Procrastination by Numbers

[roland murat]

Victory is mine bwahahahahahahahaha. Cough

errlove what your doing with the Chaos Marauders - seems far more work going into them than I put in to mine but that really isnt much of a shock.

[cunningmatt]

Cheers, I tend to find if I don't put a lot of effort in to all my units, then I paint them too quick and just buy more. It's really a cunning rouse to save myself cash!!

I'll bring down the prize next time I'm around! I know you're excited.

[cunningmatt]

Update 10 – Friday 2nd September 2011: The Happiest Day of Someone Else's Bloody Life

Obviously I would talk about the new Ogre models, but being on what Games Workshop call the Subscription service to White Dwarf which is what I call the Back Issue service – my copy hasn't arrive yet. Instead here's something else I wish to vent my spleen about...

Love, l-o-v-e, pah! Even hearing the word out loud is enough to make me want to vomit so hard that my entire insides are sprayed out all over the floor like an elaborate Persian rug. Incidentally this is the reason why I'm banned from tennis matches, puts people off their strawberries and cream.

Being a terminally single man, who was last dating sometime around the fall of Hadrin's wall, you can imagine how I feel about weddings. Weddings are the ultimate symbol of happiness, joy and togetherness and thus completely alien to me. Like deodorant is completely alien to twelve year old boys, only unlike Lynx I suspect I'll never grow into them.

Unfortunately I am now at the age where weddings are inescapable, at the age of three you're not expected to go because you're too young, lucky sods. Approaching thirty and you find all your friends are popping off to get married, whilst you spend longer on the shelf than the average Korean language-edition Jeffery Archer novel. And being such a good friend you're expected to go to each and every one of the love-based rituals to be joyous as the happy couple embark on their new wonderful life, whilst every step of the ceremony is designed to remind you that their life will be much better than yours. As tasteless acts of suffering go it is akin to inviting a group of starving Ethopian people to come and watch the opening of an All-You-Can-Eat-Buffet, without letting them tuck in. With all this said, you can imagine how excited I am by the fact that I am not only going to a wedding this weekend, but have also have had to toast another happy couple getting married on the same day!

Don't get me wrong I am off course happy for both couples, as I was at the hundred odd other weddings I've been to in the last few years, in fact I'm overjoyed. Ok that's taking it too far, we'll stick at happy. In fairness all the weddings I've been to have been lovely affairs, all different but each one perfectly suited to the couple getting married. As I am sure this weekend's wedding will also be. And whilst I'm not quite at the level of turning up with "It Should Have Been Me" placard, my hatred of weddings is firmly based in selfishness, the "always the page boy never the groom" bitterness is fully in charge here. It's like university graduation, I'm happy to celebrate other people's graduations knowing that I'm graduating too. But if you were forced to go to graduation after your 58th resit of the first year, it would all start to feel a bit like a sick joke.

And this is weddingdom for me, currently I'm just an anomaly on a seating plan that makes the whole thing uneven "well if you could bring a plus one, table allocation would be easier". A plus one! Thanks, who do you expect me to bring a bloody teddy bear, Norman Lamont or perhaps one of the Sugababes? With the option to bring a minus one sadly frowned upon, I resort to being the person standing awkwardly at the edge of the dance floor whilst the bride, groom and all the other couples in attendance go for a romantic dance. I'm there looking interested in a plant pot, until the plant pot gets ashamed by association and wanders off, then I'm just there alone in a sea of happiness, trying desperately to look cheerful but ending up looking about as natural as Gordon Brown's smile.

It wouldn't be so bad if I felt there was a decent chance of me being able to return the favour and invite everyone round for my wedding sometime, but even in an infinite universe with infinite time for all events to play out at multiple times, it still seems an extremely remote possibility. I've probably got more chance of winning Euromillions. Which would at least give me a vague chance of funding the wedding, yes as gratuitous displays of affection go; a wedding seems the most carefree way of pissing a load of cash up the wall. A wall which incidentally has been gold plated, and accessorised by the bride and her mother for approximately 400 working hours to ensure it doesn't clash with the flowers and compliments the shade of the groom's tongue perfectly, lest he open his mouth whilst walking past at some point during the ceremony.

