Tale of OG Gamers - High Elves

[maelzch]

i'm guessing they'll be tastefully rendered by the resident artist

[cunningmatt]

tastefully

I'm sorry I am unfamiliar with this word.

[cunningmatt]

Saturday 12th March - WEEK 10

It's about as welcome as the unveiling of Blue's Eurovision entry for the United Kingdom, yes it's another week of rambling in The Tale of OG Gamers – High Elves. Apologies for the delay in this week's post – I blame alcohol.

I hope you enjoyed your pancakes on Tuesday, did you forget it was Pancake Day? I had loads of them dripping in ice cream and Nutella, and then I felt quite, quite sick. Anyhow Pancake Day was upon us, which means Lent must also be upon us too. Have you given anything up? I thought about giving up the usual things: cigarettes – don't smoke, alcohol – don't drink that much (no seriously I don't, despite the free White Wine I had at a work do on Wednesday night – that was a mistake), chocolate – no people would die, masturbation – I'd explode. So instead I thought of something better, I'm going to give up going off topic on this blog, yep that's right no more rambling, everything from this moment on will be Warhammer/hobby related, until Easter, and that's a promise.

So, what to discuss... errrr... errrrmmmm... can't mention annoying people... errr... oh yes painting. The Phoenix Guard are on the cusp of being complete. Barring my application to MI5 coming through, I should get them finished by next week. Here's where they are now:

Stage 2 – Phoenix Guard













Base: *NO CHANGE*
Leather Pouches and Sword Sheaths: Washed Badab Black
Outside of Cloak and Sleeves: Layered 1:2 Astronomacian Grey: Skull White
Inside of Cloak: Layered Golden Yellow
Silver Metal: Washed Badab Black
Gold Metal: Shining Gold
Flesh: Layered Elf Flesh
Armour Trim: Layered Ice Blue
Weapons Haft: Layered Graveyard Earth
Flame Trim on Cloaks and Flames on Banner: Very fine layering Bad Moon Yellow, then Sunburst Yellow, then Golden Yellow.
Night Sky on Banner: Layered Necron Abyss
Phoenix on Banner: 1:1 Astronomacian Grey: Skull White
Coals on Banner: Scorched Brown
Drum Skin: Kommando Khaki

And look at me go, Stage 3 is done too:

Stage 3 – Phoenix Guard
















Base: *NO CHANGE*
Leather Pouches and Sword Sheaths: Highlighted Bestial Brown
Outside of Cloak and Sleeves: Layered watered down Skull White
Inside of Cloak: Layered Sunburst Yellow
Silver Metal: Highlighted Mithril Silver
Gold Metal: Washed Gryphonne Sepia
Flesh: Washed watered down Ogryn Flesh
Armour Trim: Highlighted 1:1 Ice Blue: Skull White
Weapons Haft: Layered watered down Bleacehed Bone
Flame Trim on Cloaks and Flames on Banner: Very fine layering Fiery Orange then Blazing Orange.
Night Sky on Banner: Layered Regal Blue
Phoenix on Banner: Layered 2:1 Skull White: Astronomacian Grey
Coals on Banner: Chaos Black
Drum Skin: Highlighted Bleached Bone

See not bad, if it wasn't 12 days into March. Whoops!

Black Isle – Turn 4

Time to head over to the Black Isle and see what's happening there with Great Bray Shaman Cameron and Beastlord Clegg. With Cameron's battle being declared a draw it was just up to Beastlord Clegg to defend the Beastmen Capital from those evil Wood Elves. Fearing the ranged assault I was likely to suffer from the massed ranks of Glade Guard I deployed all my units within the buildings and behind the walls of my Capital, however it soon became clear my battle plan had more holes in it than Ashley Cole's work experience as I wasn't really sure what to do next. I'll leave it to Beastlord Clegg to tell you the rest of the story...

