Procrastination by Numbers

[cunningmatt]

Update 61 – Monday 30th April 2012: The Fourth Decade

So last week's update all about paints and Empire may not have answered the question of what I was doing whilst you've been sitting at your computer crying waiting for this blog to update. Well friends I have turned the ripe old age of thirty. Yes who'd have thought? Certainly not my mirror. Which currently is estimating my age, to be the average age of items shown on the Antiques Roadshow. Regular readers of blog, familiar with my tone being much like that of Victor Meldrew crossed with an angry goose, will expect me to have had a miserable 30th birthday. Well in fact I had a good birthday, so there! You didn't expect that did you?

The actual day was Easter Saturday, which was a little inconvenient as everyone tends to be busy across the Easter weekend. But it did give me the opportunity to spend the day itself with my family. Who organised this lovely birthday cake for me:



I was also lucky enough to receive a shout-out on Graham Norton's radio show, organised by my flatmate. Despite actually working in the media industry I still found this deeply exciting, as if all the other listeners were wishing me a happy birthday, instead of ignoring it and sipping coffee like I do when I'm listening and hear other birthday messages. Anyway I played the whole thing very cool, and absolutely didn't record the shout-out on my computer so I can play it back again and again. No I definitely did not do that.

The rest of the day was spent with my Dad constantly reminding me I was now thirty. I couldn't work out if this was his way of getting his own back for all the times I called him "old" as a child, or just the worry dawning on him that he was now old enough to have a fathered a thirty year-old child. In hindsight the crying should have given away it was the latter option.

The next Saturday saw me have a birthday party. I should of course say thanks to my friends who made me wear this "30" balloon around my arm for the whole evening, like a modern day slave labourer's ball-and-chain.



Effectively it's like having a giant advertising hoarding strapped to you saying "Too old to date", which you then have to take around on the Underground. This resulted in one memorable exchange on the way home with two rather drunken women, who first of all asked "Whose birthday is it?". I resisted the urge to reply "Me, you daft cows. That's why I'm holding the balloon.". After explaining it was my birthday one of the women then went onto then say "Oh I just turned 30 myself, it's really awful isn't it?! Are you having a good night?". To which I replied "I was...".

I was then asked "Are you the oldest person in your group?". "Do I look the oldest?", I said. "Yes" came the reply. It was at that point when I pushed them under the train, so sincere apologies if your Northern line service was held up on Saturday 14th of April. It was necessary.

I was lucky enough to receive quite a few birthday cards:



Thanks so much everyone who sent me one, sadly if I added up all the 30's listed on the cards, I'd have an age of about 1,200. Fortunately no one was stupid enough to send me a "With Deepest Sympathy" card, probably realising that had they done so their nearest and dearest would be receiving similar cards very soon. I should at this point show you a card made by graphic designer friend, which is amazing:



So there you go, shocking as it seems I've actually written a happy blog – broadly. Bet you're surprised.

Has anything changed since turning 30? Well not really, my face doesn't seem to need more ironing than it already did, and no vital limbs have fallen off or anything. I have made a few life changes, I've lost three and a half kilograms on a diet and have started driving lessons. Yes clear the streets of Clapham, I am learning to drive – more on that in a few weeks' time (provided no one, especially me, dies in the process).

Is there anything I regret not doing before turning 30? Well veteran readers will remember that back in September (Update 12) I went through a list of 30 things I was "supposed" to have done before turning thirty:



And that I had achieved six of these things, I still have achieved six of these things. And do you know what? I don't care. They are all stupid things I don't wish I'd done anyway. Like having a meaningful relationship. Who wants to do that? I guess if I was to list one regret over the last thirty years, then it would probably be not having assassinated Katie Price. I've had two distinct opportunities to do this neither one I have taken up and I feel for the good of humanity I should have.