If you're the organisers of the ceremony, you'll run up a debt as large as a medium-sized African nation as you spend money on a church or registry office, reception venue, suit hire, wedding dresses, transport, horses, more finger nibbles than have ever been eaten in the history of the world and enough wine so that everyone gets so pissed they can't remember the event. For all anyone will be able to recall you could have hosted it in a burnt out garage in a back street of Wolverhampton. But wedding's are also expensive if you're a guest, an expense that leaves an extra stain on your debit sheet if you're still single, as you have to pay for accommodation (which is more expensive per person if you're single!) and transportation. It's bad enough if it's in the UK, but there seems to be a trend for getting married aboard. "Not only are we the happiest couple who have ever lived, but we're going to celebrate it on a holiday" - a holiday that has all the disadvantages of being a holiday (e.g. expensive, long journeys, arguments, lost baggage, food poisoning) without any of the advantages, such as relaxing and having fun. I mean seriously how happy do you want me to think your life is, because there's a danger you'll become so happy I might punch you in the face - and blood is very tricky to get out of a wedding dress and tends to dampen down the happiness factor.

And of course there's the gifts, this is the happiest day of our life, but we'd be even happier if you could bring us something of monetary value. Oh and we've seen your usual gift buying skills, you're crap, please only buy us something form this pre-approved list, because asking for the receipt is always awkward. Of course the bride, groom and family have spent a lot of money on the event, so it seems only fair you should buy them a gift - except when you realise the whole event is to make them feel happy anyway, my happiness has certainly not been factored in. In this context the gift buying tradition just feels greedy. Still I intend to milk it for all it's worth if I ever get married, an event pencilled for the year 2080 at the earliest. I should imagine by then the iPhone 73 will be out, so that's going on my wedding list (I don't want pots and bloody pans), and the ceremony - that'll be held on the Moon. Sod Europe, now you've got to pay for interstellar return tickets, serves you right for inviting me to f**king Venice way back in 2009.

You'd think given my resolute bitterness towards marriage that I'd revel in break ups and misery, but no, even they are depressing. For starters it's considered rude to point and laugh at the recently separated, you're not even allowed a big piss-up based celebration, like with a wedding. Instead they expect a shoulder to cry on, they want to wallow to you about how shit it is that their life has become just like yours. Except unlike you, they recently had "happiness" and should be grateful for that. Someone once said "It's better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all", try telling that to someone who's just broken up and they'll slap you. And then people worry about inviting them to weddings, because they worry it will be "insensitive", surely it's insensitive to invite the long-term single, at least the recently single have the perspective that it could happen to them. Instead we just watch on, spectators at the initiation to an exclusive club to which we've been barred entry from for no discernable reason other than having a face like the rear end of a water buffalo and being about as socially aware as a bowl of salmonella. And worse of all you have to listen to reassuring people saying "don't worry it'll be your turn soon", or "it will happen, you've just got to not worry about it" – can we please have a ban on these phrases, we're not living in a f***ing Disney movie, it's perfectly possible and extremely likely that I will be miserable for all my life. And refusing to accept this is plain stupid.

If you'll excuse me, I'm now off to get a new shirt. It turns out that binge eating on chocolate not only fails to take the pain away but also causes your collar size to expand exponentially.

[Meals]

Thanks Matt, your inane ranting has cheered me up after learning that George Lucas has released yet another !@%$#%@ digitally altered Star Wars. !@%$#%@ OFF, YOU MONEY GRUBBING TWAT!!!    oh well, it was at least a nice distraction for a few minutes...

I hope people quote these posts at your Wedding, Matt, whenever it should occur   

Also, if you can find them, single chicks at weddings are desperate as... I suggest less discussion about the number of chairs present may help 

[jackhoneysett]

When you said you were going to give us a wedding-themed update soon, I suspected there might be a bit of a rant brewing!

I've had a few bad wedding experiences too (not my own, I should point out). Then I watched Gavin and Stacey, and all the bitterness disappeared - turns out it's very difficult to hate people with welsh accents. I recommend it, it's cheaper than therapy!

(I have the box set if you want to borrow it!)