Beastlord Clegg, stood with the Student Bashers (Gors) cowering behind the walls of Eastminster the ramshackle Beastmen capital. The Wood Elves approached and they were nearly as annoying as the Students, they may not have had fire extinguishers but those bows and arrows looked like they could do some impressive damage. Wardancers, Waywatchers, Treekin and Dryads advanced up the right flank, but fortunately Clegg had, had the foresight to send the Immigration Limiters (Gors) into ambush, they would surely arrive behind the Wood Elf lines and engage their Waywatchers who were steadily firing on the Beastmen lines – fortunately the buildings of Eastminister sheltered them from the worst of the damage. Sadly the Ambushers lost the scent of the Wood Elves and arrived right next to Clegg – "the fools" he thought, however they charged into the Waywatchers threatening the Ungor Raiders in Eastminster tower. But the Waywatchers fled allowing the Gors to charge into the Dryads. Meanwhile Bray Shaman Cable attempted to cast Mantle of Ghorok on himself for no real reason other than he had power dice left, and promptly miscast wounding himself and killing 3 Bestigor. "Old fool" thought Clegg, it was like the incident with the Air Elemental tribe of BSkyB all over again. The Dryads started butchering the Gors but with Clegg's presence the unit held. Meanwhile the Wardancers charged the flanks of the Gors, but Clegg and his own personal Gor unit charged the Wardancers in return. Whilst the Immigration Limiters (original Gors) were wiped out so only the Musician and Standard Bearer were left. However Clegg butchered the Wardancers wiping them out as they fled and winning the overall combat so the Imigration Limiters held. In shock news, the Ungor Raiders actually shot dead two Waywatchers causing them to flee. The Minotaurs and the Bestigor taking causalities under the volleys of Wood Elf fire made a run for the nearest set of buildings to join Clegg. Cable tried to cast Mantle of Ghorok again, this time casting it, but rolling a 6 for his Strength boost thus suffering a wound and dieing – stupid spell! Shockingly the Gor Musician and Standard locked in combat managed to get frenzied from Primal Fury beating the remaining nine Dryads in combat. The Bestigor then charged in demolishing the remaining Dryads – Timber!! Clegg could sense it was close, and decided the best way was to protect the heavily damaged remaining units (a unit of one Gor, three Ungor Raiders and one Minotaur on one wound had to be saved to prevent conceding any more points). Clegg ordered said units to hide behind the hills however massed shooting from the Wood Elves and the sneaky moving Wardancers had returned allowed each target to be decimated. Victor to the scrawny Elf-kind. "Pah" thought Clegg.

God dam it, it was so close I lost by 104 victory points, 4 less and I would have claimed a draw, if any of those beleaguered units had survived (or Cable hadn't blown his head off, again) it would have been a draw. And if any two of Cable the Gors or Minotaurs had survived it could have been a win. A fun game, even though I had no tactics – I kind of froze in the face of all those bows, and played for a draw which I've never done before and is bit naughty – I flogged myself on returning home I reassure you. The end result is that Cable now hates Wood Elves after rolling on the injury table and I scored 40 gold.

After much ummminnng and ahhhhing I decided I probably should build a tower, it doesn't feel very Beasty though – Beastmen burn, pillage and defecate everywhere but that don't build towers. And looking at my theme Cameron and Clegg aren't the tower builders, perhaps I could spend some gold to close down a library or something? In the end I did build my first tower – horray. And then I read this...

With a potential 2 players on 3 towers in that turn we could have a winner, so do think your challenges and events through carefully...

You mean we're supposed to be building towers? Oh... probably should have built one sooner then. Oops!

Warhammer Armies: Orcs & Goblins – 8th Edition



This week I managed to pick up the brand new Warhammer Armies: Orcs & Goblins from Ol, thanks Ol. And I've been stroking the embossed new hardback cover – come on don't lie you've given it a little stroke yourself haven't you? You know you have! Fine don't admit it, you're only lying to yourselves. Anyway after reading it cover to cover I wonder if you noticed the things, I noticed? Probably not, you were too busy working out the killer uber super duper army to make – either to field it yourself or to bitch about other people fielding it weren't you? Yes you were. I know!

Anyway, here's some things I noticed:

There seems to be a similarity between Orcs & Goblins and education under The National Curriculum...

Page 16: "For their own part Orcs & Goblins don't care about history... ...Greenskins like hearing about bloodshed and great victories, although they need lots of gory details to hold their limited attention span"

Sound familiar? That's why children know more about the Power Rangers than Henry VIII. Additionally I noticed similarities between the way history was taught to me and Orcs & Goblins:

Page 16: "A Shaman can rouse some interest with inspired bits of pantomime brawling, but more powerful Shamans go a step further, working themselves into a trance while describing battles of long ago."

Still disturbed by my history teacher even to this day.

Though there are other extra curricular events in Orc & Goblin society, P.E. being reasonably well catered for...

Page 16: "...or watching a Giant play a match of Dwarf Skittles."

Are Dwarf Skittles like Fun-Size Mars Bars really disappointing portions of confectionary? You know the type that require you to eat about 50 packets in order to be sated and thus defeat the object of smaller portions. I wonder.

You have to feel sorry for Ronnie Corbett under Orc & Goblin law...

Page 17: "The torment of the Halflings... ...proved very popular. Camps held Halfling-eating contests, barrel battles – consisting of a Snotling versus Halfling fighting it out in an empty crate – and other barbaric cruelties."

A comedy legend surely doesn't deserve treatment like that.

Have you ever eaten at the Pizza Hut All-You-Can-Eat Buffet...

