Procrastination by Numbers

[Dave]

Unfortunately you're just not my type... I much prefer african monkeys to mexican ones.

[Undead Dan]

Damn I hope that was a true story matt.

[cunningmatt]

Damn I hope that was a true story matt.

It didn't all happen on one date, but it is amalgam of true elements! 

[cunningmatt]

Update 50 – Thursday 23rd February 2012: Slipping over to the Dark Side.

Whilst it might be the 50th update of this here exciting blog, a cause for celebration I'm sure you will agree. I am instead going to turn my watchful eye to another celebration, not the return of So You Think You Can Dance on BBC One (exciting though that is), but instead the 25th anniversary of Warhammer 40,000. Which Games Workshop has officially decreed will be this Saturday – though whether that's the historical birthday, or just a convenient spot in the release schedule that happens to fall on a day numbered 25 I'm not sure. But not be a cynic, I will say no more.

Regular readers of this blog will know that I have never really talked about the futuristic cousin to Warhammer Fantasy Battle, and while you might kindly think that's because I'm staying on topic (after all this blog is in the Warhammer section of the website), you should know by now staying on topic is not high on my priority list. To understand my relationship to Warhammer 40,000 you probably need to understand how I originally fell into the vortex of eternal money spending that the Warhammer hobby has become to me. <CUE WAVY FLASHBACK EFFECT AND HARP SOUND EFFECTS>

Back in 1992, when I was the age of about one, and at secondary school (mathematical accuracy isn't important for this story), I, like a lot of children, ended up buying the things my friend's bought regardless of whether I liked them of not. The amount of money I wasted buying things I didn't like just to keep up with my friends is obscene – the entire collection of The X Files on VHS being one such example (sorry Mulder and Scully fans, but it really wasn't for me). One thing I did end up buying was Warhammer Fantasy Battle – the 4th edition with the High Elves and the Goblin Spearmen that could rip your arm off if you accidentally fell on one. And actually it turned out to be a rather good purchase in terms of enjoyment (my bank manager and overdraft the size of one of the better Deal or No Deal? boxes may disagree). However as my friends never once got interested in Warhammer 40,000 neither did I, I was a follower not a leader.

For a large part of my early Games Workshop history, Warhammer 40,000 was an annoyance in the White Dwarf filling up the pages and taking up that elusive battle report spot every other month. Even back in White Dwarf 166 (October 1993), I wasn't excited by the release of Warhammer 40,000's 2nd edition:



In fact I was more excited by the release of the Dwarf Miners and characters on the opposite page (though not the Man O' War Norse Longships – even I am not that pathetic):



Though in fairness flicking through the pages of this edition, very little fuss was made about the release of the 2nd edition, it would be quite easy to overlook it. The Warhammer 40,000 articles seem to just include some background on Space Marines and the release of the Dark Angels Tactical Squad:



Plus of course that dratted Warhammer 40,000 battle report <CUE FIST SHAKING>.



As an aside does anyone else fondly remember the erratic release schedule of Games Workshop, with a new releases not necessarily accompanying a new army book but scattered over a six month period afterwards. Often command models being released the month after the rank-and-file models, and then of course the completely random releases of the odd special character and unit for no imperceptible reason. I admit it's not as nice and logical as the current system, but there was something charming about their being a chance of getting something exciting for one of your armies every month.

Despite my lack of interest in Warhammer 40,000 I did however manage to paint up the free Space Marine that came on my front cover, and as you can see I did an appalling job:



I think I've thrown up more artistic vomits, but in fairness it's got at least three colours and is based so its tournament ready, though sadly represents a rather small army. I may struggle to make 1,750 points.

Over the years I did occasionally glance at the Warhammer 40,000 pages wondering what it would be like, but to be honest back in the nineties I think if I had got a new games system Epic would have appealed – there's something I like more about the scale and the tanks, when I thought of futuristic battles I always wanted tanks and spaceships and things, not vulnerable people with guns.



I blame the computer game Commander & Conquer for this entirely.



For those of you unfamiliar with this game, it's one of the most successful point and click military games, which has been oft copied by many other franchises. Basically you build infantry, tanks and aircraft click on them and then click on where you want them to move to, if you click on an enemy target they will attack them. Hence the name point and click.

The main problem I found with this game is that while lots of the mission encouraged you to build infantry over tanks, infantry were ridiculously vulnerable to being run over. Obviously people in life are vulnerable to being run over, but the supposedly lumbering tanks were just too agile and would quickly run down scores of soldiers who simply were incapable of stepping out the way. This soon conditioned me to accept that tanks were a much better choice than infantry. Though having read the odd Warhammer 40,000 battle report apparently you can't just take tanks.

With this months' White Dwarf featuring a nostalgic look back at the 25 years of Warhammer 40,000 (if you remember to turn the magazine and over and upside down):



I decided to have a read, and ended up feeling suitably nostalgic about a games system I'd never once played before (odd that). I even decided to order myself the limited edition Rogue Trader model:



Having recently enjoyed painting my first Dreadfleet warship (more on that next week), I decided this model would a good alternative model that potentially could be painted up as a break from High Elves and Beastmen – although almost certainly will sit on a shelf unpainted forever more. Don't worry I didn't go crazy and get the wrist bands – seriously who the hell would want those?:



Enjoying my nostalgic reading, I even found out the reason why most of the armies in Warhammer 40,000 have counterparts in the Warhammer world. I always presumed it was laziness, but no, when Rogue Trader came out Games Workshop were worried they wouldn't have the resources to sculpt extra models for them, so it was designed so that all the existing Orcs, Goblins, Elves, Dwarfs etc. could also be used both in fantasy and in space. Though the poor old Squats bought the chop since then, poor midget people never seem to do well in the Games Workshop landscape.