[cunningmatt]

I hope people quote these posts at your Wedding, Matt, whenever it should occur   

I wouldn't wait around if I were you, at present the death of the Universe is scheduled to happen first.

Also, if you can find them, single chicks at weddings are desperate as... I suggest less discussion about the number of chairs present may help 

I don't know what you mean, everyone surely loves counting chairs?

I suspected there might be a bit of a rant brewing!

Me? Rant? Never.

Then I watched Gavin and Stacey... (I have the box set if you want to borrow it!)

That's very kind but I think it is all too little, too late now. Blood pressure blown!

[cunningmatt]

Update 11 – Thursday 8th September 2011: His Milkshake Brings all the High Elves to the Yard.

Looking back at this blog, I'm disgusted to see how wayward it's become. How much it has deviated from its original purpose and one true cause. We've had guess the number of chair competitions, moans about weddings, White Dwarf reviews (still no one like that?) and Angel Delight. None of this is what this blog is supposed to be about, let's get back to our core values and our routes.

No I'm not talking about painting. I'm talking Shakeaway of course!



Yes I may have had to go up to Manchester to attend a wedding and watch people embark on their happy bloody life, but the good news is Manchester has a Shakeaway. What do you mean you don't know what Shakeaway is?

Well it's only the theme behind my entire High Elf army:





Which you can read all about in the Tale of OG Gamers – High Elves now available in paperback – it's not actually.

For those of you who <insert hushed breath> haven't been to a Shakeaway <cease of hushing of breath> I shall explain how it works through the aid of my photo case study:

Up first you walk into your chosen Shakeaway branch:



I know you've seen this photo before, but the photo case study wouldn't work otherwise (incidentally there are no Shakeaway branches in London, sadly, though if there were I would be obese).

Next you choose what you would like in your milkshake there are over 150 different flavours and millions of different combinations:



See I told you.

I was in a bit of a rush, apparently it's rude to turn up late to a wedding because you've been drinking milkshakes! I know who makes up the rules of social etiquette! So I went for a tried and tested favourite combination the "Jack" which is caramel biscuits and chocolate and stuff with whipped cream (I can't remember the exact contents, but it's nice).

After placing your order you wait whilst the lovely vendor makes up your milkshake:



Perfection cannot be rushed, so whilst you wait there are lovely activities to pass the time (and a "I Heart Manchester" sign – everywhere in Manchester post rioting):



As you may have noticed I can't use the table football set, as I am alone in the shop, apparently not many people want a milkshake at 10am in the morning on a way to a wedding. Weird.

Sooner or later your vendor will have finished your milkshake...:



...or think you're stalking him because you've taken an inordinate number of photos of him at work. It's fine it all got explained away, down at the police station, just a silly misunderstanding really.

And then you have your yummy milkshake to sit back and enjoy:



Yum, yum, yum!

Tale of OG Gamers – High Elves

Anyway all this milkshake based excitement made me think I probably should talk about how the High Elves are getting on since we last saw them. Well the original 2,000 point force took part in two battles on Monday, in the first time I've been down to the club in ages (I'm so busy!! Ok, I'm so lazy!!).

By the way Jack I know you fought the 2,000 point army a while back for a battle report, may have not got round to writing that up yet – sorry! It's the lazy thing!

I added 200 points of magic items to the original 2,000 point list, giving this full list (as a refresher to those who can't remember):



Lords:

Prince mounted on Griffon with Star Lance (+3S, no enemy Armour Save on charge), Armour of Caledor (2+ Armour Save) and Guardian Phoenix (5+ Ward Save).

Heroes:

Mage with Level 2 upgrade, Silver Wand (Bearer knows one extra spell) and the Ring of Fury (Bound Spell: Fury of Khaine, Power Level 3).

Caradryan with The Phoenix Blade (Flaming Attacks, D3 wounds on targets of Unit Strength 2 or greater) and Heavy Armour.

Core:

18 Lothern Sea Guard with shields, spears and bows. Lead by full command and bearing the Lion Banner (immune to Fear and Terror).