Page 21: "With his stomach visibly churning and expanding from the continually growing Troll flesh in his belly, Grom rolled about in agony for days, much to the delight of his fellow contestants. Somehow, heroically, after weeks of chronic indigestion and near fatal flatulence, equilibrium was reached..."

I knew I shouldn't have had that last 14 pieces of Garlic Bread.

Still things could also be worse...

Page 26: "When the Black Orc Warboss and his legions at last marched out, the Skaven of Hell Pit were down to their last line of defenders, many of which were already standing in puddles of their own musk of fear."

That's happened to all of us, hasn't it? Though in pathetically less scary circumstances. I've stood in a puddle of my own musk of fear simply walking through Croydon, or after having been ill and had a bout of flatulence on a day out in London. The main fear being that my friends, who were with me, would be able to smell "the musk of my own fear". But that's maybe because I have unsympathetic friends, I tend to keep the kind of company that would make Prince Andrew question whether he should defriend them on Facebook.

Somethings need further pondering...

Page 35: "Inarguably Shamans are a bit mad, being prone to trances and sudden spasms of fitful dancing. This embarrassing behaviour can cause scenes around the camp that are awkward at best."

Such as, who inspired who out of Orc Shamans and Charlie Sheen? I smell Tiger Blood in the air.

I think the Chaos Dwarfs need to fire their publicist. I mean 15 years ago, they had an army and models and now they have no models and aren't even given credit for what used to be fact. On Page 10 it says "The origins of the Black Orcs are shrouded in mystery", only on Page 39 does I say "Some maintain that the Chaos Dwarfs... ...magically bred the more disciplined Black Orcs.". It used to be unequivocal that the Chaos Dwarfs created the Black Orcs and now we've all forgotten, come on Chaos Dwarfs be proud of your own achievements. Maybe they should hire Max Clifford, I mean representing a maniacal race hell bent on creating intolerable evils from their smoking lava pits is virtually a step up from representing Kerry Katona. Perhaps that's what Chaos Dwarfs need, an appearance on Dancing on Ice. I mean an Earthshaker Cannon fired at Jason Gardenier is sure to boost ratings.

Hasn't the recession hit Orcs & Goblin's hard? Only 8 magic items to choose from. Still I suppose it reduces the number of horrendous combinations that you can make and "ruin" the game with. Though I'm sure people will still moan – most probably me.

On Page 14 I think a secret has been given away to an up and coming monster in a future Warhammer Army:



Surely "beastss" refers to some kind of serpentine creature, it's a clue isn't it? It's pronounced beastss because of it's snake like qualities and it's hissing tongue perhaps with the head of Janet Street-Porter and the body of Michael Winner that's going to be devastating the Warhammer world with it's deadly tooth attacks and reassurances to "Calm Down, it's only a Strength 9 attack" the whole world would shudder. Ol – can I preorder five plastic sets of whatever this turns out to be? Cheers.

And finally it's good to see that the world of reality TV hasn't missed the Orc & Goblin community:



As we can see Da Great Idol now as it own studio marked on the map, as TV's best Orc & Goblin Geordie Duo Gork & Mork search for the best singing Snotling in all of The Badlands, and you decide with a phone vote. Judges include Neil Wolf, Simonster Cowell, Peter Watertroll and Nicki Campblackorc. And if you're wondering how long I can keep going with this string of dodgy reality TV/Orc puns, then I'm still milking it. As Simonster Cowell as his own breakaway show X Fanatic presented by DermOrc Leary, with judges Louis Waaagh, Cheryl Cave Squig and Danni Migigantic Spider.

I am sorry I can only apologise for those terrible puns. Sorry. I know it's not enough.

And after having a good look through the Orc & Goblin book I've decided upon my Top 5 favourite units. Clearly this is not based on Tactics, this is me after all, but based on models and background that I like. And probably the things I'm most likely to get if I get tempted by the new Orcs & Goblins.

5: Doom Diver

What could be better then strapping yourself with wings and firing yourself at the enemy, we laugh, but it's much like that those mad people who make cardboard planes and fire themselves off piers – invariably sponsored by Red Bull. And when I was a kid, Doom Divers were very cheap too as the only had a Goblin and tiny catapult they worked out about £2.99 each bargain. Though arguably the new bigger models is more impressive.

4: Black Orcs

Never a big fan 4th/5th edition but the new(er) plastic models and their armour really inspired me, plus a good opportunity for an Orc collector to use a new shade of green surely can't be missed.

3: River Trolls

I love vomiting on people and River Trolls give me the option to do this in a slightly less messy and socially unacceptable fashion. Plus nice models, and painting scheme (though the 4th edition ones were cool models too) means I am very tempted to get myself a box or six.

2: Savage Orcs

It's not just the new models, though they are amazing, but there's something great about the background to these. Combined with their striking blue warpaint, mad shamans and new ability to kebab the enemy – what more could you want?

