer of confusion. A bit like when you walk in a designer clothes store, there appears to be familiar looking shapes of clothes, but for some unknown reason they've been displayed in a pile of straw on a load of broken computer equipment sprayed with purple poster paint (it's artistic I'm told).

The main thing that struck me about America is the scale on which everything is done. And I'm not just talking about people's waistlines before you misinterpret for comedy effect, though by this point you've probably started added in your own jokes just to keep yourself from slitting your wrists in this barren wasteland bereft of humour. Try sitting opposite me at work, if you want to know true tedium. Everything in America is done on a huge scale, where in London land and space has to be conserved to such an extent that I spent my entire university career folded away in the space occupied by an edition of travel Yaztee. In America space is abundant, why have terraced houses when you can put a kilometre of space between each building? Even in smaller towns and suburbs large buildings dominated the skyline, only dwarfed by the humungous advertising hoardings. It's if the latest movies have sponsored the very sky itself, to be honest I wouldn't be surprised if I'd seen clouds formed in the shape of the McDonald's golden arches wafting across the horizon.

I went to the post office in order to purchase a stamp so I could send a postcard to my mother – being that she's unable to distinguish the difference between a work trip and a holiday, the primary difference being the former does not provide any time to visit post offices to send postcards. Even the post office is a hugely crafted multi-story building:



In Britain this kind of building would be reserved only for the town's mayor, and only then if they'd fiddled the public accounts to get it built. For comparison here's the Post Office in Clapham:



It's not quite the same is it?

The same principal of course applies to American food, the food is lovely but the concept of portion control couldn't be less American if it was daubed in a Taliban flag and burnt live on Fox News. Why have a Lasagne for one, when you can have on the size of a double bed. You could quite easily slip between the layers of pasta sheets and have 40 winks in a nice tomato base. America is probably the only nation whose lasagne is available in a 13.5 tog rating. The average American breakfast, in the hotel I was staying at, required the lifetime's work of several chickens and the death of an extended family of pigs. Looking for a light option, I thought I'd try out the pancakes with banana choice on the menu. This will be light. I was wrong.



It was less a stack of pancakes more a skyscraper, each pancake could have been an individual storey, and I was tempted to install an elevator through the centre (look at me with the American lingo!). In fact here's the same picture but with an average-sized human shown to scale:



Although of course that said, some types of food are always welcome in extra large scale:



Before you criticise and think I was doing nothing on this trip except eating, I should point I spent time painting High Elves there too:



See very busy.

I was staying in Los Angeles, apparently the most westerly major city in the world. There you go fact fans impress your mates down the pub with that gem, I would but I have no mates and the idea of socialising appals me.

Of course the major attraction of Los Angeles is the Hollywood sign, and here's some photos I took of it, which to you will be at least 3% more exciting than seeing any other photo you've seen of it anywhere else. Why? Because I took it, I was there.



And to prove that I am vaguely intellectual here's the famous Griffith's Observatory:



And to destroy any respect I gained from that last sentence, I'll tell you that the observatory is very exciting because it featured in an episode of Star Trek: Voyager (hashtag geek).

Another key site of Hollywood is Hollywood Boulevard:



I wasn't really sure what I was expecting Hollywood Boulevard to look like, I think I imagined it would be a gold plated street with impressive marble film studios all along it. And in fairness some bits are like that, well maybe not gold-plated. But there are few plush looking film studios, swanky hotels and amazing restaurants. However large sections are stars just outside tatty souvenir shops and rundown cafes.



It's a bit like the first time you visit Oxford Street expecting it to be a glittery shopping paradise, only to be disappointed to discover that amongst the big department stores there's an Officer's Club and a Sports Direct. It somehow lets the whole thing down. Though on Hollywood Boulevard, you can have the indignity of being the film star whose name happens to be outside the newsagent with the filthy, broken windows. I am guessing that would only happen if you weren't a very good film star. I suppose the Oxford Street equivalent would be writing Shane Ritchie's name on the pavement outside Primark with a blue aerosol spray can.

While we are talking about Hollywood Boulevard, I should give a mention to the amazing Cirque du Soliel which I saw in the Kodak Theatre (after fighting my way through a number of street entertainers wearing suspiciously bad costumes, such as Darth Vader in a blue cloak – presumably because the factory reject costume was so much cheaper). The Cirque du Soliel performance was absolutely amazing, well at least I imagine it was. Problem was I'd worked through the previous night and only had three hours sleep, so as soon I sat down in a darkened theatre my eyelids dropped faster than Katie Price's underwear. Still I imagine it was really good. If you're ever in Los Angeles I urge you to go sleep through it.

And with that I think covered every single aspect of the fifty states of America, you can't possibly have any more questions. Though I should imagine reading this blog you'll soon be expecting to me get my own travel blog. I for one and am all for the prospect of free trips. Like all good travel writers I will sign off with a summation line encapsulating the whole American experience. "If you like America, go to America."

Oh and of course there's nothing funny about this picture



Nothing at all.

[Dave]

Agree, there was nothing funny about that at all...

[roland murat]

What that supposed to be a joke? If so I don't get it.