The first was when I interviewed her at the Brit Awards back when I was making student television. It was just after she launched her bid to represent the United Kingdom in the Eurovision Song Contest, you may remember her being dressed in a very tight pink PVC suit whilst heavily pregnant:



Apologies for sharing that photo with you. I asked her to tell me something about her Eurovision entry, which she said she would if I promised to vote for her in the UK selection process. I duly promised her my vote, and she then told me nothing. Well I got the last laugh bitch, because guess what? I didn't vote for you. Hahahahahahahahahaha!

The second time was when I was working at The London Studios, ITV's Southbank Headquarters, in an adjacent studio she was filming some tedious Katie & Peter-esque chat show for that highbrow channel, and home of thought provoking documentary ITV2. Humorously the show was cancelled a few episodes before the end of its run because Katie Price had booked herself a plastic surgery session out of the country and therefore couldn't attend the last few episodes of her own show. I'm not even making it up, that actually happened! My regret is I missed a perfectly good opportunity to run into the studio armed with a flamethrower and melt her breasts into molten plastic. I would like to take this moment to point out to any security services monitoring this blog, that I in no way encourage or endorsee any kind of terrorist activity. Though I suspect any court in the land would let me off, when they heard my motivation.

So there we go, thirty and happy(ish) and bar sharing the earth with Katie Price, I think I am happy with my achievements. I look forward to a stream of comments and replies telling me why I shouldn't be happy!

[Dave]

Woop woop, another non-decrepid grumpy old 30something joins the ranks.  I just wish you'd been at SCGT so I could have actually met you in person rather than knowing you purely as an internet 'celebrity'.  Or if you were there and I horrendously blanked you and was just incredibly offensive, then oops! sorry!

[cunningmatt]

I just wish you'd been at SCGT so I could have actually met you in person rather than knowing you purely as an internet 'celebrity'.  Or if you were there and I horrendously blanked you and was just incredibly offensive, then oops! sorry!

Nah I wasn't there, I like my own anonymity - would be awful to be surrounded by hundreds of screaming fans! 

[TkaiC]

... would be awful to be surrounded by hundreds of screaming fans! 

Cheerleaders of Hoeth?

[StubbornMark]

it's when you get to ollie and ritchie's ages, thats when you have to start worrying   

[Crompton]

it's when you get to ollie and ritchie's ages, thats when you have to start worrying   

Ol gets a free bus pass next year...right?

[cunningmatt]

Cheerleaders of Hoeth?

Maybe cheerleaders of Shakeaway would be more appropriate!!

Ol gets a free bus pass next year...right?

Ok this can only end in tears (or a fight), can we safely declare me the grumpiest if not oldest member of the forum?!

[fatolaf]

Ok this can only end in tears (or a fight), can we safely declare me the grumpiest if not oldest member of the forum?!

Thats a deal then, I think sadly that me and Ritchie are the oldest regulars , but oldest of any member must be Khaos Goblin who is at least 10 years older than me 

Oh and happy (belated) Bday buddy 

[cunningmatt]

Thats a deal then, I think sadly that me and Ritchie are the oldest regulars , but oldest of any member must be Khaos Goblin who is at least 10 years older than me 

Ritchie - regular?! Really!!  Still good to find out I'm not the oldest!

Oh and happy (belated) Bday buddy 

Many thanks!!

[cunningmatt]

Update 62 – Wednesday 2nd May 2012: The Prophet of Doom



In olden times there were always prophets of doom, people who foretold of the end of mankind, be it for religious or cultural reasons. Perhaps even the coming of war or disease, or maybe they correctly predicted that human civilization would reach its low point in the 21st century with the birth of The Jeremy Kyle Show.



Either way in the present day, we rarely see people wandering the streets chanting about the coming of the end of the world, the collapse of civilization or the death of all mankind. The main reason for this, is that their role in society has now been entirely replaced with Sky News. In fairness all twenty-four hour news channels have a fundamental flaw – on the vast majority of days there isn't twenty-four hours of news to fill them with. So they have to be filled with repetition, speculation, deliberation and hypothesis, all the things banned on the Radio 4 show Just a Minute. However Sky News seems to be the worst for using this as an excuse to explore the worst case scenario in all possible situations in a desperate bid to keep panicked individuals watching across the break lest they miss out on a vital piece of information that would keep them alive. I wouldn't be surprised if Eamonn Holmes actively told viewers to stay tuned because after the break they'll be explaining how not watching the commercials can kill you. He probably already has, I've not see Sunrise.