With all this Warhammer 40,000 nostalgia in my heart I even decided to try out a game, well sort of, I popped down the club on Monday where JD and Lee were kind enough to let me tag along their game, whilst I also watched and asked Noah and Ol lots of questions.

Apologies in advance for the state of the photos, for some reason whatever camera settings I use it appears that the games we play in the club room look like they've been photographed under the gaping maw of a portal to hell. Which some may say is a fair description of Wandsworth. Not me.

I joined JD's force playing the Necrons, who are much like Warhammer's Tomb Kings, fighting against Tyranids, who are much like match.com's suggested profile matches for me (sorry dating website rant was earlier in the week, get over it Matty).

So the Necrons deployed first, JD did explain to me what everything was, but I'm afraid I still have no idea. There were people with guns, people with guns and shoulder pads, tall things, some kind of barge – which made me think of Rosie & Jim even though it was nothing like it, and crouching down things which gave birth to little things. Maybe you can better extrapolate from this photo:



Lee then deployed all his Tyranids, which to my untrained eye appear to be the same model just in a variety of different sizes.

We rolled for the first turn (I understood this bit), we won and I was reliably informed we should stand where we are and shout the approaching Tyranids. Sadly only this chap was in range, so I took an action based shot of him peering at the enemy lines ready to shoot an arching bolt of electricity into the enemy lines. Unfortunately he missed so it wasn't that epic.



In the meantime Ol and Noah were playing footsie with their Stormraven Gunships (I looked that name up on the Games Workshop website), seriously this is how they ended up. Get a room guys!



Back to our battle and the Tyranids basically ran towards us, conveniently everyone moves six inches – which is simple. Though two shooty Tyranids shot the Battlebarge, just as I'd worked out what it was called.

Our Turn 2 came up and we charged forward with Scarabs and Wraiths and Scarab-laying thingy me jigs (come on I got two of the names, that's not bad).



Poor rolling, not from me I hasten to add lead to limited casualties from shooting and the Scarabs largely being smashed to tiny bits.

Up next the Tyranid swarm ran the wreckage towards us. Apparently this is bad. More Scarabs were chopped up too.



In our third turn, the egg laying thingys charged into the big Tyranidy thingys – I hope you're keeping up with this technical language.



The Tyranids did some Peroxide based attack on the Necrons – presumably badly dying their hair and showing them photos of themselves five years hence in the shame attack.

I took control of the dice in the shooting phase and an impressive set of rolls for me led to us removing a good chunk of the Tyranid horde. Moo hahahahahaha. I think – I believe it was good.



And we twin-linked our cannons (I think?!) and wiped this gribblies off the table.



Meanwhile the Egglaying Necrons killed a big monster – apparently Lee forget they ignore Armour Saves (I didn't even know!).

The next turn the Tyranids hit home, plus a huge Tyranidy thing – called Alice landed alongside some Genestealers, who have banned from the Levi's store – because they are Genestealers, they steal jeans get it?!!



Lots of Necrons are killed in close combat, and unlike Tomb Kings they don't seem to all rise back up – where's the magic phase?!

Our Turn 4 and all the shooting, including our Assassins(?!?!) turn their weapons on Alice and thanks to some more impressive rolling (thank you very much) she's killed outright haha.

Also our egg-laying Scarb makers and wraiths wipe out some more gribblies in the centre of the table. Sadly at this point we forced to end the game as we ran out of time at the pub. Obviously it would be fair to give Lee a fourth turn to be equal and allow him to wipe out more of our troops in combat, but we didn't so we win on kill points!! Yay! Yay! Yay!!!



So, so far I have a 100% wins ratio in Warhammer 40,000 (even if dubiously obtained). Hence I am never going to play another game of Warhammer 40,000 and maintain my perfect record.

Ok, so that seems a bit extreme, and I did actually enjoy the game. Ol's suggested I have another one with Marines (a bit simpler), where I actually take full charge (gulp)! This is all a bit worrying, because do I want to foray in that game? I am worried that if I start collecting even one Warhammer 40,000 model we're opening the floodgates to greater financial ruin. The main reason I've not even entertained the idea beforehand.

My main problem is that I can't stop collecting, you've seen my Warhammer armies, I just can't reach 2,000 points and say "there we go, that's enough". Oh well I'll keep you updated on the 40K developments, but I suspect the next decision on this blog has the potential to be quite an expensive one...

[maelzch]

Do it! Come over to the (grim) dark side!

Just pick an army based on models you like, and financially cripple yourself from there!

Join us!

[DarkStalker]

.....but I suspect the next decision on this blog has the potential to be quite an expensive one...

I only really manage rein myself in through chronic lazyness/lack of time to get things painted and a nagging embarassment at the size of my painting 'to do' box

....unfortunately for Matt's bank manager he is much more efficient in this area....   

[cunningmatt]

Do it! Come over to the (grim) dark side!

Just pick an army based on models you like, and financially cripple yourself from there!

Join us!

It's worryingly tempting Lee, worryingly tempting.

I only really manage rein myself in through chronic lazyness/lack of time to get things painted and a nagging embarassment at the size of my painting 'to do' box

....unfortunately for Matt's bank manager he is much more efficient in this area....   

If only I could develop a social life this might slow my painting down enough to make it affordable.

[maelzch]

What army's tempting you?

[jackhoneysett]

Yay, keep tempting him people!

I'd recommend playing some kind of marine army rather than necrons next time, making the tank noises is much easier - watch some of Ollie's battles, making the sounds is apparently a crucial part of the game ;)

[maelzch]

The key to 40k is definately loud noises and sound effects! The nids do so much better when I yell "rarrrrgh!" At them!