20 Archers with longbows. Lead by full command.

Special:

6 Shadow Warriors with longbows and light armour. Lead by Shadow-Walker.

5 Ellyrian Reavers with spears, light armour and bows, mounted on elven steeds. Lead by full command.

10 Phoenix Guard with halberds and heavy armour. Lead by full command.

5 Dragon Princes with lances, dragon armour and shields, riding barded elven steeds. Lead by full command and bearing the War Banner (+1 Combat Resolution)

Rare:

Repeater Bolt Thrower with two crew wearing light armour.

2 Great Eagles with nothing except feathers.

I leave it to you to mock my magic item choices in your replies below.

First up I took on Lee's Khornate Chaos Warriors, consisting of Lord on Juggernaut, Hero on Juggernaut, Battle Standard Bearer on Juggernaut, 3 units of Chaos Warriors and 2 units of Chaos Knights, all with Mark of Khorne.

The game was pretty much decided in the first turn, as Lee's army advanced I saw a chance to attack. As someone famous once said "Fortune Favours the Bold", I think it was Captain Sisko in the Battle of Deep Space Nine actually. So I charged Prince on Griffon and the Dragon Princes into a Chaos Knight unit accompanied by the Lord. However it turns out Captain Sisko was wrong, the Dragon Prince inflicted 9 wounds on the Chaos Knights, which given Lee's usual standard of dice rolling for armour saves should have meant 12 dead Chaos Knights. Unfortunately all the knights passed their armour saves. The Prince locked in a challenge with the Lord scored 3 hits on the Chaos General with the Star Lance this meant 2+ to wound and no armour save, so I promptly rolled three one's (apologies to anyone in earshot at this point on Monday, fortunately Lee knows it's only a comedy strop that I ever have!! I think he knows anyway, the laughter didn't seem that nervous.). The Lord killed my Prince and the Chaos Knights killed three Dragon Princes, all the survivors ran. The Dragon Princes were rundown and the Griffon fled off the board along with the Archers who it panicked on its way there. After that it was pretty much curtains, with even the Bolt Thrower crew cowering under their machine. My Level 2 Mage managed to do some damage to the Chaos Warriors, but most of his spells were hexes so he wasn't able to do much and what limited archery I had left was hampered by Toughness 4 and 3+ Armour Saves. So my army was quickly munched up.

In fairness I actually threw this game, I heard Lee lost all his battles at the Milton Keynes Massacre, in fact he lived up to the massacre part of the name. So being the nice person I am, I let him win. It wasn't that I'm s**t or anything.

Next up I faced Julien and his High Elves, he'd gone for a Level 4 Archmage, a Level 1 Mage, a Battle Standard Bearer, a unit of Archers, and big blocks of Dragon Princes, Phoenix Guard, White Lions and Spearmen. What initially struck me was how many scary looking big units Julien had managed to get in his army, for the same points, which I didn't seem to have. Though I had the Ellyrian Reavers, so who is the real loser? Julien's Dragon Princes charged my Reavers, who fled and were caught by the Dragon Princes, but this allowed my Phoenix Guard (who rather ironically survived the spell Flames of the Phoenix) a sneaky flank attack that eventually lead to the Dragon Princes breaking and being caught. My Prince was unceremoniously dismounted when his Griffon was shot down by the Fury of Khaine, rendering the Star Lance useless (again). However he and the Dragon Princes charged Julien's Phoenix Guard, the Prince got in base to base with the Archmage who unseated him and managed to get vengeance. Other than that the battle was a bit of a stalemate with the Phoenix Guard's ward save and the Dragon Princes' high armour save limiting casualties, that was until the White Lions charged. Meanwhile my Archers and Bolt Thrower scythed their way through Julien's spearmen, by the time they finally charged the Archers, their ranks were too few to overcome the Archers who eventually killed them all and the Mage in their ranks. I charged my Shadow Warriors into the front of Julien's Archers (who wheeled to face them), whilst and Eagle charged the flank. While the Shadow Warriors survived the volley of arrows, they were cut down in combat causing the Eagle to break. With hindsight I should have hit with the Eagle pinning the Archers in place, then positioned the Shadow Warriors to get the other flank next turn. By now the White Lions had dealt with my Lothern Sea Guard and Mage, and Julien's Phoenix Guard killed my Phoenix Guard. With only a few smatterings of troops left, and about to be chopped up by the White Lions it was another loss for the Shakeaway Elves.