1: Forest Goblin Spider Riders

Everyone loves an underdog, and you've got to love the Forest Goblins. From vast infantry units of them that you used to be able to field, they vanished altogether. And then returned. And yes they do have a new super Anorak Spider but that would be too easy to choose. There's nothing like the classics climbing over buildings and poisoning people – much like my life at the age of 15.

Though I am slightly disturbed that my top two choices are both "naked" Orcs & Goblins – not sure what that say about me.

A close 6th would have been Azhag the Slaughterer simply for the amazing model, though I know mine would fall to bits should I try to assemble/get one.

Would love to know your top 5 Orc & Goblin Choices from the new book (or just old times), whatever criteria you like – tactics, models, background or even most fun to torment the cat with (not that you should torment cats). Please let me know!

That's pretty much it for this week, other than to say there's still time to enter last week's "Where's the Paintbrush Cap?" competition, remember which square do you think the paintbrush cap has been "removed" from? There's a Shakeaway Voucher up for grabs.



The competition closes at midday on Wednesday 16th March.

Terms & Conditions: The person who gets the exact grid square will win the Shakeaway voucher, if no one gets the exact square the organiser reserves the right to go and have a Shakeaway himself. If the painting cap lies in two or more squares, the square in which the majority of the cap lies in will be the winning square. The voucher will be delivered in person to the winner at an OG Games event, if unable to collect the voucher will be posted out provided the organiser can be arsed. Competition closes on the 42nd of February entrants submitting entries after this date are liable to have their homes firebombed. Please note your milkshake is at risk if you do not keep up repayments and the calorific value of your chosen beverage may go up as well as down. In the event of two or more people guessing the correct square they will be forced to fight it out in a pit of mud to determine the winner.

And don't make it complicated by choosing one of the squares that's already been picked F3, D3, A5 and B5 have already gone.

And if you think this is the worst competition currently running online, I draw you to the attention of the BT website where you can help plan Jane's wedding (from the long running adverts starring Chris Marshall) and win the chance to attend the wedding. Seriously who's life is so empty that they end up entering this?



And NO I didn't make this up, it is real!!!

Anyhow I'm off to my friend's birthday. He's moaning about turning old now he's 23. 23!! Bloody idiot, I've decided the only sensible option is to rub his face up and down a pebble-dashed wall to teach him a lesson. Until next week keep those entries and Top 5 Orc & Goblins coming in.

[Meals]

Saturday 12th March - WEEK 10
Seriously who's life is so empty that they end up entering this?

Yours! Do I win a prize?     Also, I thought there were gonna be Page 3 girls, dammit!!

Anyway, I'm off to get trashed in Prague. Have a good night!

[cunningmatt]

Yours!

Seems a tad harsh, as a result no Page 3 girls for you!

[maelzch]

Matt, I think we should count february as being 59 days for the tale (although I think I'll still struggle)

Also, liking the dawi zharr mentions, I've not yet had a chance to read through t fluff in the new book.

I'd best not mention ages after that rant!

[cunningmatt]

Matt, I think we should count february as being 59 days for the tale (although I think I'll still struggle)

I reckon I can finish February and March by the end of March, despite the 42 day February! So I think I should be ok. Touch wood.

Also, liking the dawi zharr mentions, I've not yet had a chance to read through t fluff in the new book.

Funny I haven't had a chance to read the rules yet, but I think that says a lot about my playing style!

I'd best not mention ages after that rant!

Best not!

Also, I thought there were gonna be Page 3 girls, dammit!!

Perhaps I should do next week's post as a full newspaper - though I think it might be break my Lent promise of staying on topic!

[Veldemere]

I am delighted to hear that you think you didn't go off topic at all this week, I was a little worried it was just going to be about your painting (slightly OT but those Phoenix guard look great, really food work on the flames on the cloaks), I am glad Cheryl Cave Squig still made her appearance.

I will have to think about the O&G, I for one don't think you need to cheapen your plog with page 3 girls, I say this partly because I fear what you will come up with!!!

[cunningmatt]

I was a little worried it was just going to be about your painting (slightly OT but those Phoenix guard look great, really food work on the flames on the cloaks).

You surely know me better than that! The flames are really fiddly but worth doing. The only way to get them to look good is loads of thin layers of yellow and orange - bored of that now!! Thank god I wasn't doing a unit of 50, or something more dispicable.

I for one don't think you need to cheapen your plog with page 3 girls, I say this partly because I fear what you will come up with!!!

What on Earth do you mean? 

[Angelus Mortifer]

Nice work on the flames - often difficult to do well, and particularly on the banner. Awesome models that you're doing a great job on. Looking forward to seeing more.