Breaking news is Sky's big thing, their tagline is "First for Breaking News". Obviously it doesn't matter if the news isn't quite right, exaggerated to the point where it is blown out of all proportion, or just plain wrong. The news is first and it broke here. Everything on Sky News is breaking news, in fairness every event is breaking news at some point – Christmas Day after all was breaking news at one point. But I strongly suspect the Three Wise Men and the Shepherds weren't alerted to the birth of Jesus by a giant, colourful strap slapped across the bottom of their vision, followed by a "festive" expert discussing how the birth of the Son of God is likely to cause complete economic collapse and a rise in the value of house prices.

I remember a few weeks after the tragic London bombings, having my attention caught by a Sky News strap titled "Gas Attack" – panicked I looked up to see what terrible event had transpired. It turned out that gas prices had gone up, seemed a rather dramatic, misleading and dare I say it "factually incorrect" headline to me!

Last Friday represented an excellent example of this, when Tottenham Court Road (a road very close to my office) was briefly closed. For those of you unaware of this story, basically a man stormed an office on Tottenham Court Road, claiming to be armed with an explosive, and started throwing office furniture and computers out of the windows. The police, understandably, sent a large response force, closed the road evacuated the area and talked the man down with negotiators. Now without wishing to trivialise what would have understandably been a traumatic experience for those involved, as a news story my two line summary pretty much covered everything that happened. There was no more detail than that.

And that's basically how the channel everyone calls News 24 that isn't called News 24 reported it. The BBC simply mixed it into their rotation of stories, and on the BBC News website for a while it was even entitled "Man throws office furniture out of fifth floor window", until the bomb threat aspect became clear.

Of course this wasn't the case on Sky News where four hours of rolling coverage was leant to dissecting every single unperceivable nuance of this story. Under the title of "Armed Siege in London" we went live to various rooftop camera and helicopter shots of London, all of which showed absolutely nothing happening. It was bit like watching live coverage of the London Marathon the day after it had happened.



The only shot of any interest was when we saw a filing cabinet being thrown out of a window, on an extreme wide angle. And then the most gripping point of that shot, the point where the filing cabinet hit the street below, was completely obscured by the "Breaking News" strap. Meanwhile Kay Burley was busy in the studio discussing the impact of the "hostage" on the upcoming Olympics, clearly visibly creaming herself below the desk at the excitement that she would be the reporter on duty when London would be destroyed by a crazed terrorist – at least in Sky's prophet of doom-esque mind anyway.

The climax of the discussion occurred when an "expert" came into the studio, labelled an expert presumably because he had the ability to use Google. He'd discovered a forum, where contributors had claimed that the company whose building had been stormed had been engaged in some disreputable behaviour over the issuing off HGV licences. Kay Burley then instantly announces "Well that explains the actions, it doesn't excuse them, but it at least explains them." Well thanks very much Kay Burley, who has instantly declared herself judge of all things moral. And whilst I'm sure her words were chosen carefully to avoid any form of litigation, she's effectively bad-mouthed the reputation of a company entirely on the basis of something someone else has read on a random internet forum. It may be correct information, it may not, I don't know. I'm pretty sure Kay Burley doesn't either, but at least she was first with the breaking "news". The fact that most of this conjecture didn't turn out to be correct, and the fact that the coverage seemed to do a better job of whipping everyone up into a panic than the actual event did seem to be secondary concerns.

I hope you enjoyed this blog, if you did why not tell Sky News, I look forward the entirely plausible strap that reads "Breaking News: Some people like Procrastination by Numbers – Al Qaeda links not ruled out.", appearing on my television screen soon.

Please note any inaccuracies in the information contained in this blog entry are simply a tribute to Sky's own newsgathering output!