So what did I learn? Sometimes luck screws you over, ala Star Lance. Also White Lions are hard, I didn't really know what to do about them as their 3+ Armour Save against shooting and magic makes missile attacks futile and they are dam good in combat too. Secondly I've a lot of fun redirection units, which I think are essential for High Elves, to pick and choose their fights, but my Prince and Dragon Princes represent my only real punch to the army. Once they were gone I had little to throw at the enemy, Phoenix Guard are much better defence than offence (particularly now I've got their 4+ Ward Saves working, initially I was going to have to take them back to Ol because they just weren't working – all these 1s, 2s and 3s!). Thirdly I maybe need a Battle Standard Bearer, I was loathed to paint one up, as my old High Elf army that this newer army was supposed to combine with already has one. But he's not as pretty looking as my new High Elves, hmmmm.

Oh and I also learnt that at 2,200 points my army is illegal. As I only had 504 points of core to start with and all I could do was add a 25 point banner to one unit. Oops, sorry, didn't make much of a difference really did it boys?!!

Whilst my recent additions of Noble on foot and another unit of Ellyrian Reavers were fun to paint, they don't really address my current problems. What I need is more core, and some extra punch. As everyone knows painting core is boring, so I thought I'd go for the punch, and it turns out I have something lurking in the bottom of my Island of Blood box set that I haven't got round to painting yet (I can't believe how long I left them untouched for) – oh yes it's the Swordmasters. Now there's some punch. White Lions would have to wait... for now!

So taking some snaps in a surprisingly sunny afternoon in my parents' garden this week, the pictures I assure you look warmer than the temperature actually was, I've started work:

Stage 1 – Swordmasters of Hoeth









Base: Khemri Brown
Skulls (on base): Khemri Brown
Cloth: 1:1 Astronomican Grey : Skull White
Plumage: Iyanden Darksun
Armour Trim: 1:1 Enchanted Blue : Ice Blue
Silver Metal: Chainmail
Gold Metal: Tin Bitz
Leather: Scorched Brown
Flesh: Dwarf Flesh
Hair: Vomit Brown or Dheneb Stone or Calthan Brown
Banner Field: Necron Abyss

I'll keep you updated with those, as and when they progress. And I really need to stop promising things, last week I promised I'd tell you all about this...



Well I've run out of time (it is 43 minutes past midnight, at the time of writing)! Sorry, I'd say I'll try next week but I'm not promising.

Oh and before I go do you think I really stopped at one Shakeaway? Oh no Sunday the day after the wedding I was on a train to London armed with my blue and yellow carton.



It was the same guy serving on Sunday, and it was 11am in the morning (I think he thought I was mad). But what was in the Shakeaway I hear you cry? Well those of you with a ridiculously good memory may remember that in a past blog back on Monday 29th November 2010 I said:

"I wonder what would happen if Shakeaway did a Lindor flavoured milkshake, mmmmmm, really probably best not think about such things in public – might get arrested again." (Check Page 6 if you don't believe me)

In reference to these chocolates:



Well Shakeaway have only bloody well gone and done it!! Shakeaway I love you!!! Can I marry you? You'd be better than a real person!

And on that uncharacteristically upbeat note I sign off!

[Meals]

Is this all some sort of elaborate Lonelygirl15-esque internet advertising ploy? Are you just secretly pretending to be a wargamer to sell us milkshakes?

Man, I haven't had a decent shake since I arrived in this country and I have to sit here reading this, when there aren't any in London  ... ITS NOT FAIR, DAMMIT!!!

[cunningmatt]

Is this all some sort of elaborate Lonelygirl15-esque internet advertising ploy? Are you just secretly pretending to be a wargamer to sell us milkshakes?

It would explain my poor performance at Warhammer wouldn't it. No I'm not "Lonelygirl15" just lonely, but I have milkshakes as friends!

Man, I haven't had a decent shake since I arrived in this country and I have to sit here reading this, when there aren't any in London  ... ITS NOT FAIR, DAMMIT!!!

There's one in Croydon and one in Kingston - it would definitely be worth the trip, hell it would be worth the trip to Manchester!

[maelzch]

Nothing's worth a trip to manchester!